Your Feelings Are Here For A Reason

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

There are multiple theories about what emotions are, and why we have them. Whether or not we have full certainty regarding the nature and purpose of human emotion, they without a doubt continuously color our daily lives, creating a rich tapestry of felt experience. Sometimes dully present in the background, and at other times potently grabbing our attention, without them, there is no doubt that the human experience would be dramatically different. Without them, human beings may not exist.

The Purpose of Emotions: An Evolutionary Perspective

It can be helpful to think of emotions as signals that alert us (and others) to what we might need in that moment. Emotions are much more complex than just that, of course (for example, psychologists commonly understand emotions as cognitive, affective, and physiological changes, as well as behavioral urges). However, it is thought by evolutionary psychologists that emotions serve an important function or purpose that has helped keep human beings alive: they help organize and motivate behavior based on the demands of the environment or situation. Emotions act as signals because they direct our attention to important information about the state of our inner and outer environment, and automatically create an impulse to respond in a way that is intended to ensure our basic survival needs are met.

The Purpose of Pleasure & Pain

How exactly do emotions guide us? To better understand this, it helps to think about how both pleasure and pain influence us. Pleasure and pain are fundamental and essential aspects of being alive. Generally speaking, pleasure and pain can be both physical and emotional. Physical and emotional pain actually overlap quite a bit because of the way the brain works. 

Usually, pleasure and pain urge us to respond in particular ways when we feel them. Let’s say you touch a hot stove, and feel the searing pain of the hot stove on your fingertip. The physical pain will almost certainly prompt you to immediately remove your finger from the stovetop as quickly as possible to stop or reduce the pain. Generally, when something is painful, we are powerfully driven to stop or get rid of the pain by escaping whatever might be causing it. Usually physical pain is caused by physical damage or danger to the integrity of the organism. As you and I well know, physical pain is a powerful motivator for immediately avoiding or escaping danger. Without physical pain, we may continue to expose ourselves to harmful or life-threatening situations.

Conversely, physical pleasure guides us to pursue more of whatever is the source of our pleasure. We are naturally reinforced for engaging in certain behaviors that feel physically pleasurable, and that often meet important base-level survival needs. For example, we are drawn to foods that are filled with energy-dense sugars and fats, sex that leads to procreation, and temperate and comfortable environments that are gentle on our bodies and abundant in necessary resources.

Avoidance and Approach Behaviors

In many ways, emotional pleasure and pain can be thought of as serving a similar evolutionary function to physical pleasure and pain. Similar to physical pain or pleasure, pleasant and unpleasant emotions often urge us to engage in variations of “avoidance” or “approach” behaviors that guide us towards safety and away from possible harm.

In other words, “negative” or unpleasant emotions tend to naturally urge us to avoid or escape whatever might be causing them; if we feel emotionally uncomfortable, we want to get rid of that discomfort or avoid experiencing it again in the future, and we take actions to do so. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense, because if “bad” feelings come up in us when something potentially dangerous or harmful happens, we will naturally be motivated to get away from that harmful stimulus.

For our primal ancestors, events that caused them to feel emotionally “bad” or distressed typically could or would quite literally hurt or kill them if not avoided or escaped. Imagine how it would feel to have to contend with lions, tigers, snakes, bears, wolves, or other frightening predators. Likely, you would feel a mixture of very unpleasant and intense emotions, such as panic or fear, or maybe even anger, that would pretty immediately urge you to run away and escape, or to aggressively fight back. You likely would not have to think twice about it – you would automatically and immediately engage in these avoid and escape survival behaviors. And thank goodness for emotional and behavioral responses such as these.

On the flip side, “positive” or pleasant emotions tend to naturally urge us to approach, or move towards, the situations that we experience pleasurable feelings from. Human beings are often very strongly motivated to feel “good” or “happy.” Positive emotions powerfully urge us to engage in certain behaviors, and they also reinforce whatever actions we engage in that lead us to feel emotional pleasure. Typically, positive emotions tend to lead us to engage in “approach” type behaviors, which means that we approach, or seek more of, the stimulus or situation that caused us to feel positively. If something makes us feel good (or great!) we tend to try to do things that will increase the amount of pleasure or good feelings we are having in that moment, or that will recreate the experience again in the future. This also makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, as things that give us pleasure or feel good often may signal to us that our basic needs may be met. For example, the experience of falling in love is usually an intense emotion that feels incredible and ecstatic, and leads us trying to secure the time and attention of the person who is the focus of our affection. We are social animals, and positive emotions that come from relationship help motivate us to stay connected. This has a survival advantage, because when we are on our own (especially thousands of years ago), human beings don’t stand as good of a chance of surviving potential threats.

Emotions in today’s world

It’s quite clear that the world that we live in today is radically different from that of our primal ancestors’. Our modern-day dangers, like the loss of a job or home, being bullied, excessive demands from school or work, car accidents, arguments with friends, or family discord, require us to respond differently than we would to a predator. However, when we encounter these modern-day stressors, our automatic physiological and emotional responses often occur in a similar fashion to how they would if we encountered primal threats to our survival - as if our lives are in danger. The “fight, flight, or freeze” response, which was is an emotionally-driven response intended to protect us from death, can be activated even when we have a disagreement with a friend. Thus, in today’s world, it is quite often the case that our instinctual emotional responses do not fully align with the more actual needs of the modern-day situations we encounter, which are typically much more nuanced (and less likely to be characterized by true danger of death). Every human being has experienced emotions that do not match the needs of the situation. There is nothing wrong with you (or me) when this occurs - looking at it through an evolutionary lens, it is actually quite natural.

However, despite the natural tendency to experience emotions that may be arise in us more intensely than would necessarily be helpful, it is still our responsibility to learn how to respond to situations (and our emotions) in ways that are healthy and effective - so that we can truly understand and take care of our needs, and build a life that feels satisfying and meaningful. This is no easy task. When emotions burn intensely, and we don’t understand why they are here or what to do with them (or we over-identify with and “become” them), we often engage in reactive, avoidant, or self-destructive behaviors. It makes sense to act on emotionally-driven avoidance urges when they are signaling true danger of death or harm (for example, the panic or fear that causes strong urges to escape, and helps us to immediately jump out of the way of an oncoming car!), but to automatically react to or avoid all painful or uncomfortable emotions will spell trouble. Numbing ourselves with TV, alcohol, food, or dissociation often lead to short-term relief, but more pain and suffering in the long-term. Withdrawing from or escaping the world or those in our lives leads to short-term relief, but more pain and suffering in the long-term. Lashing out or reacting impulsively in response to anger or fear leads to short-term relief, but more pain and suffering in the long-term. You get the point. These automatic, avoidant ways of responding to emotions are be hard to free ourselves from, given our instinctual drive to avoid pain and feel “better” (or at least, not so “bad). But when we take pause, and if we are honest with ourselves, we know our needs are not truly met when we act in these ways - in fact, we often have unintentionally acted in ways that prevent our needs from being met, and further entrench us in our suffering.

What is Needed

We have to learn how to turn towards, understand, tolerate, and eventually accept emotional discomfort in order to intentionally and effectively respond to our needs. Even if our emotions do not seem to fully match the requirements of the situation, I believe that there is almost always something of value that they are pointing our attention towards. We yearn to feel safe, secure, cared for and loved. We yearn to feel valued and worthy. We yearn to know that we belong, and an integral part of something bigger than ourselves. These are often the needs that our emotions are pointing us towards. When these needs are not truly being met (whether that be due to an internal or external cause, or both), we will feel emotional discomfort. And thank goodness for that. Because it is signaling our attention to what matters most to us. When we can learn how to truly attend to our needs, and understand how to work with the signals that come from within, we are in a position of empowerment. We can consciously respond to our lives. This is the practice of a lifetime.

How can we do this? How can we begin to emotions in a more self-supportive way? The first step is to understand that our emotions are here for a reason. They are not our enemies. They serve an important purpose, but understanding how to sit with, and listen to them, is key. If we are fearful of our emotions, or do everything we can to remove or distance ourselves from our uncomfortable emotions, it is incredibly difficult to learn from our life experiences, or to deepen our understanding of what is truly needed in our most vulnerable, painful moments. We miss an opportunity to learn about ourselves. But when we are no longer afraid of what comes from within - when we can begin to better understand and make peace with our emotional “signals” - we can learn how to attend to the needs that our emotions are truly a reflection of. It is our responsibility to ourselves, and to others, to learn how to soothe and care for ourselves in the ways that matter most. Remember, we all want to feel safe, loved, and at peace. Ask yourself, what will truly bring more of what you deeply need into your life? How can you offer yourself a safe, loving presence, while you feel scared, hurt, sad, alone, or angry? What will care for the needs of your body, mind, and heart, in ways that are tender and self-loving? In ways that do not cause you additional harm, or cause you to feel “stuck” in suffering? It is okay if the answers to these questions do not come easily to you. You are not alone in that. These are skills that we need to learn - and that many of us were never taught - these are the emotion regulation and inner-parenting skills that require guidance, repetition and tremendous patience, as there will be many missteps and falling back into old, pain-avoidant or reactive ways. But the path of making peace with our emotions, better navigating our inner world, and ultimately making peace with ourselves, is so very, very worthwhile. When we have learned how to truly care for ourselves, others, and our planet, perhaps then, we have entered into the next stage of evolution in our experience of human emotion.

Quick Reference Guide for Dealing with Fear, Anxiety, & Uncertainty

Written & Created by Lauren Helm, PhD

Wondering how to best respond to difficult emotions like fear, anxiety, and uncertainty? This guide summarizes a cognitive-behavioral approach to identifying and responding to challenging emotions. To engage in healthy emotion regulation, it helps to identify, label, and rate your emotions, check the accuracy of emotion-driven thoughts, avoid problematic emotion-driven behaviors, and engage in effective, values-driven action. Work with a qualified therapist who can help you implement these strategies and build a life that matters to you. If you'd like, feel free to save this guide for future reference, or share with your friends or loved ones.

The Most Important & Difficult Thing To Do: Learning to Love & Accept Yourself

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

Take a moment to pause and reflect on the relationship that you have with yourself. What is it like? My relationship with myself is.....

So many of us have difficulty answering this question because we are not even sure what it means. It may be the first the time that we’ve even recognized that we do, indeed, have a relationship with ourselves, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. We have had this relationship with ourselves since we were young children, and it has continued to evolve throughout our lives. However, as opposed to many other relationships that come and go, this relationship is here to stay whether we like it or not, and has the power to influence our lives like no other relationship may.

We are often powerfully affected when others respond to us with kindness, love, or acceptance, which can foster a fundamental sense of trust and safety in being who we are. We can be just as powerfully affected when others who play significant roles in our lives respond to us with harshness, criticism, judgment or condemnation, making relationships feel unsafe - the source of emotional pain. The ways that others respond to us (and we to them) have great power in affecting how we experience relationships in general. Consider, now, how you typically respond to yourself? In times of happiness or sadness, how do you relate to yourself and your experiences (your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviors)? Is it a supportive stance characterized by gentleness, soothing, understanding, and deep trust?

So often we automatically and in subtle (or not so subtle ways) respond to ourselves in times of pain in a cold, rejecting manner. We can even punish ourselves for feeling pain, for “being weak.” In times of success, accomplishment, or celebration, we might even block ourselves from fully opening to natural happiness or joy, perhaps because in the back of our minds lurks an insidious doubt or lack of trust in our deserving of success, or our ability to tolerate the possible loss of the happiness that we have worked so hard to “earn.”

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it so common to become our own biggest critic, so often undermining ourselves in the name of self-betterment? It is startling to come to a full realization of just how “normal” it is to engage in self-deprecation or of pointing out the validity of our flaws…whereas, if we were to do this in a relationship with another, we would (rightly so) consider this to be emotional abuse.

The relationship with self has been the subject of growing interest. Psychologists have begun to explore why it is so common to treat ourselves so harshly, and what we can do to shift into a more authentic, resilient, strong, and nourishing stance towards ourselves. Fortunately, psychological research is demonstrating that not only does our relationship with ourselves affect our well-being, it can also be healed and strengthened. You can learn to become your own greatest resource, cultivating a radically different relationship with the very valuable, authentic YOU.

