The Life Tank Worksheet: A Practical Tool for Balancing Your Mental Health

One of Rise Psychology’s self-help resources is the Life Tank Worksheet. This simple yet powerful tool helps individuals assess and balance the key areas of their lives that contribute to overall well-being. This blog post will explore how the Life Tank Worksheet works, and how you can use it to cultivate a healthier, more balanced life.

What is the Life Tank Worksheet?

The Life Tank Worksheet is designed to help you evaluate the areas of your life that either fill or drain your emotional energy. Picture your emotional and mental well-being as a fuel tank. When the tank is full, you feel energized, capable, and ready to handle life’s challenges. When it’s empty, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, stressed, and depleted. This worksheet helps you identify what activities, habits, or situations fill your tank and which ones drain it, using a simple rating system to guide your reflections and actions.

How It Works

The worksheet is divided into two columns: one for what fills your tank, called replenishing factors (positive, energizing activities) and one for what drains it, called depleting factors (stressors, negative behaviors, or difficult situations). Each factor you list can be rated on a scale of 0-10, where 0 means it has no impact, and 10 means it has a significant impact on your emotional well-being. This rating system allows you to quantify how much each activity either replenishes or depletes your energy, providing clarity on where to make adjustments.

Step-by-Step Process:

1. Overall Life Tank Rating: Assess your overall life tank by giving it a rating from 0-10. This number reflects your general emotional and mental well-being. It can be helpful to consider how “full” your life tank is when deciding what to address first.

2. Assess What Fills Your Tank: Think about the activities, routines, or interactions that make you feel happy, peaceful, or rejuvenated. After listing these, rate each one on a scale from 0-10, with 10 representing those that have the most positive impact on your emotional energy. This helps you prioritize which replenishing activities are most important to continue or increase in your daily life.

3. Identify What Drains Your Tank: Reflect on the aspects of your life that leave you feeling exhausted, stressed, or emotionally drained. Rate each item on a 0-10 scale to determine the degree to which these factors negatively impact your well-being. This provides a clear picture of which stressors may require attention, whether through setting boundaries, reducing exposure, or finding support.

4. Develop a Solution-Focused Action Plan: Identify the replenishing and depleting factors that are within your control. Create a written action plan for each one. Focus on practical solutions that can help mitigate their impact. For example, if a specific task is overwhelming you, consider breaking it down into smaller, manageable steps or delegating it to someone else.

5. Create an Emotion-Focused Coping Plan: In addition to your action plan, develop an emotion-focused coping strategy for each depleting factor. This might involve mindfulness techniques, journaling, or seeking support from friends or professionals. The goal is to equip yourself with tools to manage the emotional fallout from these challenges.

6. Choose Your Focus Wisely: If your Life Tank rating feels low, focus on addressing either a depleting factor or enhancing a replenishing factor that requires the least amount of energy and has the highest impact. Choose to focus on actions that are realistic and within your reach, based on your current emotional resources. This prevents you from feeling overwhelmed and ensures that you’re taking steps that you have the capacity to follow through on. For example, you might choose to focus on a minor stressor that you can easily reduce, or incorporate a small but highly replenishing activity into your routine, like simple breathing exercises or a short daily walk—small changes can lead to significant improvements in how you feel.

7. Weekly Life Tank Check-In: To stay on track, schedule a weekly "Life Tank" check-in. During this time, re-assess your Life Tank rating and update your list of replenishing and depleting factors. This regular reflection will help you adjust your strategies and ensure you’re consistently nurturing your emotional health.

Life Tank Worksheet Example of Replenishing and Depleting Factors

Why It Can Be Useful

By taking a proactive approach to managing your Life Tank, you can better navigate life’s challenges and enhance your emotional well-being. Remember, it’s about making small, manageable changes that can lead to significant improvements over time.

The Life Tank Worksheet is grounded in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles, which emphasize the connection between thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. By using the 0-10 scale to quantify what fills and drains your tank, you can make intentional decisions to balance your well-being. The worksheet also encourages realistic goal-setting based on your current emotional capacity, allowing you to take steps toward change without feeling overwhelmed.

Additionally, this tool can be revisited regularly. Mental health is dynamic, and what fills or drains your tank may shift over time. By checking in with the Life Tank Worksheet periodically, you can adapt to life’s changes and continue to prioritize your well-being.

Start Using the Life Tank Worksheet Today

Whether you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or just want to maintain balance in your life, the Life Tank Worksheet offers a practical framework for self-reflection and change. It’s simple, customizable, and easy to integrate into your routine. Download the worksheet below and start taking steps toward a more balanced and fulfilling life today.

Practical Strategies for Thriving with ADHD

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that affects individuals throughout their lifespan, manifesting through patterns of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. While these characteristics can pose challenges in various aspects of daily life — such as maintaining focus at work, or managing personal responsibilities and relationships — there are structured, practical strategies that have been show to help individuals with ADHD manage symptoms more effectively.

UNDERSTANDING ADHD

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, meaning it originates from differences in brain development and function that are present from an early age. Research indicates that ADHD is linked to atypical brain structure and function, particularly in areas responsible for attention, impulse control, and executive functioning. These differences affect how individuals process information, regulate behavior, and manage tasks. The disorder is thought to involve imbalances in neurotransmitters, such as dopamine and norepinephrine, which play crucial roles in attention and self-control. Because ADHD is rooted in brain development, its effects can persist into adulthood, influencing various aspects of life and requiring ongoing strategies to manage symptoms.