Shame & Self-Criticism

Usually, the quality of our relationship with ourselves is undermined by shame and self-criticism, which go hand-in-hand and play an insidious role in our lives. Shame results from a global negative evaluation of one's self-worth, resulting in a cascade of associated cognitive, emotional, and behavioral experiences characterized by painful self-hatred or self-loathing. Shame is typically born from the belief that "I am bad" (or worthless, defective, unloveable, etc.), a conclusion that we often arrive at, in some form or another, during early childhood, when believe that we are quite literally the center of the universe, and that "good" or "bad" things happen in our lives because of US (e.g. "A bad thing happened, it must have happened because of me...therefore I must be bad."). It is also not uncommon to have also been literally told that we were "bad" in some way or another (e.g. "you are being so bad today, stop that!") by important figures in our lives, and (unintentionally or not) sent the message that we will only be loved and accepted for being "good." When these messages are repeatedly received, they are internalized, and set the stage for learning that love and acceptance are conditional based on who we are, and easily lost if we are not who others want us to be. In reality, we all make mistakes, and mess up, and this in no way means that we are fundamentally flawed, defective, or that we are unloveable. However, when we feel shame, however, it truly feels like we messed up because there is something deeply wrong with who we are. Self-criticism (or the "inner critic") then becomes the brain's attempt at trying to "fix" what is "wrong" with us, in order to avoid being fundamentally rejected or disowned by others, but ultimately leaves us feeling beaten down, and more miserable and isolated, because we are essentially rejecting ourselves. Depending upon our later relational experiences, the modeling of others, and society's unrealistic messages about who we should be, shame and self-criticism may continue to be reinforced, become more embedded, and more fully invade our sense of self. The hurt and shamed inner-child within us is typically carried forward into our adult lives, perhaps hidden underground beneath our conscious awareness, but still powerfully affecting how we lead our lives and whether we feel safe enough to show up (or not) fully as ourselves.

Self-Validation 

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” – Brene Brown 

How do we begin reversing the damage that entrenched shame and self-criticism can cause? We can start by practicing self-validation. Self-validation is all about acknowledging and making sense of your experience. To state that something is “valid” does not mean that it is “right” or “justified.” Validation is not about judging or evaluating ourselves or our experiences. Validation is simply about recognizing that our experiences, on some level, make sense. There is a logical reason that things have come to be the way that they have if we consider the larger picture. Even more intense emotions that others may deem “excessive” or “inappropriate” are valid; it makes sense that you are feeling the way that you are because of many intertwining factors that have caused things to be the way that they are (your history and past experiences, the current conditions, current coping skills, beliefs, etc all lead to the events that occur). 

This does not mean that we should or shouldn’t change our experience (“should’s” and “oughts” are judgments that imply the superiority or inferiority of whatever is judged). Dr. Linehan asserts that all emotions are valid (not necessarily justified or condoned), but that this has nothing to do with whether or not acting on the emotion is effective, or whether the intensity of the emotion matches the facts of the situation. Acknowledging our emotions (even those we believe are “overreactions”) is a vastly important prerequisite for change. When we make sense of our emotions (as opposed to denying, resisting, or struggling with them), and acknowledge how it is that they have come to be, we also can validate that WE make sense. 

Why is this important? So many of us grow up or live in invalidating environments – environments that send us the message that what we naturally feel and who we are doesn’t make sense in some way. This is invalidation – being told that your authentic way of being and experiencing the world is wrong in some way. 

When we receive the message that there is something “wrong” with who we naturally are, it can be extremely painful and confusing, leading to a growing distrust of our own experiences and ourselves. We often (consciously or unconsciously) come to the conclusion that there is something fundamentally wrong with us, and thus, we need to change who we are. 

It typically feels awful to believe that you don’t make sense, that you are “crazy” for feeling a certain way, or can’t trust your own experiences. Sometimes we run away from believing that there is something “wrong” with us by chasing an idea of perfection, in the hopes that one day we will be wholly acceptable, loved, and “make sense.” As many know, trying to run away from who we truly are is a never-ending battle that often creates significant pain and suffering.

Because so many of us learn that who we are does not “make sense” or is in some way “wrong,” we begin to develop a self-invalidating relationship with ourselves. It is not too surprising, then, that an “inner critic” appears to grow within and take on a life of its own.

Self-Compassion

The “inner critic” and its counterpart, self-compassion, have been extensively researched by Dr. Kristin Neff, a research psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Neff has done a great deal of work to bring the concept of self-compassion to the Western psychological field. A rapidly growing body of research is discovering just how key self-compassion is to our well-being, and may be the antidote to the musings of the inner self-critic. Dr. Neff breaks down self-compassion into three core components: 

• Self-Kindness: Self-kindness refers to the ability to be gentle or kind with oneself during suffering, as opposed to Self-Judgment, which is the tendency to be harsh or critical towards oneself.
• Common Humanity: Common humanity refers to the recognition that we are united in our suffering – all human beings experience pain, and this is actually something that connects us. This is the opposite of what she terms Isolation, which is when we feel very isolated or alone in our pain, perhaps believing that we are the only one to be going through this painful experience while most others are happy.
• Mindfulness: Mindfulness refers to the ability to be aware of and allowing of emotions, as opposed to Over-Identification, which is when we fixate on, overly-identify with, or “grab onto” negative emotional states. 

The seeds of self-compassion can be planted and cultivated in our lives, “combating” the harsh or invalidating fashion that may currently characterize the way we currently relate towards ourselves (often based on past conditioning as mentioned above). Dr. Neff provides free meditations and self-compassion exercises for just that purpose. Learning how to effectively self-soothe and fully embrace yourself through the up’s and down’s of life is an invaluable skill. It can be likened to building a steady foundation upon which you can rest when things get rough, and a launching pad from which to leap when you are ready to soar.

Researchers are currently investigating the specific ways that self-compassion interventions affect us. Though more research is needed, what is being discovered is that when we adopt a more accepting, compassionate response towards ourselves (as opposed to a harsh, unrelenting stance), we are able to perform better (yes, we actually achieve more when we are kind to ourselves versus harsh towards ourselves!) and are more psychologically resilient in many regards. Building the ability to generate and direct a compassionate, warm, soothing stance towards ourselves may also help to regulate our threat-detection system. Paul Gilbert proposes that a compassionate, soothing, and affiliative stance towards oneself improves an individual’s ability to regulate difficult or threat-based emotions. Self-directed compassion is thought to reduce sensitivity to threat and also improve the individual’s ability to access, tolerate, and effectively express emotions by creating a sense of safety, as opposed to reactively or avoidantly responding to distress (Gilbert, 2013; Gilbert & Procter, 2006). We can learn how to be a resource for ourselves, better able to soothe and regulate painful emotions, and thus be able to more effectively manage the tasks of living. 

Ultimately, when the “inner critic” takes a backseat, and we listen instead to the inner “compassionate friend,” we free ourselves up from the draining, undermining nature of self-criticism. We also can begin to learn to trust ourselves again – learning, on a deep, experiential level that we CAN make it through life’s challenges. We can be our own greatest resource by learning to provide ourselves with the comfort and loving acceptance that all human beings long for.

Vulnerability & Authenticity

"The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination" (Rogers, 1967, p. 187).

Establishing a deep sense of trust in yourself in no easy task, and shame creates unseen hurdles along the way. Importantly, shame is an emotion that differs from guilt. Whereas guilt is a feeling that arises from perceiving that you did something bad, shame is a feeling that YOU are fundamentally bad. All of us experience shame in various ways and to differing degrees. Shame often provokes us to hide from ourselves; to “omit” or remove aspects of ourselves that we believe are unworthy and unacceptable. This “disconnecting” from parts of ourselves can be thought of as akin to putting a blindfold on, or even more extreme, trying to cut off a major limb because we judged this limb as being undesirable or “bad.” This approach usually does not serve us very well, and just makes things more painful and challenging in the long run.

Attempting to hide from ourselves creates a major disconnect. If we are not truly in touch with the fullness of who we really are (ALL of the “good” and the “bad,” who we really are vs. who we think we “ought” to be), how can we have a solid, healthy relationship with ourselves? How can we be self-aware enough to connect with a sense of wholeness, if we are hiding from ourselves on some level? Trusting in yourself can be thought of as rooted in self-awareness (for example, fully owning what your true preferences and dislikes are, what your strengths and what areas you are still developing and growing in, what you really want for yourself versus what you believe others think you should do, etc). How can you really rely on and believe in yourself to navigate life effectively when you cannot really see who you are with clarity?

A commitment to authenticity, daring to be freely and truly YOU (all of who you are, exactly as you are, imperfections and all), can be quite a liberating experience. It can also be excruciatingly vulnerable. When we are authentic, and truly open to who we are, it can feel vulnerable and as though we are “exposed.” There is no hiding ourselves away as a form of self-protection. 

Dr. Brené Brown discusses her theory about the power of vulnerability and authenticity, along with what she calls “Wholehearted Living,” in her famous TED talk. Her research led her to discover that shame was one of the strongest barriers to vulnerability and authenticity, and short-circuited fulfilled and connected living.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Dr. Carl Rogers

Radical Acceptance

How can we successfully open to authentic, whole-hearted living? Radical acceptance of the self may be an option. In her book, Dr. Brach discusses the power of radically accepting oneself. Self-worth is no longer contingent upon the ways that we often define ourselves (such as our relationships, roles, achievements, etc.). It is a radical letting go of judgment of ourselves, and a practice of recognizing our inherent worth – just as we are in this moment. For many of us, that truly is a radical idea. 

This does not mean that we give up on growing and developing – on the contrary, this level of self-acceptance supports us in being fully who we are and want to be. It is like allowing yourself to finally take a deep breath of relief, knowing that you can release any self-protective masks or defenses that have long weighed you down – and that even without these layers of protection – on a truly fundamental level, you will be okay. In fact, you may experience being freer and more alive than ever before, connecting with what is truly vital and meaningful to you.

Righting Your Relationship with You

When we can rest in a deep knowing of our own self-worth, trustworthiness, and resilience, we are free to explore life in an entirely different way. Ultimately, trying to force yourself to be other than who you truly are, and beating yourself up when you are not who you think you “should be,” can dramatically drain and wear you down. Vitality naturally comes from connectedness. Why not make a commitment to connect with yourself in a radically different way today? It is essential to remember that this is a process, and by no means occurs overnight. Each moment is an opportunity to practice awareness and acceptance of yourself, or to judge and reject yourself. Treat yourself as you imagine your closest friend or loved one would want to be treated, and you may be amazed at the results.

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

Resources:

http://self-compassion.org

http://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/index.htm

http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org

http://brenebrown.com

http://www.tarabrach.com

References

Brach, T. (2004). Radical acceptance. Bantam.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Penguin.

Brown, B. (2013). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.

Gilbert, P., & Irons, C. (2005). Focused therapies and compassionate mind training for shame and self-attacking. Compassion: Conceptualisations, research and use in psychotherapy, 263-325.

Linehan, M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and identity, 2(2), 85-101.

Rogers, C. R., Stevens, B., Gendlin, E. T., Shlien, J. M., & Van Dusen, W. (1967). Person to person: The problem of being human: A new trend in psychology. Lafayette, CA: Real People Press.

Blog edited and reposted from original post on Center for Stress and Anxiety Management Website

Stress & Anxiety In The Tech Industry

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

"More than three-fourths who say stress interferes with their work say it carries over to their personal life..." - ADAA Workplace Stress & Anxiety Disorders Survey

Working in the tech industry can exceptionally rewarding and exciting, offering employees the opportunity to engage in challenging, creative, and meaningful projects, while also receiving great pay, benefits, and perks. The tech industry is known for valuing innovation, creative problem-solving, and the development of products that can have a huge impact on our daily living. Flexible work schedules, remote working options, and investment in employee professional development and self-care (free food and drinks, yoga, and meditation rooms!) are now the norm for many employees in the tech industry. The emphasis on taking care of employees’ needs has been a positive outcome that was driven in part to draw in talent, prevent turnover, and improve productivity. Despite the tech industry's emphasis on treating employees well, those that work in tech are not immune to other aspects of the tech world that create conditions ripe for high stress and anxiety. Although not true of every tech company, many tech industry employees face pressure to work long hours, be consistently productive, play multiple roles, and meet urgent or unpredictable deadlines. Unfortunately, anxiety and stress in tech is commonplace, but not often openly discussed. However, it is nearly impossible to ignore the impact of workplace stress because it bleeds into so many other important areas of our lives, affecting our energy, relationships, play, financial security, self-care. and sense of satisfaction or purpose in life.

Understanding Work Stress

What makes a job stressful? Generally, job stress is thought to be a result of an interaction between the employee and the working conditions. In other words, certain people will be more stressed by certain jobs. Sometimes our personality or coping style is not be a good fit for the demands of a particular type of job. Some people thrive in fast-paced settings, and others are worn down by them. When the job is not a good fit for someone, job stress is likely to occur.

Though unique employee characteristics often affect a person’s sense of stress in the workplace, for most people, feeling overtaxed, overworked, and minimally supported are universal recipes for increased job stress. Other sources of job stress may be certain workplace conditions that lead to stress, as identified by the CDC’s National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (see NIOSH job stress article here), including the design of tasks (i.e. workload, breaks, length of workdays, tasks that don’t having meaning or provide a sense of control), management style (i.e. poor communication, not involving employees in decision-making), interpersonal relationships (i.e. lack of support from coworkers or supervisors, conflict with coworkers), work roles (i.e. unclear expectations or too many job responsibilities), career concerns (i.e. job insecurity, no room for growth), and environmental conditions (i.e. potentially dangerous working conditions, including crowding, noise, pollution, ergonomic problems). Universal psychological factors discussed in this APA blog that often lead to job stress include a sense of powerlessness and traumatic events that occur while on the job.