Diagnostically, ADHD symptoms are generally divided into two main categories: inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), a diagnosis of ADHD requires that at least five symptoms from either or both categories persist for a minimum of six months. These symptoms must be inconsistent with the individual’s developmental level and must significantly impair their social, academic, or occupational functioning. Additionally, the symptoms must have emerged before the age of 12 and be evident in at least two different settings, such as at work, home, or in social situations. Here’s a detailed look at the symptoms in each category:

Inattention Symptoms:

• Frequently makes careless mistakes in work or other activities due to a lack of attention to detail.

• Struggles to sustain attention during tasks or activities.

• Often seems not to listen when spoken to directly.

• Has difficulty following through on instructions and completing work duties or chores, not due to defiance or misunderstanding.

• Experiences challenges with organizing tasks and activities, including poor time management and missed deadlines.

• Avoids or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort, such as preparing reports or completing forms.

• Regularly loses items necessary for tasks or activities, like keys, wallet, or documents.

• Is easily distracted by external stimuli or unrelated thoughts.

• Frequently forgets daily activities, including keeping appointments, paying bills, or returning calls.

Hyperactivity and Impulsivity Symptoms:

• Often fidgets with or taps hands or feet or squirms in their seat.

• Leaves seat in situations where remaining seated is expected.

• Feels restless, often described as being "on the go" or acting as if "driven by a motor."

• Has difficulty engaging in leisure activities quietly.

• Talks excessively.

• Blurts out answers before questions are completed, finishes others' sentences, or speaks out of turn.

• Has trouble waiting their turn in situations like waiting in line.

• Interrupts or intrudes on others, including butting into conversations or games, or using others’ belongings without permission.

LIVING WITH ADHD

Living with ADHD can profoundly affect daily life in several ways, impacting both behavior and emotional well-being. Symptoms of inattention often lead to chronic forgetfulness, such as frequently losing personal items or missing appointments. Problems with concentration and distractibility can hinder the ability to complete projects effectively. Organizational difficulties may result in a cluttered environment and challenges in tracking tasks and deadlines. Time management is another common struggle, with adults often underestimating how long tasks will take or finding it hard to stick to schedules. Additionally, many individuals with ADHD grapple with procrastination, struggling to start tasks due to a lack of motivation, even when they genuinely want to complete their work. Restlessness can also be a significant issue, manifesting as a persistent sense of unease despite appearing calm on the outside. Furthermore, difficulties with self-regulation can lead to fluctuations in energy, motivation, performance, and mood. The challenges associated with ADHD can often leave individuals feeling overwhelmed by daily responsibilities

Celebrating the Strengths of ADHD

While ADHD presents its share of challenges, it also offers a range of unique strengths that can be harnessed for personal and professional growth. Shifting the focus from merely managing difficulties to celebrating and utilizing these inherent advantages can lead to significant benefits. Here’s a closer look at some of the strengths associated with ADHD:

Creativity: Individuals with ADHD often display remarkable creativity, characterized by innovative thinking and a unique approach to problem-solving. This creativity can result in groundbreaking ideas and solutions.

Hyperfocus: Hyperfocus is a state of intense concentration that individuals with ADHD can experience, allowing them to immerse deeply in tasks they find engaging. This strength can be leveraged to achieve exceptional results in areas of interest.

High Energy and Enthusiasm: The high energy levels associated with ADHD often translate into dynamic enthusiasm and drive. This vibrant energy can fuel a passion for various pursuits and activities, leading to a proactive and engaging approach to tasks.

Adaptability: The constant need to adjust to a world that doesn’t always cater to ADHD can enhance flexibility and adaptability. This ability to think on one’s feet and adjust to new situations is a valuable strength applicable to various aspects of life and work. Embracing this adaptability helps individuals turn challenges into opportunities for growth and success.

Resilience: The challenges faced by those with ADHD often foster resilience and adaptability. Many individuals develop strong problem-solving skills and a unique ability to cope with adversity.

Spontaneity: Impulsivity in ADHD can translate into spontaneity and a willingness to take risks. This quality can be particularly beneficial in creative or entrepreneurial pursuits, where unconventional thinking is highly valued.

Empathy and Sensitivity: Research suggests that individuals with ADHD may experience heightened sensitivity to others' emotions. This can potentially lead to greater empathy and stronger interpersonal relationships.

Diverse Interests: People with ADHD often have a wide range of interests and a strong curiosity about various topics, which can make them versatile and knowledgeable in many areas.

Innovative Problem-Solving: The non-linear thinking associated with ADHD can foster innovative approaches to problem-solving. Individuals with ADHD might consider unconventional solutions that others might overlook.

Navigating the Challenges of ADHD

While ADHD comes with many strengths, it also presents a range of challenges that can affect daily life and overall well-being. Here’s a closer look at some common challenges associated with ADHD:

ADHD Burnout: ADHD burnout is a state of deep exhaustion that affects both the mind and body, emerging from the ongoing struggle to manage ADHD symptoms. It involves feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and less productive, with emotional depletion and challenges in maintaining self-care. Those experiencing ADHD burnout often feel drained by constant demands, leading to difficulties with focus, organization, and motivation, and may neglect responsibilities, increasing their stress and frustration.

Overwhelm: People with ADHD often experience a heightened sense of being overwhelmed, especially when juggling multiple tasks or projects. Difficulties in prioritizing and organizing responsibilities can lead to stress and hinder productivity.

Difficulty with Executive Functioning: ADHD impacts executive functions such as planning, decision-making, and impulse control. These challenges can make goal-setting, time management, and emotional regulation difficult, contributing to inconsistent performance in both personal and professional contexts.

Struggles with Emotional Regulation: Individuals with ADHD may experience intense emotions and find them hard to manage, resulting in emotion dysregulation, mood swings, anxiety, depression, and irritability.

Social and Relationship Challenges: ADHD can affect social interactions and relationships due to difficulties in communication, impulse control, and understanding social cues, which can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and strained relationships.

CBT Strategies for Managing ADHD

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) offers a structured approach to managing ADHD by focusing on altering thought and behavior patterns. It provides practical, evidence-based strategies tailored to the specific challenges of ADHD, helping individuals enhance time management, organizational skills, and behavioral responses. CBT also addresses negative thought patterns and difficult social interactions.

Time Management: For many with ADHD, organizing tasks and perceiving time effectively are significant challenges. CBT helps by fostering structured routines and organizational skills. Techniques like setting daily schedules, using timers and alarms, and breaking tasks into smaller steps can create consistency and improve focus, making daily responsibilities more manageable.

Organizational Skills: ADHD often brings difficulties with tracking tasks, deadlines, and belongings. CBT aids in developing effective organizational habits, such as prioritizing tasks, using planners and to-do lists, and decluttering workspaces. These strategies help individuals with ADHD achieve greater control and efficiency in their daily lives.

Behavioral Interventions: A cornerstone of CBT, behavioral interventions focus on modifying behaviors through positive reinforcement and clear expectations. Rewards and praise motivate desirable behaviors, while visual aids like charts and schedules help track progress and establish rules. These interventions support the development of positive habits and a more organized lifestyle.

Cognitive Restructuring: CBT addresses negative thought patterns that can worsen ADHD symptoms and feelings of frustration. By challenging and replacing these thoughts with positive alternatives, individuals can enhance their emotional resilience and overall well-being. Mindfulness practices within CBT further support managing impulsivity and staying present.

Social Skills Training: ADHD can affect social interactions, leading to communication challenges. CBT includes social skills training to improve interpersonal effectiveness. Role-playing, active listening, and empathy training help individuals navigate social situations and build stronger relationships. These skills are essential for enhancing social functioning and confidence.

Successfully managing ADHD involves a comprehensive approach that tackles both cognitive and behavioral aspects of the condition. Cognitive-behavioral strategies provide practical tools to help individuals with ADHD become more organized, focused, and fulfilled. By acknowledging and leveraging the unique strengths associated with ADHD, individuals can turn challenges into opportunities for growth and success. Embracing this multifaceted approach allows those with ADHD to thrive and use their inherent capabilities to achieve their personal and professional goals.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Barkley, R. A. (2014). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment. Guilford Publications.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2024). About attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Cleveland Clinic. (2024). ADHD overview and treatment.

Kooij, S. J., et al. (2010). European consensus statement on diagnosis and treatment of adult ADHD: The European Network Adult ADHD. BMC Psychiatry, 10(67). https://doi.org/10.1186/1471-244X-10-67

MSD Manual. (2024). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children and adults.

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). (2024). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Ramsay, J. R., & Rostain, A. L. (2015). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for adult ADHD: An integrative psychosocial and medical approach. Routledge.

Safren, S. A., Perlman, C. A., Sprich, S., & Otto, M. W. (2005). Mastering your adult ADHD: A cognitive-behavioral treatment program therapist guide. Oxford University Press.

Repairing Hurt In Relationships: How Attachment Theory Can Help

Conflict in Relationships

Conflict is a normal - and inevitable! - part of any relationship. Whenever there are different viewpoints, desires, or needs, there is the potential for conflict, particularly when we perceive our conflicting opinions or needs as incompatible.

The presence of conflict is not necessarily harmful, nor does it indicate anything inherently problematic about our relationships. However, the way that we respond to conflict, and attempt to repair the effects of conflict, matters significantly.

Conflict can often be resolved through communication, negotiation, compromise, and mutual understanding. When conflicts are approached constructively, they can strengthen relationships by building trust and intimacy.

Despite our best attempts to resolve conflict well, when emotions are heightened, it can be difficult to offer our better selves. Things can go awry quickly, and cause with painful feelings of disconnect and broken trust. Poorly managed conflict can lead to a relationship rupture. A relationship rupture is a significant breakdown in the bond between people, causing feelings of betrayal, hurt, mistrust, or disconnection. Ruptures can significantly damage feelings of safety and closeness within our relationships.

If relationship ruptures happen often, conflict can feel like a dreaded, rather than healthy, part of relationships. This can contribute to even greater conflict avoidance and/or negative reactivity to conflict.