Stress in the Tech industry & Start-Up Culture

Those who work in the tech industry or in start-ups often face anxiety-provoking work environments on a daily basis, dealing with fast-paced and high-pressure environments that demand significant and sometimes unforgiving amounts of flexibility, creativity, and productivity. It can feel like life is being consumed by work, instead of being supported by it. Larger tech companies may leave employees feeling overworked and undervalued, like a "cog in a wheel," despite the significant time and effort they sacrifice in the service of the company. Start-ups may feel chaotic, unpredictable, and disorganized. Although employees may be expected to take on multiple roles, and projects require urgent attention, there may be poor guidance and communication, leaving employees frustrated and confused. Irregular sleep schedules and social isolation deplete needed inner resources for coping. All of these conditions are a recipe for chronic stress, anxiety, and depression, exacerbated by a culture of silence around mental health that deprives employees of much needed support and time for self-care.

Coping with a Stress at Work

Ultimately, stress both inside and outside of the workplace can have a significant impact on our ability to thrive. Selecting the most supportive work environment possible, and learning how to effectively manage stress, can potentially tremendously impact not only psychological and physical well-being, but work-performance and success as well. However, whether you work in tech or not, it is not always be possible to work at a job that is a good fit for your personality or needs. If you struggle with chronic stress or anxiety as a result, know that you don't have to suffer in silence or alone. Getting support is crucial: whether it be from friends, family, support groups, or a therapist you trust. Additionally, coping with the day to day stress as best you can with healthy strategies can help. Here are a few tips for coping with the often unavoidable work-related stress:

• Use a planner or calendar system to keep track of your schedule of activities: Although we often use multiple online, paper, or smartphone calendar systems, try to stick with just one (or two, if necessary) calendar or planner so that keeping track of your schedule doesn't become too complicated. For some, using a web-based calendar that can be easily updated and has automated to-do reminders integrated in is most effective, for others, using a paper-and-pencil weekly planner is more intuitive and intrinsically rewarding. Find a system that seems clear and easy to follow, and reference your planner regularly. This saves cognitive energy, because you don't have to hold everything you need to do in memory, and you can free up your attention to what needs to be attended to in the moment. Track work-related obligations and make sure to block off time in your schedule after work for valued-activities, self-care, friends/family, exercise, healthy eating, relaxation, and fun!

• Try to avoid over-scheduling your work day (if possible) and home life: Regular use of time-management skills is often essential for maintaining healthy work/life balance when you work at a high-pressure workplace. If you have the ability to go home during a set time, do your best to follow that consistently. Depending on your unique situation, it may be helpful to avoid long hours in the workplace at the expense of other important aspects of your life, such as your physical health, relationships with friends or family, or time spent on hobbies or passions. Ask yourself: Am I working to live, or living to work? Can work be a part of my life, not all my life?

• Try to create a separation between your work day and personal life in whatever way is feasible. The line between work and home life does not need to be rigid. Although healthy boundaries that separate work and home life can be difficult to create with the quickly changing landscape of the tech industry, they may prevent you from carrying the stress of work home, and give you the opportunity to experience restoration by focusing on rest, relaxation, and play.

• Allow yourself time to decompress and unwind after work: If you live with other people, it might be helpful to take 15-30 minutes to yourself to rebalance after a hectic workday before interacting so that you can prevent spill-over stress (so often we get into arguments because we are worn thin from a bad day at work). Try to let your loved ones know in advance that you taking this time is nothing personal, this is just a needed self-care routine and that allows you to be more refreshed and connected afterwards. Practice activities that help you release the tension of work as much as possible, whether it is a hot bath, a walk of silence in nature, listening to music, engaging in aerobic exercise, riding your bike, meditating, or journaling about your day.

• Make sure to take your workday breaks. For some, it can be tempting to skip or shorten lunch or other work breaks to make sure you finish that important project on time. However, try to prioritize breaks just as you would any other work requirement. Your mental health and well-being is critical for sustained effort and attention. Try to use your breaks to do non-work related activities - think of it as "you" time. Use the time to hang out with coworkers, to exercise your body, or to practice stress-management activities outlined below. If your job offers you self-care based-perks, make sure to take advantage of them to help you to refresh and restore.

• Use stress-management & relaxation techniques throughout your day. During every opportunity that you can (e.g. allowed work breaks), practice relaxation and stress-management techniques to care for your body and mind. Exercise is a stress-management activity that can help discharge the physiological buildup of energy from anxiety or frustration, or energize and activate your mind during mental slumps or brain fog. Take the opportunity to walk (outside, if possible) during a break. Practice slow, diaphragmatic breathing at about 6 breaths per minute (5 second inhale, 5 second exhale) for 5 minutes to create physiological balance. Do gentle stretching after sedentary periods. Use a mindfulness app to help guide you through a 5-mintue meditation break. Use a creative outlet using a doodle book. Pay attention to whatever nourishes and restores you.

• Remember that you can't be perfect, and that's okay. True perfection isn't possible. A fear of failure often underlies the drive for perfection, but "failure" is often a necessary ingredient for learning and growth within multiple contexts of our lives, including our jobs. Try to remember that everyone you work with, including your boss or CEO, is imperfect, even if they do not show it. On a practical level, If you find that your job description and what you are actually doing in the workplace consistently don't match up, it might be worthwhile consult with someone about whether to talk about this with your employer to clarify expectations and brainstorm ways of addressing the discrepancy, so that both your and the organization's needs are better met.

• Speak up about the importance of mental health: Mental health stigma is a powerful oppressive force, often leading us to hide our emotional pain, and feel isolated and alone in our suffering. The reality is, approximately 1 in 5 individuals experiences mental illness within a given year. Anxiety and depression are much more common than most people think. Cultural myths that anxiety or depression are signs of "weakness" can be especially prevalent in certain industries. Stigma perpetuates shame and fear of judgment, creating a cycle of silence and suffering that prevents many from seeking needed support. Avoid shaming others who appear struggling. Invite open, accepting dialogue, recognizing that we are all human, and we all struggle.

• Get support.

  • Open Sourcing Mental Illness (OSMI) is a non-profit devoted to spreading mental health awareness, education, and resources within the tech industry.

  • Check out Startups Anonymous, a forum devoted to providing anonymous and positive feedback for those struggling in the tech industry.

  • Prompt is an initiative started by members of the tech industry to start more conversation about mental health in tech.

  • You might search for online or in-person support groups near you.

  • Receive support by opening up with trusted family members or friends.

  • Consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist or counselor to receive additional support, especially if anxiety or depression starts to pervade your life.

  • Talkspace is a subscription-based app to talk to therapists and counselors via text and video chat.

Know that you are not alone, and there is help available.

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

References

Sauter, S., Murphy, L., Colligan, M., Swanson, N., Hurrell, J., Scharf, F., Sinclair, R., Grubb, P., Goldenhar, L., Alterman, T., Johnston, J., Hamilton, A., Tisdale, J. (1999) Stress...at work. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/niosh/docs/99-101/

Miller, L. & Smith, A. Stress in the workplace. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/workplace-stress.aspx

Weiss, S. & Molitor, N. Mind/body health: Job stress. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/job-stress.aspx

Mindfulness: A Path Towards Well-Being

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

“Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated than that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it.”

— Sylvia Boorstein

Automatic Pilot & Reactivity

What guides you in deciding how to act from moment-to-moment, and day-to-day?  When you come to a fork in the road, how do you decide which direction to go?

It is easy to go through the motions of our day without conscious awareness, paying little attention to why we are doing what we are doing, and what is happening around us. We go through routines so automatically that it is not uncommon to wonder where the time went, feeling almost as though we were not really there. Have you ever driven somewhere, only to realize once you’ve arrived that you barely remember driving at all?

So much of what we do happens on automatic-pilot. The automatization of cognitive, emotional, and behavioral patterns is the brain's way of conserving valuable and finite cognitive resources. When we repeatedly do a behavior over and over again, automaticity tends to develop, and when we overlearn a helpful skill, we are aided in more efficiently and effectively navigating a complex, ever-changing world. Without the automaticity of the habits we develop, simple tasks would take inordinate amounts of concentration, energy, effort, and time. We would have little time and energy left to invest in weighty, complex tasks, and it would likely be very difficult to survive, let alone thrive.

The downside of automaticity is that it is also characterized by little awareness, intentionality, and controllability (Bargh, 1994). When we act with little awareness, intention, or control, this is typically not a recipe for success in difficult or challenging situations that require us to respond with care, precision or finesse. Automatic responding is often reflexive, reactive, impulsive or careless. Everyone acts reactively at times, whether it is by reactively lashing out at a loved one after a stressful day at work, or distractedly overlooking important details on a project, or missing a turn on the way home from work.

Automatic pilot is a habitual way of responding, and when much of our life is lived reactively, we can be robbed of the fullness of life that we desire, because we are disconnected from the present moment - we are not fully attending to what is happening right here and now.

Moving Towards Mindfulness

Although we are rarely are fully connected with the present moment, mindfulness can help bring us back to the “now.” When we are more fully present in the moment, we can make mindful decisions, and take intentional, grounded action. We can connect with the fullness of life (good and bad) that is offered to us in each passing moment.

But what is mindfulness, really? Mindfulness is a concept that originated in Buddhist philosophy thousands of years ago. Recently, mindfulness has been growing in popularity within the West and has become the focus of a growing body of research, which has found that mindfulness-based interventions appear to powerfully promote psychological resilience and well-being. Jon Kabat-Zinn, who started the widely-researched Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program, has coined one of the most commonly used definitions of mindfulness in the psychological field: 

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”

— Jon Kabat-Zinn

In breaking Kabat-Zinn's definition down, we can see that mindfulness has three major components, all related to how we pay attention. Our attention is what we use to observe and participate in life experiences. When we are mindful, our attention is:

1.    Intentionally or consciously focused (as opposed to unconsciously or mindlessly-driven)

2.    Focused on present moment (as opposed to the past or the future)

3.    Nonjudgmental of what we observe (as opposed to judgmental, non-accepting, resistant, or avoidant/reactive)

In other words, mindfulness is not as much about WHAT you are paying attention to, as it is about HOW you are paying attention to it. Mindfulness is about the process, as opposed to the content of your experience. The content of your experience is important, of course. However, mindfulness is about establishing a conscious, nonreactive stance towards the full range of your experiencing of life. It is about changing your relationship with your experience. You become more aware of and open to it, as opposed to shut down or disconnected from it. 

From my personal practice and professional training in mindfulness, I've learned that ultimately, mindfulness is also a way of being. It is a practice of consciously and compassionately “tuning in” to aspects of my present moment experience.  I may choose to widen or narrow my attention, and where to direct it -- whether my attention is finely pointed or expansive, observing inner or outer experience, all will do. Mindfulness is about the quality of my awareness of the moment. It allows me to more directly “experience” the moment in various ways, as I learn to allow and embrace what occurs, as opposed to rigidly attempting evaluate, restrict, or control it. Mindfulness has helped me to reconnect with the power of choice. When I become more fully aware and accepting of what is happening in the moment, I have the ability to more consciously and compassionately choose how to respond, which prevents reactive, ineffective responding, and unnecessary suffering. Mindfulness has lead me to experience more connected interactions with people, places, my career, and sense of purpose. 

Take note that mindfulness is not about getting rid of pain. It is not about just learning to relax, or to reduce stress. Though relaxation is often a side-effect of mindfulness meditation, it is not guaranteed, nor is it the purpose.  Mindfulness is powerful precisely because it changes how you experience difficulty, and teaches you to observe and “sit” with discomfort, instead of avoidantly struggling with discomfort and suffering as a result. Mindfulness is the opposite of avoidance – it is about embrace.  By changing your relationship with emotional or physical pain through being mindful, often, you become more open and receptive, enhancing your relationship with the joys of life as well.

The Psychology of Mindfulness

From a behavioral and psychological standpoint, mindfulness training allows us to alter and shape the way we habitually attend to various internal and external stimuli. It creates shifts in our attentional-patterns or habits in reacting to the environment. We become better able to respond effectively to unpleasant and pleasant stimuli, in part because it prevents a downward spiral of negative emotion (which would be created by perceiving unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations as threatening and therefore distressing). Our capacity to widen our attention and non-reactively respond to perceived of pleasant and unpleasant stimuli in strengthened. When the presence or absence of internal stimuli are no longer judged as threatening or distressing, more of our cognitive and attentional resources can be directed towards responding in more effective ways in accordance with our short and long-term goals. Our behavioral repertoire becomes more varied and flexible, particularly as we are reinforced through the natural consequences of our actions. Essentially, mindfulness can help us to improve our emotion regulation abilities and improve the quality of our lives. 