Attachment theory can help demystify why we might run into repeated difficulty with conflict, and experience more frequent ruptures. If we better understand how attachment styles affect our patterns of conflict, then we may be able to take a more informed approach to repairing ruptures that better aligns with our (and our loved one’s) needs.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory emphasizes the importance of early relationships in shaping our ability to form and maintain healthy emotional connections. According to attachment theory, the way we bond with our caregivers in childhood influences our attachment styles as adults, affecting how we relate to others, especially in times of conflict.

Attachment Styles and Conflict

1. Secure Attachment:

Approximately 50-60% of the population has a secure attachment style. Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to trust others, feel comfortable with intimacy, and are generally more adept at managing conflicts. They are more likely to seek resolution and repair ruptures effectively. Individuals with a secure attachment style typically approach conflict with a calm and balanced mindset. They are comfortable with intimacy and trust, which allows them to communicate openly and honestly during disagreements. Securely attached people are likely to express their feelings clearly, listen to their partner's perspective, and work collaboratively to find a solution. They view conflict as a natural part of relationships and are confident in their ability to resolve issues without fear of losing the connection.

During an argument, a securely attached person might say, "I feel hurt when you cancel our plans last minute. Can we talk about how we can avoid this in the future?" They are open to hearing their partner’s side and willing to compromise to reach a mutual understanding.

2. Anxious Attachment:

About 15-25% of the population has an anxious attachment style. Those with an anxious attachment style may fear abandonment and seek frequent reassurance. They often experience heightened emotions during conflict. They may fear abandonment or rejection, leading them to become overly preoccupied with the relationship. This can result in a tendency to seek reassurance and/or to escalate the conflict in an attempt to test the security of the relationship. People with an anxious attachment style might struggle with expressing their needs directly and may instead resort to passive-aggressive behavior or anxious, angry, or critical ways of communicating.

In a conflict, an anxiously attached person might say, "You never spend enough time with me. Do you even care about this relationship?" Their approach may come across as demanding or overly critical, and is often accompanied by seeking immediate reassurance from their partner that the security of the relationship is intact.

3. Avoidant Attachment:

Approximately 15-25% of the population has an avoidant attachment style. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may value independence over intimacy and tend to withdraw during conflicts. They might struggle with addressing emotional issues directly, and tend to distance themselves during conflict. They might feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may prefer to avoid discussing difficult topics. This can lead to withdrawal, shutting down communication, or even walking away from the situation entirely. Avoidantly attached individuals often prioritize independence and may view conflict as a threat to their autonomy.

When faced with a disagreement, an avoidantly attached person might say, "I don’t want to talk about this right now," and then retreat into silence or busy themselves with other activities. This avoidance can create further tension and feelings of abandonment for their partner. Unresolved issues can linger and contribute to feelings of resentment over time.

4. Disorganized Attachment:

About 5-10% of the population has a disorganized attachment style. This style is characterized by unpredictable responses to conflict within relationships. People with a disorganized attachment style often experience conflicting feelings about closeness and distance. They might have difficulty managing their emotions and can alternate between seeking comfort and pushing their partner away. This inconsistency can make conflict especially challenging, because it can feel unpredictable and confusing for both themselves and their partner.

During a conflict, a person with a disorganized attachment style might oscillate between saying, "I need you to be here for me," and "Just leave me alone!" This push-pull dynamic can feel chaotic and emotionally charged.

Steps to Repair Relationship Ruptures

When we are able to recognize the role of attachment styles in our own patterns of conflict, we can more clearly work towards strengthening the skills that help us repair relationship ruptures in healthier ways. Listed below are guidelines for repairing ruptures more effectively, with suggestions for individuals with each attachment style.

1. Recognize and Reflect

It is essential to pause and reflect on what happened after the relationship rupture, taking the time to identify the specific actions or words that contributed to the conflict (it can help to write this down for the sake of clarity). Practice perspective-taking and empathy, reflecting on how your partner’s sense of security and trust may have been impacted as well.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be inclined to downplay the significance of the rupture or your loved one’s difficult emotions, in order to avoid your feelings of overwhelm or discomfort.

However, it's essential to pause and consciously acknowledge that minimizing conflict, dismissing your partner’s feelings, withdrawing, or reacting defensively will work against you, and damage your partner’s trust.

Try to break down the conflict into manageable parts to make it feel less daunting. Start by identifying the primary areas of disagreement. For example, issues might include clashing communication styles, unmet expectations, or unmet emotional needs.

Practice perspective-taking, and ask yourself, "What was my partner feeling, and what might they have needed?" Challenge yourself to think about the positive aspects of the relationship, and how addressing this conflict may improve your relationship in the long run.

In the long-term, consider whether you are willing to gradually work on becoming more comfortable with emotional intimacy and conflict. Each small step you take to build tolerance of emotional closeness and vulnerability matters significantly, and increases your ability to maintain healthy and satisfying relationships.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may immediately feel panicked and fear abandonment when a rupture occurs. Anger related to feelings of betrayal or abandonment may also surge.

If anxiety or anger becomes difficult to disentangle from, practice at least 5-10 minutes of slow, diaphragmatic breaths to help regulate your autonomic nervous system. Then, commit to reflecting on the situation so that you can arrive at a balanced perspective.