Mindfulness Meditations & Exercises

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.”

— Jon Kabat-Zinn

There are various types of mindfulness exercises and meditations that can help cultivate a state of mindfulness. Mindfulness is an attentional-control skill, and like any skill, it takes repeated practice for it to become powerful and accessible. To develop the skill of mindfulness, you can practice mindfulness meditations or exercises by focusing your attention intentionally and nonjudgmentally on different aspects of your external and/or internal environment:

Practicing Mindfulness of Your External Environment

Your external environment is what surrounds you - it is whatever is located and/or happening outside of your mind in the here and now (i.e. the room you are in, the chair you are sitting in, the people that surround you, etc.). You are always interacting with the external environment by perceiving and interpreting it with your senses. When you are first starting to learn and hone the skill of mindfulness, it is often helpful to begin by focusing your attention your body's experience of the environment you are in, because it is more concrete, and may help you to root your awareness more fully in your body and become grounded in the moment. You can practice mindfulness meditation that is focused on an aspect of your external environment (i.e. the world around you) that you can perceive with your body's five senses:

• Taste (notice the taste in your mouth, or of a particular food or drink item)
• Touch (notice the feel of air moving into your lungs, the weight and texture of an object in your hand, the temperature of the room, the pressure of your body on the chair, etc.)
• Smell (notice the scent or lack of scent of anything, including flowers, the room, nature, city, etc.)
• Hear (notice the tone, pitch, volume, etc. of sounds in this room, outside, in your body, etc.)
• See (notice the colors, light, patterns, shapes, definition, of objects in this room or outside, etc.)

Practicing Mindfulness of Your Internal Environment

You can also practice mindfulness meditation that is focused on an aspect of your “inner,” private experience. Your internal environment is comprised of whatever is generated internally -- these are our inner reactions that only we can directly observe. It can be difficult to practice a mindful "observer" stance towards our internal experiences, but extremely valuable for promoting psychological resilience, because mindfulness can help us "make space" for and non reactively move through painful internal events. You may practice mindful awareness of: 

• Thoughts (notice the positive or negative valence of the thought; notice whether the thought is a word or image; notice the frequency, duration, intensity of the thought; label the type of thought, etc.)
• Emotions (notice the presence of the emotion in your body, notice the associated urges or impulses, notice the frequency, duration, intensity of the emotion, notice the ebb and flow of emotion, notice thoughts associated with the emotion, etc.)
• Physiological sensations (notice the qualities of the physical sensations such as pain, pleasure, or neutral sensations; notice your relationship with these sensations, notice their frequency, intensity, duration, and ebb and flow, etc.)

Mindfulness may be strengthened through formal (planned) & informal (throughout your day) meditation practice. Informal mindfulness meditation practices may include the practice of mindful awareness throughout the day (e.g. mindfulness of physical sensations while taking a shower, mindfulness of body movements while putting the dishes away, mindful listening while in a conversation with someone close). Formal mindfulness exercises usually are planned exercises, such as mindful meditations that last 10-30 minutes and are practiced during a set time throughout the week. When you are first starting to learn mindfulness, it can be helpful to practice formal mindfulness exercises that are guided by an instructor or guided audio recording so that you can learn the technique. Mindfulness meditation can be quite challenging because it requires us to return our attention to aspects of our experience that we usually dismiss, ignore, or actively want to avoid. However, with regular practice our level of skill improves, and mindfulness becomes a more balanced and psychologically healthy way of relating to our daily lives.

As we come to a close, I'd like to share an example of a commonly taught body-scan mindfulness meditation exercise. This meditation can help you to bring your awareness more fully back into your body, anchoring yourself back in the present moment. You might try making a recording of yourself reading this mindfulness script so that you can listen to the recording to help guide you through the practice.

Body Scan Mindfulness Exercise:

"Begin to gently bring your attention to your body as it sits in the chair in the room. Move your awareness to the parts of your body that are making contact with the chair and floor. Try to cultivate an attitude of openness, and curiosity of your experience, right now. You can approach this as if you have never experienced it before. What does it feel like, where your lower back is pressed against the chair? Feel the surface area, an imagine an outline of the parts of you that are making contact with the chair.

What sensations do you notice? Observe the degree of pressure. Notice the temperature of your skin in this area of your body. Observe any sensations that may be present for you. If there are no sensations, that is okay. Observe that. Your job is only to observe and to notice.

If your mind has wandered to other thoughts or experiences, notice this, and gently bring it back. Now move your attention down to your feet. Notice your feet, imagining your attention is fully exploring them, inside and out. The outlines of your toes, the balls of your feet, your heels. Breathe your awareness into this part of your body.

Just notice this part of your body. Notice any sensations that are there. Perhaps there is comfort, or there is discomfort. Try to not attach your attention to any sensation, but imagine breathing into it and allowing even more space for that sensation to be there. Whether it is pleasant or unpleasant, just allow it to be.

Expand your awareness now, widening it to include your entire body. Allow it to envelop your body, connecting with your body, in its entirety, at this moment. Breathe, and just allow yourself to become aware of yourself, in your body right now. Perhaps there is difficulty or this comes with ease. Either is okay. Just allow yourself to notice your experience right now, letting go, releasing, and just letting it be without needing to do anything to change it. Just let it be.

Begin to notice the sounds in this room. Take a few deep breaths and wiggle your fingers and toes. Slowly begin to open your eyes at a pace that is comfortable for you as this exercise comes to a close."

Thank you for reading! If you'd like to speak with Dr. Lauren Helm, a licensed clinical psychologist at Rise Psychology, for help with integrating mindfulness into your daily life, please click here.

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

References

Bargh, J. A. (1994). The four horsemen of automaticity: Intention, awareness, efficiency, and control as separate issues.

Gu, J., Strauss, C., Bond, R., & Cavanagh, K. (2015). How do mindfulness-based cognitive therapy and mindfulness-based stress reduction improve mental health and wellbeing? A systematic review and meta-analysis of mediation studies. Clinical psychology review, 37, 1-12.

Kabat-Zinn, J., & Hanh, T. N. (2009). Full catastrophe living: Using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. Delta.

Khoury, B., Lecomte, T., Fortin, G., Masse, M., Therien, P., Bouchard, V., ... & Hofmann, S. G. (2013). Mindfulness-based therapy: a comprehensive meta-analysis. Clinical psychology review, 33(6), 763-771.

Wyer, R. S. (Ed.). (2014). The automaticity of everyday life: Advances in social cognition (Vol. 10). Psychology Press.

Resources

American Mindfulness Research Association

www.goamra.org

Mindfulness in Businesses

www.huffingtonpost.com/news/mindfulness-business/

Mindfulness in Schools

www.mindfulschools.org

5 Research-Backed Ways To Connect with Well-Being

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

Feeling off-balance or disconnected from your well-being? There are many ways to reconnect -- here are just 5 research-backed practices that may help you cultivate a state of wellness.

Connect with the Moment through Mindfulness

Connect with mindfulness and rewire your brain! Mindfulness is the practice of attending to the present moment with curiosity, non-judgment, and compassion. How does mindfulness help? Dr. Daniel Siegel explains how regularly connecting with mindfulness practice can have a lasting impact on brains and thus, our well-being. In his article about the science behind mindfulness, he says, “studies show that the ways we intentionally shape our internal focus of attention in mindfulness practice induces a state of brain activation during the practice. With repetition, an intentionally created state can become an enduring trait of the individual as reflected in long-term changes in brain function and structure. This is a fundamental property of neuroplasticity—how the brain changes in response to experience.” Growing evidence points to the wide-ranging benefits of mindfulness practice. Check out this list of research articles compiled by the American Mindfulness Research Association (AMRA) for more information about the science behind mindfulness.

Ready to practice? 

Check out these websites for free, downloadable mindfulness exercises:

§  UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center

§  UCSD Center for Mindfulness

§  MindfulSchools.org

§  MindfulSelfCompassion.org

Connect with Your Breath

Heart rate variability is the natural variation in the heart rate that occurs when we breathe in and out, and has been linked to psychological and physical well-being. Heart rate variability biofeedback trains you to breathe at a rate that that creates physiological “coherence,” or resonance, which may maximize heart rate variability, and result in enhanced well-being. Research generally finds that breathing at a rate of 6 breaths per minute maximizes heart rate variability (Lehrer & Gevirtz, 2014; Lehrer & Vaschillo, 2008).

Ready to practice? 

HRV biofeedback therapists and personal biofeedback devices may help you to become more aware of your physiology and help you to regularly practice this type of beneficial breathing. Rise Psychology offers biofeedback therapy with Dr. Lauren Helm, who is certified biofeedback. Local, certified biofeedback therapists may also be found by searching the Biofeedback Certification International Alliance directory. There are also wearable devices such as the newly developed Spire, or devices that you can use with your computer to practice at home, such as the devices created by HeartMath.com. A biofeedback therapist or device will help guide you in taking steady, smooth, regular belly breaths in and out (usually lasting approximately 5 seconds for inhalation, and 5 seconds for exhalation for a rate of 6 breaths per minute). Daily practice of resonant frequency slow-breathing may lead to improvements in heart rate variability, along with enhanced emotional and physical resilience.

Connect with Physical Activity

Regular exercise has been shown to enhance mood, and often can help those with depression or anxiety. Even just 5 minutes of exercise can provide an immediate boost in your mood. If exercise isn’t usually your thing, try to start out small and slowly build your way up so that you aren’t turned off from continuing to engage in physical activity. It may help to identify what type of physical activity feels most enjoyable and agreeable to you. Some individuals may be drawn to aerobics, others to strength training, and others to gentle stretching. 

Ready to practice? 

Whatever type of physical movement or activity you decide to engage in, try to find something that works for you (i.e. is the least aversive, and most enjoyable). Even a brief walk outside in the sun may help! You can also think about what type of setting is most supportive for you and conducive to exercise. For some, a solo-jog may be what is needed. For others, joining a gym or signing up for a yoga class may help keep them accountable and allow them to connect with others. Get in touch with what is most likely to set you up for success and try it out!

Connect with Gratitude

Gratitude can powerfully affect our well-being. Gratitude “recasting,” or finding ways to look at difficult situations in a different light that fosters gratitude, can help you get through difficult times and improve your well-being. Says Dr. Robert Emmons in his article about how gratitude works, “…telling people simply to buck up, count their blessings, and remember how much they still have to be grateful for can certainly do much harm. Processing a life experience through a grateful lens does not mean denying negativity. It is not a form of superficial happiology. Instead, it means realizing the power you have to transform an obstacle into an opportunity. It means reframing a loss into a potential gain, recasting negativity into positive channels for gratitude.”

Ready to practice? 

Try out gratitude journaling: Start out by making a list of at least 5 things that you are grateful for in your life right now. You can practice this on a daily basis. For an added challenge designed to stretch yourself: Work your way up to writing 5 pages of different things that you are grateful for. For a summary of more information about gratitude and ways to connect with it, read this article.

Connect with Altruism: Contributing to Others

Practice random acts of kindness to increase your own well-being: a study found that spending as little as $5 on someone else can increase your happiness. Altruistic acts may not enhance your well-being if you are performing them because you feel like you ought to or have to. Reflect on the intent that is driving why you are engaging in pro-social behaviors, and also pay attention to how you are participating in the moment.

Ready to practice?

Read this article to learn more about ways to make giving feel good. Practice random acts of kindness. Or share your appreciation or a genuine “thank you” with a colleague, friend, or loved one. There are many ways to contribute to others, and engaging in altruism may not only help you to reconnect with your sense of well-being, it may possibly even improve the life of another.

For more resources regarding gratitude and altruism, check out UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.

If you'd like to speak with Dr. Lauren Helm, a licensed clinical psychologist at Rise Psychology, for help with restoring your psychological well-being, please click here.

 Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

Reposted from Center from Stress and Anxiety Management blog: http://www.anxietytherapysandiego.com/blog/2015/5/11/five-research-backed-ways-to-reconnect-with-your-well-being#commentsWrapper

Feeling Lost in Anxious Thoughts & How to Find Your Way Again

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

We’ve all felt anxiety at some point in our lives (likely many times over, in fact), though perhaps it manifested in different ways. You may have noticed the rapid increase of your heart rate, faster, constricted breaths, the growing tension in your shoulders and neck, cold or clammy hands, or unease in the pit of your stomach. The experience of anxiety is unpleasant, to say the least, and as it builds, it certainly has a way of getting our attention.

Anxiety Has a Purpose

Why do we experience the uncomfortable sensations of anxiety? From an evolutionary perspective, fear and anxiety (two related but slightly different emotions) have a function: they keep us alive. More specifically, fear and anxiety are emotions that occur in response to a perceived threat. When we believe that something may harm us or is dangerous, we feel these emotions and they motivate us to protect ourselves from the danger, typically either by avoiding or escaping the threat.

Without fear or anxiety, we may not react to truly dangerous situations in an adaptive way, and thus not survive as a species. Imagine walking along and crossing paths with a Grizzly Bear. It certainly would not be helpful to feel no fear, and to feel like running up and hugging it! Our emotions give us invaluable information about the environment and about what actions we should take to protect our survival, based on how we feel.

Cognitive Errors

As incredible as our brains are, they also are prone to errors. We are not always able to accurately assess the true amount of danger (or safety) that may be present in our surroundings. Sometimes this means that we may miss a true threat that was present and suffer the consequences. However, in our modern day society, more often than not we experience the opposite – we overestimate the true amount of threat and thereby experience excessive anxiety as a result.

The problem with excessive anxiety is that it can negatively impact the quality of our lives in multiple ways. Prolonged, pervasive anxiety has an impact on our physical well-being, in addition to our psychological well-being. Chronic stress and anxiety can lead to a deterioration of optimal physical functioning, preventing your immune system, digestive system, and heart from performing the best that they can. Chronic anxiety may also interfere with your ability to sleep, eat, and generally function as you’d like to in life.

Depending on the context, anxiety may be an adaptive or problematic force in our lives.  In excess, the symptoms of anxiety can be overwhelming and interfere with our quality of lives, and thus it is often a worthwhile use of our time to become well-versed in the “language” of anxiety. Namely, how does it appear, and why? Once I understand anxiety, what can I do about it?

There are many different theories about what causes problematic anxiety, but this blog will focus on how anxiety may be developed and maintained by certain unhelpful thinking patterns. Cognitive distortions, or inaccurate thinking patterns, typically feed anxious feelings. They also may lead to avoidant behaviors, which perpetuate anxious thoughts and feelings. When the cycle of anxious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors occurs outside of our awareness, we can be left feeling baffled and as if our lives have begun to spiral out of our control. 

Perceived Threat

From an evolutionary perspective, it can be considered advantageous to be very sensitive to possible threat. In other words, our primal ancestors were more likely to survive if they very quickly and accurately responded to potentially dangerous situations. However, in modern day, an over-active threat-detection system can become burdensome. A low threshold for perceiving threat (i.e. situations very easily feel threatening) and an attentional bias to threat (i.e. focusing and narrowing your attention on potential dangers that surround you) can be a constant source of anxiety. Our threat-detection threshold and anxiety-proneness may be partly genetic, but it also is likely a result of having a previous experience that was stressful, anxiety-provoking, or traumatic. Our brains generally keenly remember frightening experiences so that we will readily detect the warning signs in the future and be better able to avoid encountering a similar potentially dangerous situation again. It makes sense that our brains are designed to work this way, but it also means that we have to cope with the surge of anxiety that comes from many "false alarms."

Catastrophic Thinking

Another thinking pattern that feeds anxiety is called catastrophic thinking. Catastrophic thinking occurs when our mind jumps to imagining worst-case scenarios when we are uncertain about an outcome. For example, our mind may imagine that our loved one has been involved in a car accident because they still haven’t returned home 30 minutes after they said that they would. Catastrophic thoughts may also be hidden from our conscious awareness, but still cause us to feel anxious and on edge. Catastrophic thoughts are often triggered by uncertainty and the unknown, and are attempts at anticipating and (ideally) preventing or avoiding very painful, negative imagined outcomes. 

Probability Overestimation

Furthermore, probability overestimation occurs  along with catastrophic thinking – this is when we overestimate how likely it is that the “worst-case scenario” has or will occur. When we are feeling anxious, we often feel very certain that the worst-case scenario will occur even though realistically-speaking, the chances are much lower (or are little to none) that what we fear will actually happen. This feeling of certainty that the negative outcome will occur motivates us to take action to prevent it from happening ("it's better safe than sorry!"). Unfortunately, we may anxiously expend significant energy and time trying to prevent something that is not actually like to happen at all, without finding substantial or long-lasting relief. 

Worry

Worry and catastrophic thinking go hand-in-hand. When we worry, we dwell on the many possible negative “what if” scenarios, and use extensive cognitive energy to plan for or prevent these potential future threats from occurring. In moderation, planning for future threats can be helpful, but when it begins to take excessive time and energy (which is quite exhausting), it becomes maladaptive and interferes with your ability to function optimally. More often than not, the cost of worrying exceeds the benefits (it may become a waste of energy) and actually feeds the anxiety that it is intending to placate. Because worrying tends to happen in the form of verbal or analytical thinking and planning, it is thought that worrying can act as a form of cognitive avoidance that prevents full processing of emotions associated with catastrophic thoughts. Excessive worrying that is difficult to control can cause us to be constantly on-guard and on-edge, leading to muscle tension, concentration & sleep difficulties, and trouble relaxing. Worrying can also be self-reinforcing - if we believe that we thwarted a negative outcome because we worried (a coping strategy, of sorts), we will most likely engage in worrying again in the future. Unfortunately, worrying rarely pays off in the way we intend for it to.

These are just a few ways that our patterns of thinking can create and maintain anxiety, leaving us feeling trapped in our minds. Now we will explore strategies intended to help individuals suffering from anxiety develop more adaptive ways of responding to anxious thoughts, so that they can get unstuck. We will explore two evidence-based treatments provide strategies for managing unhelpful, unproductive thinking patterns.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) identifies how certain types of thoughts or ways of thinking in response to perceived threats actually create more difficulty for us, and potentially lead to anxiety, stress, low mood, and other problems. Simply put, situations do not cause negative emotions; our perceptions of them do.  

Some of the unhelpful or inaccurate patterns of thinking (cognitive distortions) related to anxiety include catastrophic thinking, probability overestimation (overestimating the likelihood of a negative outcome), worry, filtering out the positive and only seeing the negative, jumping to conclusions, mind reading (thinking you know another person’s intent for acting in a certain way, when this may not be true), personalizing, and black and white thinking. CBT therapists help individuals to alleviate the consuming nature of anxiety by using various strategies to address these cognitive distortions.

The various approaches that are used in CBT to deal with these types of “inaccurate” thinking patterns have historically served a common purpose: correct and change the “thinking errors” that create anxiety. Over time, CBT has evolved and has placed more emphasis on helping people to generate more flexible, adaptive thoughts and responses to their thoughts. Instead of merely trying to replace one problematic thought with a more helpful one, CBT can help an individual to generate more balanced and healthy thoughts, and more easily identify and non-reactively respond to problematic, anxiety-provoking thoughts.

In other words, if you notice that you are thinking in inaccurate ways, it is likely best to recognize that it may not be helpful to act on this inaccurate thought, and better to generate a new, alternative way of thinking about the situation that helps you to successfully reach your goals. Instead of trying “not to think” a thought (suppressing or shut out a problematic thought), modern versions of CBT emphasize helping you create more thoughts that are based on a more balanced review of available information, and are informed by your goals in a particular situation. Cognitive rigidity, or getting stuck in one narrow way of thinking, is usually what contributes to us further being consumed by anxious thinking and behaving. Thus, CBT encourages you to increase your cognitive and behavioral flexibility (working towards developing a wide range of thinking and responding).

Cognitive Restructuring

Cognitive restructuring is a CBT intervention that helps individuals get “unstuck” from the “mind traps” that thinking errors create. Socratic questioning is often used to help facilitate cognitive restructuring and get at the truth. This approach is usually built into CBT therapy sessions to help change problematic thinking patterns.

Here is an example of methods you might use with a therapist to "restructure" a problematic thought:

1. Identify and write down the "hot" or emotionally-charged thought elicited in response to a particular situation.
2. Challenge the thought (i.e. “Is this a realistic thought?” “Is it helpful?”) and write down your answers.
3. Explore and write down the objective evidence for or against the thought (i.e. What are the facts? Has this happened before?) to discern whether the thought is accurate or not.
4. Identify other possible alternative explanations that are based on the facts in order to put the thought in perspective.
5. Generate and write down a new, balanced, and more helpful thought about the triggering situation from which to act on. 

Decatastrophizing

To more specifically target catastrophic and probability overestimation, thinking traps that fuel anxiety, decatastrophizing is a cognitive restructuring technique that is very helpful for providing perspective and relief. Decatastrophizing helps to reduce the believability of catastrophic thoughts, which as mentioned above, often feel much more likely to happen than they actually are.

If you feel trapped in an anxious thought loop, you may try using decatastrophizing. A therapist trained in decatastrophizing can help you work through catastrophic thoughts that are particularly difficult for you to unhook from.

The first step of decatastrophizing is to more clearly uncover the catastrophic thoughts and negative core beliefs that are often lurking beneath surface-level anxious thinking. Specifically, the downward arrow technique is used to dig below the automatic thoughts that we are consciously aware of to get at the core negative beliefs that are driving our anxiety. For each thought that is uncovered, it is followed up by a "What If" prompt, such as "If that were true, then what would that mean? What does your mind tell you will happen?"

Here is a hypothetical example of how the downward arrow technique might be applied for someone struggling with social anxiety is as follows:  

• Client: "I feel super anxious about going out with this new friend because I'm afraid I'll say something stupid."
• Therapist: "If you did say something stupid, then what would happen?"
• Client: "If I say something stupid, then they may think I'm stupid, and not like me."
• Therapist: "If that were to happen, then what would that mean?"
• Client: "If they thought I was stupid and didn't like me, then that might mean that I am unlikeable"
• Therapist: "What does your mind tell you would happen then, if you were unlikeable?"
• Client: "Well then no one would like me. I would have no friends. Actually, my mind is telling me that I would never be able to make friends."
• Therapist: "And then what? What would that mean? What's the worst case scenario?"
• Client: "If I didn't have friends, it would feel like I've lost everything - I would be miserable. I think it would also mean that there's something wrong with me. Something fundamentally flawed to make me unlikeable. That would be terrible"
• Therapist: "And on an emotional, experiential level, how likely does it feel that this would actually happen? How real does it feel?"
• Client: "Oh, like 98-100%"

By uncovering core catastrophic thoughts, and probability overestimation, we get a sense of what the client was actually guarding against by not going out with her new friend - facing the fear that she was fundamentally flawed, and thus would not be able to retain any relationships in her life. Usually, catastrophic thoughts and core beliefs like this drive entrenched anxiety and other painful emotions. By clearly identifying what thoughts are really behind our emotional and behavioral reactions, we can more directly and effectively challenge them. 

The second phase of decatastrophizing can then move into nonjudgmental questioning and testing of these thoughts. Questioning the actual likelihood that these anticipated outcomes will come true by evaluating factual evidence that supports or does not support these thoughts, helps our minds begin to absorb in important information: whether or not we are likely to face these worst case scenario outcomes at all. Additionally, by bringing emotionally-charged thoughts more fully into our conscious awareness, and seeing what they are really made of, their believability and charge is diminished. Another component of decatastrophizing entails inquiring about and planning for how you would be likely to respond, even if the worst-case scenario were to happen.

• Therapist: "Based on the facts of your past experience, have you ever experienced having everyone dislike you before? Have you lost all of your friendships and relationships with others?"
• Client: "Well, no, I've lost a few friends before, but that wasn't because they thought I was stupid, as far as I know, we just realized we didn't have a lot in common. I guess I've never lost all my friendships, especially not all at once or forever - I've always had at least someone in my life, or connected with someone new later down the line."
• Therapist: "Based on the evidence, how likely would you say it is that you would actually lose all relationships in your life?"
• Client: "Haha, well in reality, it seems like it's pretty unlikely. Probably like 0-3% likely to happen."
• Therapist: "What would have to happen for you to actually lose all relationships in your life, so that you were never able to make any more friends?"
• Client: "Gosh, I guess it would have to take something really big...actually, I'm not really sure there would be something that would guarantee I had no friends, unless I just stopped wanting them entirely, which I don't really see happening..."
• Therapist: "And if you actually did lose all of your friendships at one point, how could you potentially cope and respond? How have you gotten through something similar in the past?"
• Client: "I probably would keep making the effort to put myself out there the best I could. Maybe make sure to go to events with people that are more likely to be nonjudgmental, and have similar interests in me. If I had trouble with it emotionally, I could go back to therapy and or support groups. It would be really hard, but I'd find a way."
• Therapist: "What's a new way of looking at this upcoming time out with your friend?:
• Client: "Well, now I realize more fully that I don't actually risk as much as I thought I would. If it goes well, great, but if not, it's not the end of the world. I feel in my gut that I will always have the connection I need, with someone. I guess it's worth the risk to go and try out this experience, and who knows, maybe I'll have some fun?"