You may consider using CBT strategies, such as decatastrophizing techniques, to help you more accurately assess the level of threat tied to the conflict. Decatastrophizing techniques are intended to help us more objectively reinterpret our concerns and respond to them in more effective ways.

For example, write down your responses to the following decatastrophizing prompts:

“What is the worst-case scenario, best-case scenario, and most likely scenario?

What kind of response would be helpful if the ‘most likely’ scenario is true?

If the worst-case scenario were to happen, what actionable steps could I take to care for my needs, receive support, and make it through this to the other side?”

It may also be helpful to purposefully think through, and write down, alternative explanations for your partner or loved one’s behavior. Reminding yourself of the positive aspects and strengths of your relationship can help to counterbalance the emotional impact of recent conflict.

Finally, it is important to identify your needs and boundaries, so that you can be prepared to express them effectively.

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might feel conflicted or paralyzed by the rupture, uncertain whether to confront it or withdraw.

It’s important to create a safe space for reflection, perhaps by journaling or speaking with a trusted friend or therapist. For example, while working with a therapist, you might reflect on the sequence of events involved in the conflict, and identify the specific triggers for feelings of confusion or emotional overwhelm.

It is not uncommon for our responses to conflict to be influenced by past traumatic experiences within relationships, and a therapist can also help you identify whether your reaction may be influenced past trauma.

Learning how to compassionately acknowledge fears that are activated within our closest relationships can be an important first step towards lessening their control over our reactions, and pave the way for learning how to effectively communicate your needs and emotions clearly.

Over time, it is possible to build a sense of security within your relationship while working through the conflict.

Secure Attachment: If you're securely attached, you might naturally acknowledge and reflect on ruptures. Even if the issue seems minor, taking the time to reflect on your emotions and actions will reinforce your ability to respond to conflict effectively..

2. Open a Compassionate Dialogue

Once you've identified the source of the rupture, the next step is to open a dialogue with your partner.

Approach the conversation with empathy, aiming to understand your partner's perspective without rushing to defend yourself or fix the problem immediately.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.” Consider writing down what you’d like to say, so that you can read or reference your notes when discussing your concerns with your partner. Encourage your partner to share their feelings as well, and to make sure they have a chance to feel heard and validated.

If you begin to feel overwhelmed when communicating with your partner, let them know that repairing the conflict is important to you, and that in order to do that well, you need to take a break to self-regulate. Let your partner know that you will return to work through the issue. Try to provide a reasonable time estimate, such as 30 minutes, and stick to it, so that your partner is less likely to feel abandoned.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant style, opening up a dialogue might feel like exposing yourself to criticism.

Prioritize understanding your partner, rather than defending yourself.

For example, instead of saying, "I didn’t think it was a big deal," try, "I want to understand how my actions affected you, even if I didn’t see it that way initially."

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, you might fear that the conversation could lead to further conflict or rejection.

Before engaging, practice calming techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness to soothe your nerves.

When you start the conversation, use “I” statements, such as, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style may struggle with maintaining a calm and coherent dialogue due to conflicting emotions.

To help with this, consider writing down your thoughts beforehand or even creating a “communication script” to keep the conversation focused.

For example, plan to say, “I’m feeling a lot of different emotions about what happened, and I’d like to talk through them with you.”

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals often excel in opening compassionate dialogues. Ensure that you continue to listen actively to your partner and validate their feelings.

You might say, “I noticed we were both upset earlier, and I want to make sure we’re both okay now. How are you feeling about what happened?”

3. Take Responsibility and Offer a Sincere Apology

Taking responsibility for our part in the rupture is key to repairing and restoring trust within our relationships. Offer a sincere apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings and the impact of your actions.

For example, “I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and that was not my intention.”

Avoidant Attachment: Apologizing might make you feel vulnerable, as it can seem like a loss of control. To reframe this, remind yourself that taking responsibility is a strength, not a weakness.

You might say, “I’m sorry for my reaction earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and I’m committed to working on this.” This approach allows you to take ownership while maintaining your sense of self.

Anxious Attachment: With an anxious attachment style, you might be quick to apologize, sometimes even for things that aren’t your fault, out of a fear of losing your partner. It’s important to apologize sincerely, but also ensure that you’re only taking responsibility for your own actions.

For instance, say, “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier, but I’d also like to talk about how we can both communicate better next time.”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might struggle with offering a coherent apology due to inner conflict. To help with this, take time to process your feelings first, perhaps with a supportive friend or therapist. When you’re ready, offer an apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings, such as, “I’m sorry for how I acted. I realize it was confusing, and I’m working on understanding my own feelings better.”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often find it easier to apologize because they are confident in their relationships. Continue to offer sincere apologies that acknowledge the impact of your actions, like, “I’m really sorry for interrupting you earlier. I didn’t realize how it made you feel unheard, and I’ll be more mindful in the future.”

4. Create a Plan for Moving Forward

After acknowledging the rupture and apologizing, it’s important to collaborate with your partner on a plan to prevent similar issues in the future. Discuss what each of you needs to feel secure and understood moving forward. Set clear expectations and boundaries that respect both partners’ needs. For example, you might agree to check in with each other regularly or establish a “time-out” signal for when emotions run high.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, the idea of making a plan might feel restrictive or unnecessary.