In this example, by the end of the exercise, the client's negative beliefs were put in perspective and objectively evaluated, given her the chance to obtain healthy distance from the thought that she may risk being rejected not only by this new friend, but all others in her life. The downward arrow technique and thought-challenging could have also been applied to the belief that the client was fundamentally flawed or unlikeable, which caused her to feel unsafe in herself and her relationships. There are many ways that these cognitive restructuring strategies can be used to help free ourselves from the anxiety-labyrinth created in our minds.

Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) guides individuals in becoming aware of not only their thoughts, but also their enmeshment, or fusion, with these thoughts. Cognitive fusion refers to how much we believe our thoughts, and thereby grant them power and “reality” in our lives. We often forget that every thought filters how we see the world, and dramatically impacts our direct experiencing of life. Regardless of how “true” our thoughts may be, they are still just thoughts.

Cognitive Defusion

Thus, ACT therapists help individuals practice cognitive defusion, reducing our entanglement with our thoughts. In other words, by taking our thoughts less literally, we learn how to become less attached to and controlled by our thoughts. We learn how to see them for what they really are. A thought is just a thought, an electro-chemical reaction. Thousands and thousands of thoughts stream through our minds per day. With ACT, we learn how to give them less power over us, and take back the power of choosing which thoughts we want to listen to (for example, being guided by a thought that supports us in acting in valued ways, as opposed to avoidant ways). With ACT, we focus less on changing the thought itself, and more on changing our relationship with the thought. We learn to relate to thoughts as just thoughts, products of a very active mind, instead of products of reality. Holding our thoughts lightly, seeing them from a healthy distance, and responding to them nonjudgmentally can allow us let them go so that we can get out of our minds and back into our lives.

Cognitive defusion techniques are practices that help us achieve this aim. These techniques may include exercises such as:

• Labeling your thoughts "I am having the thought that..." or "I notice that my mind is having a judgmental thought."
• Singing your anxious thought out loud (or in your mind) to the tune of a silly song (like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or any other song of your choice) 
• Thank your mind for the thought, such as "Thank you mind for that thought. I appreciate your contribution but I got this."
• Repeating an anxiety provoking word over and over in your mind until you begin to hear it as just a word
• Ask what the thought is in the service of. Is it in the service of your values or in the service of avoidance of discomfort?
• Watch your thoughts: Imagine your thoughts are like a news scroll reel, constantly streaming information that you can watch from a distance.
• Practice mindfulness of your thoughts, such as using the Leaves on a Stream mindfulness meditation.

These are just a few ways that cognitive defusion can be promoted, helping us to take our thoughts less seriously, leaving them with less power over us. When our thoughts have a less powerful hold on our experience, they become less threatening. We then have more freedom to invest our attention and energy elsewhere. For a more comprehensive list of cognitive defusion techniques, visit this list on the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science's website.

Additionally, ACT asserts that we have limited control over which thoughts or emotions we experience. The problem is less in the content of our thinking or feeling, and more in what we do with these thoughts or emotions, or how we relate to them. In other words, we can change our relationship with our thoughts so that we can focus our energy on what is truly worthy and important to us, instead of using most of our energy on trying to simply manage or reduce unpleasant thinking. 

In sum, awareness of our thinking patterns is often the first step, and changing how we approach our thoughts is the next step along the way of healing and wellness.

These two approaches may resonate differently for different people. Both CBT and ACT are evidence-based treatments for anxiety, and can help those who struggle with the reign of anxiety get back into living full and meaningful lives.

If you are interested in having assistance with unhelpful thinking patterns, Dr. Lauren Helm is trained in both CBT and ACT. If you'd like to speak with Dr. Lauren Helm, a licensed clinical psychologist at Rise Psychology trained in exposure therapy, please click here. 

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

References

Barlow, D. H. (2004). Anxiety and its disorders: The nature and treatment of anxiety and panic. Guilford press.

Behar, E., DiMarco, I. D., Hekler, E. B., Mohlman, J., & Staples, A. M. (2009). Current theoretical models of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD): Conceptual review and treatment implications. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 23(8), 1011-1023.

Beck, A. T., Emery, G., & Greenberg, R. L. (2005). Anxiety disorders and phobias: A cognitive perspective. Basic Books.

Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion In Psychotherapy. New York: Lyle Stuart

Hayes, S. C., & Smith, S. (2005). Get out of your mind and into your life: The new acceptance and commitment therapy. New Harbinger Publications.

Sibrava, N. J., & Borkovec, T. D. (2006). The cognitive avoidance theory of worry. Worry and its psychological disorders: Theory, assessment and treatment, 239-256.

Whalley, M. G. (2015). Self-help tools for panic. Psychology Tools

Resources

http://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/how-worrying-affects-your-body

http://www.apa.org/divisions/div12/rev_est/cbt_gad.html

Cognitive Distortions and Restructuring Handout:

http://www.reconnect.salvos.org.au/common%20mindtraps.pdf

Exposure Therapy: Find Freedom From Fear & Anxiety

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D. 

“Face your fears.” The wisdom of this adage is built into exposure therapy, an intervention that has been extensively researched and shown to be very effective in treating various anxiety disorders. What is exposure therapy? This blog will break down why exposure therapy is used for anxiety, and how it works:

Why Exposure Therapy is Used for Anxiety

Anxiety disorders are characterized by anxiety that has taken on a life of its own, interfering with a person’s relationships, work, and quality of life.  Although fear and anxiety are normal emotional responses to threat (these emotions motivate us to avoid potentially harmful situations), anxiety disorders are characterized by pervasive and functionally-impairing levels of anxiety. It is proposed by behavioral psychologists that anxiety disorders develop as a result of classical, operant, and vicarious conditioning, important psychological concepts from learning theory that inform and guide exposure therapy.

Classical conditioning (Pavlovian conditioning) refers to associative learning. A conditioned response usually occurs after repeated pairing of a conditioned stimulus (usually a neutral stimulus) with an unconditioned stimulus. If an aversive stimulus (e.g. a loud, startling noise) that leads to an unconditioned response (e.g. a startle response) is repeatedly paired with a neutral stimulus (e.g. a fuzzy teddy bear), the two stimuli become linked, and the neutral, conditioned stimulus (e.g. the fuzzy teddy bear) will now evoke a similar response (e.g. a startle response, now considered a conditioned response) to the aversive stimulus. Classical conditioning is thought to play a role in the development of chronic, problematic anxiety. For example, let's imagine that a person becomes unpredictably violently ill and experiences serious, uncontrollable vomiting (i.e. the unconditioned stimulus) while he is shopping in a grocery store. He feels very anxious and on edge (i.e. the unconditioned response) as a result of the unexpected and severe nature of the illness. For some reason, he becomes ill on a few separate trips to various grocery stores, just by coincidence, and begins experiencing severe anxiety (i.e. the conditioned response) associated with even thinking about going into a grocery store (i.e. the conditioned stimulus). He stops going to grocery stores because of the severe anxiety and fear of experiencing another illness episode (even though grocery stores are not the direct cause of either becoming sick or the original anxious response) and his ability to take care of his needs is compromised. 

Operant conditioning is also thought to play a role in the development and maintenance of anxiety disorders. Operant conditioning is a behavioral principle that refers to the learning that occurs because we experience either "reinforcement" or "punishment" as a consequence of something that we did or didn't do. This is learning that occurs as a result of the consequences of our actions. Reinforcement refers to anything that feels rewarding to us, and brings us pleasure or relief. Punishment refers to anything that is aversive or painful - something we do not want to experience. The man in our example above who became very ill found substantial relief (i.e. reinforcement) from avoiding going into grocery stores, which reinforced his use of avoidance behavior, and made him more likely to do avoid grocery stores in the future. When we avoid or escape something that makes us feel afraid, we feel relief, and simultaneously may make the conclusion that because we found relief, we must have escaped true danger. In sum, fear and anxiety are reinforced and strengthened as a result of the short-term relief that avoidance behaviors provide. An avoidance behavior is anything we do (or do not do) to avoid or escape something that causes (or "triggers") anxiety. However, avoidance of anxiety can lead to an escalating cycle of anxiety and avoidance. The next time we encounter the feared stimulus (i.e. the thing that triggered our anxiety, whether it be a person, place, thing, thought, memory, emotion, or physical sensation) in the future, the more likely we are to experience a more heightened fearful or anxious response (because we believe it to be truly dangerous), and to have stronger urges to avoid or escape.

Vicarious conditioning is social or observational learning - meaning that we learn by watching the consequences of others' behavior as they interact with the world. A young child may learn that the world is a dangerous, scary place by watching her mother look frequently frightened and anxious, commenting that she must always be on guard because otherwise she will get hurt. Perhaps a fear of dogs is developed by watching a friend get seriously injured from being bitten by a dog. We learn about the dangers of the world by observing others go through something frightening, and how they react, even if we have not directly experienced the same thing ourselves.

What It Is & How It Works

In exposure therapy, a therapist collaborates with her client to generate a list of relevant anxiety-provoking experiences (that are not actually dangerous) intended to elicit the very fear that the person has been avoiding. Exposures are developed based on the types of situations and emotional experiences that are avoided and cause problems in an individual's life. Although this may seem counter-intuitive, it is an extremely effective behavioral approach that helps individuals free themselves from the problematic cycle of anxiety and avoidance. Essentially, the reinforcement of avoidance is “blocked” during exposure therapy, and the client completing exposures begins learning how to face his or her fears without avoidance. In doing so, habituation occurs, which is like desensitization. When someone is exposed to something fear-provoking (that does not lead to a negative outcome) over enough time, the fear-provoking situation begins to lose potency. So long as the situation the client is exposed to is not truly dangerous, anxiety and fear will naturally drop off. With repeated exposures, the level of anxiety that is triggered becomes less intense and long-lasting. When avoidance is prevented during exposure therapy, the fear/anxiety response is no longer reinforced and strengthened. This leads the fear response to extinguish, fading away as time passes. New learned associations often occur after the feared-outcome does not occur, and the belief that the anxiety-causing situation was dangerous becomes less powerful and salient (e.g. "I guess I am safe and okay after all!"). 

Most people have trepidation about starting exposure therapy. It is understandably very uncomfortable, at least in the short-term. However, the long-term benefits can far outweigh the discomfort that may occur along with exposure therapy. Usually, it turns out that we hold beliefs about emotions (especially the emotions of fear and anxiety) that interfere with our willingness to effectively face our fears.

Common myths about emotion typically include beliefs that:

• Fear or anxiety will continue to escalate (without a ceiling effect or peak) indefinitely until the person gets away from whatever is causing them anxiety
• Fear or anxiety will become so intense that it will cause physical harm or death
• Fear or anxiety will become so intense that it will cause psychological damage, insanity, a loss of control, etc.

These beliefs often reflect a fear of emotions stemming from a commonly-held belief that emotions are dangerous. In and of themselves, emotions are not dangerous – they are physiological sensations (along with thought & urges). The sensations are designed to motivate us to act. The feelings that come along with emotions may be experienced as overwhelming (especially when we don’t understand them or it feels as though they can do us harm), but they will not hurt you (and it is not physically possible for them to intensify beyond a certain point). Frequently, exposure therapy results in the added benefit of being able to tolerate and accept intense emotions, and the learned experience that it is safe to fully feel your emotions. It’s what you do with your emotions that count – how we ACT can have a beneficial or detrimental effect on our lives and well-being. Therapists help you to learn how to effectively respond to your emotions, so that they don’t restrict your way of life.

A therapist who is well-trained in exposure therapy principles and will explain in more detail why it is not the case that intense, acute emotional experiences cause harm. In fact, one of the principles of exposure therapy is to ensure that individuals are absolutely not caused harm – otherwise that would defeat the point! Exposure therapy is all about learning that despite the anxiety, there is no danger, but rather, safety. Once this is sufficiently experientially learned and processed (not just known intellectually), dramatic change begins to occur.

Don’t worry – your therapist will collaborate with you to figure out the best pace of treatment. Depending on your needs, you may opt to participate in flooding (which essentially means that you face some of your most intense fears right away), or the more commonly used approach, gradual exposure (you work your way up an exposure hierarchy, starting with mild-moderate fears). Both approaches have been found to be equally effective, but differ in the length of time that they may take to complete, and in the likelihood of premature drop-out. Remember, exposure requires repeated practice facing your fears until a re-learning occurs. Sticking with exposure therapy until anxiety has naturally begun to dissipate (or tolerance of anxiety has increased) is essential for success.

It isn't easy by any means. But for many, completing exposure therapy can be deeply worthwhile. Finding out that you can successfully face your fears helps you to learn on an experiential level that you are *safe,* even if fear or anxiety show up. It may also help you connect with the tremendous strength and resilience that you have within you to help you move through challenge - inner resources that are invaluable for rebuilding a fundamental sense of trust in our ability to navigate what life brings us.

Are you interested in using exposure therapy to tackle your fears? If you'd like to speak with Dr. Lauren Helm, a licensed clinical psychologist at Rise Psychology trained in exposure therapy, please click here. 

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

References

Bandura, A. (1985). Model of causality in social learning theory. In Cognition and psychotherapy (pp. 81-99). Springer US.

Barlow, D. H., Craske, M. G., Cerny, J. A., & Klosko, J. S. (1989). Behavioral treatment of panic disorder. Behavior Therapy, 20(2), 261-282.

Barlow, D. H., Rapee, R. M., & Brown, T. A. (1992). Behavioral treatment of generalized anxiety disorder. Behavior Therapy, 23(4), 551-570.

Feeny, N. C., Hembree, E. A., & Zoellner, L. A. (2004). Myths regarding exposure therapy for PTSD. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 10(1), 85-90.

Foa, E., Hembree, E., & Rothbaum, B. O. (2007). Prolonged exposure therapy for PTSD: Emotional processing of traumatic experiences therapist guide. Oxford University Press.

Hofmann, S. G. (2008). Cognitive processes during fear acquisition and extinction in animals and humans: Implications for exposure therapy of anxiety disorders. Clinical psychology review, 28(2), 199-210.

Blog reposted from Center for Stress & Anxiety Management blog: http://www.anxietytherapysandiego.com/blog/2015/2/21/swy4tbpb4algabok9hnlhw46us518b

Obsessions & Compulsions Can Consume Your Life

OCD can cause tremendous suffering and emotional pain, and consume your time, energy, and vitality.

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

OCD Awareness week is October 8th – 14th, an international effort started by the International OCD Foundation (IOCD) to spread awareness about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which is estimated to affect 1 in 100 adults in the U.S. It is characterized by obsessions and/or compulsions that cause significant distress or impairment, or last more than 1 hour per day, on average. For each individual, OCD can look somewhat different, but the obsessions and compulsions that characterize OCD share certain features that we can learn to recognize with educated awareness. If you or someone you know has been diagnosed with OCD, you are probably aware of the tremendous suffering the disorder can cause. However, there are often many obstacles to getting diagnosed and treated. Not knowing the possible signs of OCD or that there are effective forms of treatment can block many from getting the treatment they need. This blog is intended to spread the word about some of the ways that OCD can manifest, and some of the ways that you or a loved one may seek help.

Getting to Know Obsessions

Do you struggle with thoughts or images that you found disturbing or unwanted, that repeatedly invade your mind, leaving you exhausted, worn thin and on edge from the endless battle they invite? Perhaps these thoughts are so opposite to who you see yourself to be, they make you shudder, and cringe at the fact that they crossed your mind…and yet they will not leave you alone, returning again and again, no matter how much time you spend monitoring your thoughts, no matter how hard you try to push them away when they appear, and how much energy you expend at attempts to ban them from your awareness.

You might feel confused or disgusted when you find yourself imagining doing something uncharacteristically sexual or violent, and terrified by the fear that you will act on the impulse. You might be unable to overcome the fear that you will accidentally cause someone harm or death, such as causing an accident while driving or dropping a sleeping infant. You might be tortured by terrible, frightening or disgusting images that violate your mind, the immoral or blasphemous images “tainting” who you are. Thoughts of contamination or of becoming ill might plague your mind, making your body and the environment feel constantly unsafe and in need of cleansing.

These examples of obsessions are not all inclusive, but are examples of common types of obsessions that those with OCD may experience. Obsessions are intrusive, unwanted thoughts, images, impulses and doubts that cause substantial distress and suffering, such as intense anxiety, shame, guilt or disgust. Although obsessions manifest somewhat differently for each individual, the common themes that underlie unwanted thoughts, images or impulses can be thought of as violations of the integrity of the body, mind, spirit, or sense of self/identity. Obsessions may be thoughts about contamination or illness, causing violence or harm to others, violating others, losing control, imperfection, engaging in religious blasphemy or moral violations, or unwanted sexual thoughts. The person suffering from obsessions does not actually act on these thoughts, but is often tortured by the fear of doing so and of what these thoughts mean about their character. Some people with OCD are preoccupied with “doing the right thing,” avoiding harm, or maintaining “purity” of the body (and/or mind or spirit), and the content of obsessions often feel particularly incongruent with who they are, adding to the spiral of confusion and distress, and fueling the motivation to heavily guard against these thoughts. To find relief, many individuals begin engaging in compulsions. A vicious cycle is created - the more that threatening, unwanted thoughts are pushed away, the more they return with ferocity and power.

Getting to Know Compulsions

Do you feel an uncontrollable urge to arrange things until they feel “just right,” becoming upset or agitated if you are prevented from doing so? Or perhaps the need to wash your hands again and again to eradicate a sense of contamination, experiencing a sense of urgency and need to get rid of the feeling of being “dirty” as thoroughly and quickly as possible?  Do you have a hard time leaving the house without repeatedly checking that the door has been locked more than once or twice, even driving back home long distances because of lingering doubt? Do you find yourself compelled to count to a certain number, or in multiples, to get your mind to finally let go of an obsession, or to feel safe again? Do you feel you have to eat the food on your plate in a certain order or specific rotation of your plate else you won't eat because of anxiety? Are you always asking others for reassurance to make things feel “right again,” to the point that both you and others are feeling burnt out from the constant need for reassurance? Do you compulsively mentally rehash events again and again, in a sort of mental loop without reprieve, looking for a way to prevent a feared outcome?

To contend with the power of obsessive thoughts, images or impulses, those with OCD may engage in compulsions, which are mental or physical behaviors that are intended to neutralize or reduce distress caused by obsessions, as well as the perceived likelihood of acting on obsessive thoughts/impulses. Compulsions can be thought of as a coping strategy, a way of getting relief from the overwhelming nature of obsessions. The short-term emotional relief that comes after engaging in compulsions is thought to reinforce continued obsessions and compulsions in the long-term. Compulsions themselves can be distressing, extremely time-consuming, and difficult to resist, leading those who suffer from OCD to feel at the mercy of their obsessions and compulsions.

The Cost of OCD

Both obsessions and compulsions can eat into individual’s lives, taking up more than 1 hour per day (sometimes occupying most or all of a person’s waking hours in severe cases). Not only do obsessions and compulsions cause emotional distress, they also can interfere with a person’s ability to function socially, within the workplace, or academically. Family members or loved ones are also often affected, as it can be hard to watch their loved one with OCD suffer, and to not know how to help. Sometimes, others in the person with OCD’s life can unknowingly reinforce obsessive-compulsive behaviors when trying to help.

Treatment for OCD  

The good news is, there are effective psychological and pharmacological treatments for OCD. Research strongly supports use of cognitive behavioral treatment (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (ExRP or ERP) for helping those with OCD get relief -- a therapist who uses ERP will help someone with OCD to confront and respond differently to obsessions and the distress obsessions cause, and to avoid compulsions and other behavioral patterns that reinforce or maintain OCD. Additionally, SSRI medications have been found to reduce symptoms in OCD (you can ask your medical doctor or psychiatrist for more information about medication treatment options for OCD).

Building Awareness

As mentioned above, OCD Awareness week is happening soon, and the IOCDF has events that will occur throughout the week in various cities. IOCDF's website has information about about events happening near you, as well as informational resources and tools. A very informative list of common obsessions and compulsions can be found on the IOCDF website here. IOCDF also has a search tool for finding therapists in your area that work with OCD. The American Association for Anxiety and Depression (ADAA) also has free educational resources and links for support groups, apps, and a therapist search tool.

Finding Help

If you are concerned about possible signs of OCD in yourself of someone you care about, please know that there is hope! You are not alone, and there are many resources available for support.

Although it can be very helpful to learn about signs of OCD, and tempting to self-diagnose, please remember that a diagnosis of OCD can only be made by a qualified and credentialed mental or medical health professional. If you do not already have a treatment provider who treats OCD, the first step is to find a qualified mental health professional (preferably someone who specializes in OCD). You can ask your family doctor or primary care doctor for referrals. A medical doctor (MD) can also discuss medication treatment options with you - it may be helpful to work with a psychiatrist who specializes in working with OCD if possible. 

In order to find a psychotherapist who can perform CBT and ERP, you may search online therapy directories that focus on OCD and anxiety, such as online directories offered by ADAA or IOCDF, or your local state psychological association. It can be helpful to know what to look for in a potential therapist, because not all therapists use the type of treatment modality that is recommended as first-line of treatment (exposure and response prevention). This article by the IOCDF provides tips for what to look for during your search for a therapist, and what you might ask a potential therapist. Finding a treatment provider that you trust can help you stick it out even during the really challenging up's and down's that will inevitably be a part of your recovery process.

In addition to seeking therapy and/or medication treatment, you may look into local support groups for OCD as well. OCD Seattle, a local organization, has information about support groups in the Seattle area.

If you'd like to speak with Dr. Lauren Helm, a licensed clinical psychologist at Rise Psychology, for help with OCD, anxiety, or related issues, please click here. Dr. Lauren Helm is trained in using CBT and exposure therapy to treat OCD.

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

References

Clark, David A.; & Radomsky, Adam S. (2014). Introduction: A global perspective on unwanted intrusive thoughts. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders. Available online 18 February 2014. DOI: 10.1016/j.jocrd.2014.02.001 http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2211364914000128 ↩

Koran, L. M., Hanna, G. L., Hollander, E., Nestadt, G., & Simpson, H. B. (2007). Practice guideline for the treatment of patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder. The American journal of psychiatry, 164(7), 1.

Resources:

https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd

https://adaa.org/screening-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd

Helpful Ways of Approaching Expectations within Relationships

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

Throughout the course of our lives we develop many expectations about how we think our relationships should look and how others should treat us. Many of these expectations about relationships are so embedded in our way of thinking that they are hidden from our view and fall outside of conscious awareness, and yet these sometimes invisible (and not so invisible) expectations powerfully influence how we interact with and respond to one another. Unchecked expectations can run rampant, especially within the context of relationships, and run the risk of breeding resentment – not only in ourselves, but in our friends, family, and partner as well. But why is this? Isn’t it a healthy or “good” thing to hold high expectations of ourselves or others? To have high standards?

What Are Expectations?

To determine whether expectations are helpful or unhelpful, it’s often useful to start by clarifying what we mean when we use the word “expectation.” What is an expectation, really? The Oxford Dictionary defines expectation as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.” In other words, an expectation is an assumption that a certain event will occur: That A will lead to B (or put simply, A --> B). This is similar to a prediction, which is a calculation that a certain event is likely to occur in the future, based on facts or evidence. However, an expectation is different from a prediction in that it becomes conflated with assumption, which is “a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.” In the context of relationships, expectations are often unquestioned assumptions that someone ought to say or do something, rather than the informed prediction that they may. Expectations feel more like “rules,” rather than likelihoods. When rules are broken (A does NOT lead to B), a very different kind of reaction is evoked in us than when a simple likelihood does not pan out.

What Purpose Do Expectations Serve?

The meaning of expectation becomes much more complex when we consider the range possible functions that expectations may serve in our lives. We commonly experience an expectation not only as a belief or assumption that something should happen, but also as an attachment to (or corresponding emotional desire for) this particular outcome as well. We want it to happen, and are emotionally invested in it. Attachment to a particular outcome creates a negative emotional charge if we perceive that we didn’t get the outcome we are attached to.

Although attachment to outcome leads to painful emotional consequences if our expectations go unfulfilled, I would like to suggest that expectations or attachments are not universally harmful or “bad.” I believe there is nothing inherently bad or good about having “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future,” or having desire for a particular outcome. In my view, having expectations and attachment absolutely makes sense, especially when we consider what roles they serve from an evolutionary perspective.  

Expecting that something will happen in the future is an essential survival tool that humans possess, which stems from our cognitive ability to think and plan ahead. Future-oriented thinking and planning has aided us in rapidly advancing and evolving as a species for many reasons, but especially because it allows us to predict and avoid harmful or depriving situations. Attachment to certain outcomes creates the emotional drive and motivation to avoid harm and to pursue pleasure and safety. We often use expectations to help us determine whether aspects of our lives (such as our relationships, career, living situation, or environment, etc.) “measure up,” and if not, our attachment to a different outcome may help motivate us to create change.

In a sense, expectations become a form of judgment – an evaluative process informed by whether what we thought what “ought” to happen did. Much of the time, what we want or need influences what we believe should happen, especially within relationships. In this way, expectations are emotionally-driven beliefs about what we think needs to happen so that we can create lives that are happy, fulfilled, and keep us safe. From this perspective, it makes sense that when expectations go unmet, our minds automatically interpret this negatively and experience varying forms of intense emotional reactions that motivate us to correct the situation and move us back into a safe place, conducive for survival. Thus, in and of itself, expectation is not a “bad” thing, and can actually be helpful.