However, collaborating with your partner can actually strengthen your autonomy by establishing clear boundaries and expectations.

You might agree to regular check-ins or create a “time-out” signal when things get heated, ensuring both partners feel secure without feeling trapped.

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, creating a plan might feel like a way to regain security in the relationship, but it’s important to ensure the plan is balanced and respects both partners’ needs.

For example, you might suggest, “Let’s agree to check in with each other every evening, but also give each other space when we need it.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style might find it challenging to stick to a plan due to inconsistent feelings.

It can be helpful to start small and build consistency over time. You might begin with something simple, like setting aside 10 minutes each day to discuss how you’re both feeling, gradually building trust in the process.

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals are typically comfortable with creating and following through on plans. Use this strength to ensure the plan is clear and mutually agreed upon, like, “Let’s set aside some time each week to talk about how things are going and what we can do to support each other.”

5. Rebuild Trust Through Consistency and Patience

Repairing a relationship rupture is not a one-time event but an ongoing process. In order to rebuild and strengthen trust, it is crucial to remain consistent in our words and actions, and patience with our partner’s healing process. Demonstrate reliability and follow through on any commitments made during your discussions. Trust is rebuilt through small, consistent actions that reinforce your commitment to the relationship.

Avoidant Attachment: Rebuilding trust might feel uncomfortable because it requires consistent emotional availability, which can be challenging for individuals with avoidant attachment.

Focus on small, manageable steps, like consistently following through on promises or being present during important conversations. Remind yourself that this consistency will strengthen your relationship without compromising your independence.

Anxious Attachment: For those with an anxious attachment style, trust might need more frequent reassurance.

It’s important to communicate your needs clearly while also recognizing your partner’s efforts. You might say, “I really appreciate when you check in with me during the day—it helps me feel secure.”

Disorganized Attachment: With a disorganized attachment style, you might find it difficult to be consistent due to fluctuating emotions.

Work on maintaining small, consistent actions, like sending a daily message to your partner or setting regular times to connect. Gradual consistency can help rebuild trust and create a sense of stability.

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals usually find it natural to be consistent and patient in rebuilding trust.

Continue to demonstrate reliability and be patient with your partner’s healing process. You might say, “I know trust takes time to rebuild, and I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to make sure you feel secure.”

6. Practice Self-Care and Self-Reflection

Lastly, maintaining a healthy relationship requires ongoing self-care and self-reflection. Taking care of your own emotional well-being ensures that you can show up as your best self in your relationships. Engage in regular self-care activities that help you manage stress and stay emotionally balanced. If you find certain patterns challenging, consider seeking support from a therapist.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant attachment style, self-care might involve activities that allow for independence, such as solo hobbies or mindfulness practices. However, it’s also important to reflect on how your need for space impacts your partner.

Consider integrating practices that help you stay emotionally present, like journaling about your feelings or setting aside time for regular self-reflection.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may benefit from self-care activities that help regulate emotions, such as meditation, yoga, or therapy.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider how they affect your relationships. For example, you might ask yourself, “How can I practice patience and trust without needing constant reassurance?”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, self-care might involve finding ways to calm and regulate your emotions, such as through therapy, meditation, or creative outlets like art or writing.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider seeking professional support to navigate complex emotions. Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel more grounded and secure in my relationships?”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often have a good balance between self-care and relationship care.

Continue to practice self-reflection and ensure that you’re taking care of your own emotional needs while being present for your partner. You might ask yourself, “Am I maintaining a healthy balance between my own needs and my partner’s needs?”

Conclusion

Repairing ruptures within relationships is a critical skill that can lead to stronger, more resilient connections. By understanding and applying attachment theory, we can better navigate conflicts and foster healthy, enduring relationships. Rise Psychology offers support and strategies to help you develop these essential skills and improve your relational health. For personalized guidance and more tips on repairing relational ruptures, reach out to us at Rise Psychology.

References:

- Bowlby, J. (1982). *Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment*. Basic Books.

- Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). *Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation*. Erlbaum.

- Johnson, S. M. (2019). *Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families*. The Guilford Press.

- Tatkin, S. (2016). *Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship*. New Harbinger Publications.

Depleted: The Nature of Job Burnout

Burnout is common in today's fast-paced world, especially among professionals juggling demanding jobs and personal lives. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands, you may be experiencing the effects of burnout. Burnout is typically more than feeling a bit tired or stressed; it's a state of profound emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion that can significantly impact our mental health and overall well-being. Recognizing and responding to the impending signs of burnout can be essential in helping us to regain balance, improve our footing, and reconnect with our lives in an enriching way. Read on the learn more about what burnout is, why it matters, what can be done to prevent it, and how to take care of ourselves when it occurs.

What Is Burnout?

The term "burnout" was popularized in the 1970s by American psychologist Christina Maslach, whose pioneering research laid the groundwork for understanding this complex condition. Maslach's work, particularly the development of the Maslach Burnout Inventory (MBI), has been instrumental in identifying and measuring the core dimensions of occupational burnout.

According to Maslach's research, burnout is comprised of three primary dimensions:

1. Emotional Exhaustion: This dimension involves feelings of being emotionally drained and depleted of emotional resources. Individuals experiencing emotional exhaustion often feel they are no longer able to give of themselves. For example, this can be experienced as a persistent feeling of running on empty. Responsibilities may create the feeling of dread, and it can become increasingly difficult to muster any energy for daily tasks that lie ahead.

2. Depersonalization: Also known as cynicism, this dimension is characterized by a negative, detached response to various aspects of our career. It often involves developing a cynical attitude towards one's work and colleagues, leading to feelings of alienation. When depersonalization occurs, what was once was a source of pride and purpose can begin to feel like a tedious chore. Colleagues, clients, family, or friends may begin to feel like mere obstacles to the endless requirements of the day, and a sense of isolation can grow.

3. Reduced Personal Accomplishment: This dimension reflects a decline in feelings of competence and achievement at work. Individuals may feel dissatisfied with their job performance and doubt their ability to contribute effectively. When reduced personal accomplishment occurs, tasks that once felt manageable may begin to feel insurmountable, and setbacks can feel like personal failures.

Causes and Risk Factors

Burnout doesn't just appear out of nowhere; it's the result of a complex interplay of factors. Recognizing that burnout doesn’t happen in isolation is crucial for addressing it effectively. Think about how a plant might wilt. It’s not just the lack of water that causes it to droop; it could be poor soil, too much sunlight, or even pests. Similarly, burnout is often the culmination of various environmental stressors and strains that build up over time (such as a culture of constant availability, unrealistic expectations, and a lack of meaningful recognition) in combination with personality factors like perfectionism or difficulty setting boundaries. Additionally, stressors outside of work, such as family pressures or financial concerns, can also contribute and compound the sense of being overwhelmed.

Personality risk factors

While anyone can experience burnout, certain personality characteristics can increase our susceptibility to burnout. By fostering self-awareness and developing coping strategies, we can mitigate these risks and promote long-term well-being. Here are some key personality factors that elevate the risk of burnout:

1. Perfectionism: Perfectionists set exceedingly high standards for themselves and others. They often struggle with the fear of making mistakes, which can lead to chronic stress and a sense of inadequacy when those high standards are not met. This relentless pursuit of perfection can deplete emotional and physical energy, paving the way for burnout.

2. Type A Personality: Individuals with Type A personalities are typically competitive, highly organized, and ambitious. They thrive on achievement but often do so at the expense of their well-being. Their constant drive to succeed and their inability to relax can lead to prolonged stress and eventual burnout.

3. High Need for Control: People who have a strong need for control may find it difficult to delegate tasks or accept help from others. This trait can result in taking on too much responsibility, leading to overwhelming workloads and increased stress levels, which contribute to burnout.

4. Low Resilience: Resilience refers to the ability to bounce back from adversity. Individuals with low resilience may have difficulty coping with stress and setbacks, making them more prone to experiencing burnout when faced with ongoing challenges and pressures.

5. High Empathy: While empathy is a valuable trait, those who are highly empathetic, such as healthcare providers or therapists, may find themselves emotionally drained by the constant need to care for others. This emotional exhaustion can significantly increase the risk of burnout.

6. Pessimism: A pessimistic outlook can exacerbate feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, which are central to burnout. Pessimists may perceive their efforts as futile, leading to decreased motivation and increased stress.

7. Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may doubt their abilities and worth, leading them to overcompensate by working harder and longer to prove themselves. This constant need for validation can result in chronic stress and burnout.

WorkPLACE Risk Factors

Christina Maslach’s research has broken down key sources of burnout within the workplace. According to her research, the sources of burnout can be systemic, and categorized into six main areas:

1. Workload

   • Excessive workload is one of the primary contributors to burnout. When the demands of the job exceed a person’s capacity to meet them, it can lead to chronic stress and eventual burnout.

2. Control

   • Lack of control over one's work can lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration. When we feel we have little influence over our tasks, schedules, or work environment, it diminishes our sense of autonomy and increases stress.

3. Reward

   • Inadequate recognition and reward for effort and accomplishments can undermine motivation, leading to feelings of being undervalued and unappreciated.

4. Community

   • Poor relationships and lack of support within the workplace contribute to burnout. A lack of a supportive community can lead to feelings of isolation and conflict, which exacerbate stress and emotional exhaustion.

5. Fairness

   • Perceived inequity and unfair treatment in the workplace can lead to resentment, disengagement, and undermined trust and morale.

6. Values

   • A misalignment between an individual's values and the values of the organization can lead to ethical stress and inner conflict, and eventual dissatisfaction and burnout.

Preventing & addressing Burnout

Preventing burnout requires proactive measures that address both personal habits and workplace culture. By implementing research-informed strategies at both the individual and organizational levels, burnout can be effectively prevented, promoting a healthier and more productive work environment that allows for balance, recognition, and real rest.

BURNOUT PREVENTION & MANAGEMENT ON AN INDIVIDUAL LEVEL

1. Practice Mindfulness and Stress Reduction Techniques Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and yoga, have been shown to reduce stress and enhance emotional regulation, and decrease burnout symptoms in employees.

2. Develop Healthy Work-Life Balance Establishing clear boundaries between work and personal life is crucial. Research suggests that engaging in leisure activities and hobbies outside of work can mitigate burnout. The key is to ensure that time away from work is truly restful and rejuvenating.