Indeed, expectations within relationships are commonplace and may be essential for creating healthy, safe, and supportive partnerships. Fitzpatrick and Sollie (1999) found that when participants in their study felt that their current relationship was close to what they would consider to be an ideal relationship, they reported greater levels relationship satisfaction, investment, and commitment to their partners. Our expectations often can reveal what we value and want to create within our relationships, and we tend to feel more satisfied when these expectations are met.

The Consequences of Unmet Expectations

That said, we can also get trapped in a vicious cycle when we do not have the awareness or tools we need for adaptively responding to unmet expectations. In a somewhat darkly revealing manner, the Oxford Dictionary illustrates how the word “expectation” may be used in a sentence, by providing the following example: “Reality has not lived up to expectations.” Not surprisingly, in defining expectation, we readily turn our minds to the painful experience of unmet expectations. Nearly all of us have felt the heavy drop of disappointment, and the sting of hurt, frustration, shame, or even rage that may come when reality sharply does not live up to our expectations (especially when it is a loved one has not lived up to our expectations and done what they “should”). Emotional wounding can be created from profoundly painful unmet expectations within relationships, particularly when unmet expectations leave us feeling intruded upon, neglected, betrayed, or abandoned.  Researchers have found that when expectations about connection, passion, and destiny go unmet, the satisfaction and commitment within relationships is undermined (Vannier & O’Sullivan, 2017). Sometimes, unmet expectations can be seen as a sign that we are not matched well with a partner. However, oftentimes, due to our social conditioning about romantic relationships, relationship expectations can be unrealistic or overly romantic in ways that make them almost impossible for a partner to meet, creating discontent and dissatisfaction. How many of us have expected that if our partner really loved us, they should be able to read our mind? Or that if we are in a “good” relationship, there should be very little to no conflict? Or that that for my partner to be my soulmate, my partner should enjoy the same activities I do, preferring to do them in the same way I do, and wanting to do them at the same time that I want? That my partner should know what I need, without my telling them? That the dishes should have been done already? And so on.

The problem with expectations in relationships is not that we have desires, needs, or boundaries (which are absolutely necessary for healthy relationship functioning), but rather, the problem is the emotional aftermath and suffering that happens when expectations go unseen, unquestioned, and are repeatedly unmet. Our minds almost always interpret and assign additional meaning to why unmet expectations occur, which compounds the emotional distress from feeling let down. Here are a few general examples of the possible emotional consequences of unmet expectations:

(1) Unmet expectations can lead me to feel as though the world is disorderly, chaotic, and/or does not make sense (because A did not lead to B, when I thought it had to). I may be left feeling confused or paralyzed because my expectations were logical rules that ordered chaos, and provided a sense of predictability that has now been stripped away.

(2) Unmet expectations can feel as though an unquestionable “rule” has been broken, leaving me with self-righteous anger or moral outrage in response to this perceived injustice, which may feel like a personal offense. Alternatively, I may question or mistrust others’ ability or willingness to “follow the rules.”

(3) Unmet expectations can feel as though I have been deprived of a critical resource because the thing I wanted and expected to happen did not (my desire or need has been blocked from me).

In response to the pain caused by these interpretations, our minds (often subconsciously) then try to determine how to address the source of unmet expectations. However, the process by which our minds try to “solve” the problem of unmet expectations is often by generating judgment-laden causal inferences about “why A is not leading to B,” which can then lead to a worsening spiral of painful emotions.

For example, if my partner has not met my expectation on a repeated basis and I am feeling emotionally distraught as a result, my mind is likely going to try to figure out why this is to try and fix it. Usually, when strong emotions are involved in the reasoning process, our minds tend to quickly jump to broad-sweeping conclusions and spend less time objectively evaluating the facts. Perhaps my partner and I really do see things differently, and hold different expectations. Usually, I am not likely to see this as acceptable – instead, I will perceive it as a threat and a problem. My mind will go into evaluative-mode and try to figure out why and what it must mean that they are not meeting my expectations. If you follow the trail of the mind’s automatic flow of thoughts you might find something like this… Why did they do this? Do they not care? Is there something wrong with how they see the world? Is there something wrong with who they are? Is there something wrong with me for expecting this? Do I expect too much? Is there something wrong with who I am? Within the context of close personal relationships, often a conclusion is made that about our partner’s or our own character. They (or I) must have done this because there is something wrong with them. There must be something flawed or bad about them (or me).

In sum, my mind has now concluded that the problem is that my partner is “bad” or “wrong” because I did not get what I expected. I essentially blame them for the frustration, disappointment, or sadness that comes from having my expectations unmet. Then, the “solution” is often to “fix or get rid of the problem (my partner).” Ouch! This line of thinking is strewn with judgments and will clearly color your experience of your relationship, and it is a recipe for resentment and/or shame (and more). If I try to “fix” my partner and this does not work, resentment builds, more judgments occur, and I am likely to emotional distance myself from them. Ultimately, we tend to experience more pain and disconnection as a result of this cycle. Even if my partner concedes and shifts his/her behavior to meet my expectations, there is a sense of obligation and duty – almost as though they are not doing this of their own free will. In turn, trust may be undermined and resentment, once again, can build.

This kind of responding to unmet expectations is very common, especially when expectations are gripped tightly and without question. Without our conscious awareness of their presence or power, expectations have the potential to drive our relationships with ourselves or others into the ground.  Excessive and unchecked expectations have to potential to be detrimental to healthy relationships with the self or other.

How Can We Better Respond to Expectations?

Often, we haven’t taken a step back enough to see that there are alternatives to automatically evaluating our relationships based on our unique set of expectations. The only alternative we may be aware of is to “lower our expectations,” which is really not too appealing if it leads us to “settle.”  Should we not want to strive for more? Should we not expect to be treated with more respect? More love?  

I’d like to suggest that the problem is not that we have expectations (or even that we have “too many” expectations), but that when expectations are gripped tightly and without mindful awareness, they can stoke the fire of blame, self-judgment, and suffering. Here are a few suggestions for how you might respond to you and your partner’s expectations a little differently:

I. Expect that you (and your partner) will have expectations:

• Accept that expectations will be there whether you want them to be there or not. Expectations are largely ingrained in how we think for multiple reasons (e.g. they are connected to our brain’s strongly developed evaluative and planning abilities; they may be influenced by or even born from social and cultural conditioning, family norms, past personal experiences, etc.). That said, you can practice strengthening your conscious awareness of your expectations. Take note of what they are, how they show up, and how you respond so that you have a greater ability to intentionally choose how to deal with them.

• Remember, expectations are not inherently bad or good. Sometimes they can be helpful in informing our decision-making, especially when we step back to look at the whole picture and objectively identify as many contributing factors as we can. Sometimes they can be unhelpful, and create disempowerment or inaction.

• Try to come up with a plan for tolerating and coping with the disappointment and emotional pain that comes from unmet expectations. Use regular self-care and self-compassion when you experience a let-down. For severe disappointment or emotionally traumatic experiences, consider enlisting the assistance of a therapist to help you understand, cope with, and emotionally heal from what happened.

II. Try to separate out expectation (e.g., “This thing will and must happen”) from preference (e.g. “I like and want this/I do not like or want this.”):

• Make a written list of your wants vs. nonnegotiable needs (within relationship, the workplace, home life, etc.).  Then write down a separate list of your expectations for each important domain in your life, and compare this to your list of wants. Get clear about what your wants/needs versus expectations are. If you expect certain behaviors within a relationship, be as clear and concrete as you can about what these expectations are so that you can openly share these with your partner and determine what you both agree to. Vannier and O’Sullivan (2017) also suggest identifying any expectations that might be overly idealistic, unrealistic, and overly romantic, as these tend to undermine relationship health.

• Take ownership of what you want and responsibility for how you will respond to your wants being satisfied or not.

  • For example, you may try reminding yourself, “I want this. My want is valid. My want does not have to happen, but if what I want does not happen, I will step back to more fully understand it, and make an informed decision about what to do or not do about it.” Try to give yourself time to sort out what might be helpful for allowing your desire to be met, and avoid jumping to conclusions. The key is to practice engaging a conscious, intentional decision-making process, rather than reflexive or reactive one.

• When communicating what you want within relationship, sometimes it is helpful to share what you want as an invitation, rather than as a demand. If what you want is connected to a core value, openly share about why this is important to you, without expecting your partner to share your exact same views. Invite curiosity, discussion, and learning more about one another. Invitation is less likely to be experienced as a heavy, restricting obligation by your partner, and creates the opportunity for them to meet your desires more whole-heartedly, and from a place of freedom of choice. Engage in a dialogue about what you both want to create together, how you want to define the relationship, what kind of boundaries or limits you both agree to, how you both would like to be treated. Arriving at agreements about what you’d like in your relationship often creates a different outcome than when either partner silently holds expectations and becomes resentful when they are not fulfilled. Remember that agreements are not necessarily fixed in stone, and may shift and evolve with time as both of you grow in who you are as individuals. Try to regularly stay in dialogue and communication about what you both want so that your relationship agreements can be updated as needed.

• As hard as it is to not get what you want, try to practice acceptance of the fact that regardless of how hard you try, sometimes you will get what we want, and sometimes you won't. Sometimes others will not meet your expectations, and you will not meet theirs. This is a normal part of life. You are not in complete control of outcomes. Leave some room for some desires not being fully met. Try to also be open to these desires being met in other ways then you thought they would. Stretch yourself to be flexible while staying true to your values.

• Sometimes our attitude influences whether we are likely to experience our desires as being fulfilled. When we are flexible, open to experience, and grateful for what comes our way, there is much more space for satisfaction and fulfillment. Try to avoid excessively fixating on what you think is "wrong” as this can shut you down emotionally and cause bitterness and discontent.

• Keep in mind that many times nonnegotiable needs are related to survival (i.e. needs related safety, security, critical resources, etc.). Try to identify an action plan in advance that you will use if a nonnegotiable need is not met (have a plan for staying safe, etc.) and access professional help if needed.

III. When reality had not lived up to expectations try to remember there are many possible explanations for what happened.

• When A does not lead to B, remember that A may also lead to C, D, etc. There are often many possible explanations for what happened, just as there are many possible ways that we can respond in different situations. Moreover, there are usually multiple ways of responding to the same situation. Most of the time, A does not only lead to B. Reminding yourself of this often and coming up with alternative explanations for why A may lead to B can help build cognitive flexibility, a skill that helps us become more psychologically resilient in the face of challenge.

• Check your expectations - where did these expectations come from? Is it possible that they are unrealistic? If you were expected to meet the expectations you hold others to, could you meet them?

• If you tend to experience unmet expectations as rules that have been “broken," try to remember that much of the time, others have a very different set of expectations or “rules” that may be equally valid as your own. Just because your partner’s behavior might be different than your own, does not automatically make your partner wrong (or right). We are all free to see the world through our own lens, and to be true to who we are (that doesn’t always mean our lens will in harmony with our partner's, of course, but is helpful to remind ourselves to steer away from excessively trying to control or change our partner). Within your relationship, check in with yourself about where it might to helpful to loosen your grip if you tend to fall into the enforcer of rules. Alternatively, if you tend to feel overburdened or suffocated by the weight of your partner’s expectations, be honest with yourself so that you can then be open with your partner about what needs to change. In either case, try and come together collaboratively to see how the two of you can better approach your relationship expectations, since neither party's expectations are necessarily "right" or "wrong," - just different. If a relationship agreement has been broken, try to compassionately address the broken agreement together, and understand why it happened and what to do about it to repair the rupture (e.g. to decide whether the agreement needs to be adjusted, or you or your partner’s behavior needs to be adjusted). Try to focus on the underlying purpose of strengthening the health of your relationship, rather than punishing one another for “breaking the rules.”

Learning by Doing

Hopefully some of these suggestions about how to shift your responding to expectations will help your relationship grow in awareness, depth, and resiliency. In general, bringing to light your beliefs about relationships gives you the chance to take a step back and non-judgmentally look at them from a different angle, so that you can be better equipped and able to respond with conscious intent, instead of reactivity. But be gentle with yourself and your partner -- these are challenging suggestions to put into place, and some may fit, where others may not be relevant or useful.  Remember that so many of our ways of approaching the world and relationships are deeply ingrained and are take significant time, effort, and lots of learning through trial and error. Practice patience with yourself, and try to use relationship challenges as an opportunity to re-commit to using the strategies that help you to build a healthier relationship with your expectations, yourself, and your partner.

If you find yourself excessively mired by expectation or having difficulty shifting how your approach to expectation within relationships, it may be helpful to practice these skills in a warm, supportive environment, where you can get feedback and guidance from a trusted therapist.

References

Fitzpatrick, J., & Sollie, D. L. (1999). Unrealistic gendered and relationship-specific beliefs: Contributions to investments and commitment in dating relationships. Journal of Social and  Personal Relationships, 16, 852–867. doi:10.1177/0265407599166010

Vannier, S. A., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2017). Great expectations: Examining unmet romantic expectations and dating relationship outcomes using an investment model framework. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Advanced online publication.