3. Foster Social Support Networks Strong social support from family, friends, and colleagues can act as a buffer against stress. Studies indicate that individuals who have robust support networks are less likely to experience burnout. Regularly connecting with supportive people can provide emotional sustenance and practical assistance.

4. Engage in Regular Physical Activity Exercise is a well-documented method for reducing stress and improving mood. Physical activity stimulates the production of endorphins, which are natural mood lifters. Even moderate exercise, such as walking or cycling, can help prevent burnout.

5. Seek Professional Help When Needed Therapy and counseling can provide individuals with the tools to manage stress and burnout effectively.

BURNOUT PREVENTION & MANAGEMENT FOR ORGANIZATIONS

1. Promote a Healthy Work Environment Creating a supportive and healthy work environment is paramount. This includes ensuring adequate lighting, comfortable office spaces, and access to healthy food options. The World Health Organization emphasizes that a healthy work environment can reduce the risk of burnout.

2. Encourage Workload Management Organizations should monitor and manage employee workloads to prevent excessive stress. Implementing flexible work hours and allowing remote work can help employees maintain a better work-life balance. Research shows that employees with manageable workloads are less likely to experience burnout.

3. Provide Professional Development Opportunities Offering opportunities for professional growth and development can keep employees engaged and motivated. This can include training programs, workshops, and career advancement opportunities. Employees who feel valued and see a clear path for career progression are less likely to burn out.

4. Implement Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) EAPs provide employees with access to counseling and support services. These programs can help employees manage personal and professional stressors. Research indicates that EAPs can reduce absenteeism, improve job satisfaction, and decrease burnout.

5. Foster a Culture of Open Communication Encouraging open and honest communication within the organization can help identify and address issues before they lead to burnout. Regular check-ins, feedback sessions, and an open-door policy can create a supportive atmosphere where employees feel heard and valued.

From Burned out to resourced

Burnout is a multifaceted issue that impacts individuals both personally and professionally. Recognizing that burnout arises from a combination of individual vulnerabilities and environmental stressors is crucial. It's not solely about personal resilience; the organizational environment plays a significant role in either exacerbating or alleviating burnout. By acknowledging this, we can better address the root causes and implement effective strategies. Whether through personal self-care routines, organizational changes, or professional support, there are numerous ways to combat burnout and foster a healthier, more productive work-life balance. Addressing both the individual and systemic factors is essential for long-term well-being and job satisfaction.

References

Bakker, A. B., & Demerouti, E. (2017). Job demands-resources theory: Taking stock and looking forward. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 22(3), 273-285. https://doi.org/10.1037/ocp0000056

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.

Bianchi, R., Schonfeld, I. S., & Laurent, E. (2015). Burnout-depression overlap: A review. Clinical Psychology Review, 36, 28-41. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2015.01.004

Hill, A. P., & Curran, T. (2016). Multidimensional perfectionism and burnout: A meta-analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 20(3), 269-288. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868315596286

Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. New York: Hyperion.

Lee, R. T., & Ashforth, B. E. (1996). A meta-analytic examination of the correlates of the three dimensions of job burnout. Journal of Applied Psychology, 81(2), 123-133. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-9010.81.2.123

Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: Recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103-111. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20311

Mayo Clinic. (2021). Job burnout: How to spot it and take action. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/burnout/art-20046642

Schaufeli, W. B., & Bakker, A. B. (2004). Job demands, job resources, and their relationship with burnout and engagement: A multi-sample study. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 25(3), 293-315. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.248

Shirom, A. (2003). Job-related burnout: A review. Handbook of Occupational Health Psychology, 245-264. https://doi.org/10.1037/10474-012

Swider, B. W., & Zimmerman, R. D. (2010). Born to burnout: A meta-analytic path model of personality, job burnout, and work outcomes. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 76(3), 487-506. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jvb.2010.01.003

World Health Organization. (n.d.). Healthy workplaces: a model for action. Retrieved from https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789241599313

Love, Bonding, & Conflict: Understanding Attachment Styles

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

We are wired for connection to others. Relationships can give our lives such meaning, joy, and fulfillment, and help us to meet our emotional, spiritual, intellectual, creative, and physical needs. Yet we are often left bewildered as to why our relationships can cause us such pain - and why we can act in such unhelpful ways in response to conflict with the people we care most about. Attachment theory is an empirically-supported framework that can help shed light on how and why we experience struggle (or peace of mind) within our most important relationships. Understanding the role of our attachment style in our relationships can help relieve of us of the shame and confusion that often comes when we experience unexpected pain and difficulty with our loved ones. It can also offer us a roadmap, pointing us towards what we need, and what we can do, when facing relationship troubles.

Attachment Theory

According to attachment theory, our bonds (attachments) to important people in our lives are influenced by our earliest of relationships – the relationship we had with our parents or caregivers (whomever we felt closely bonded to and were raised by) when we were infants. These are the very first relationships that we experience in life, and are thought to act as our first model of relationship. They shape how we believe relationships work and how we respond to intimacy (as well as the threat of loss of intimacy), thus powerfully affecting how we experience the close relationships that emerge and evolve later throughout our adult lives.

John Bowlby is famously known for developing attachment theory, which posits that there is an evolutionary impetus for the infant’s bond with her parent or caregiver, given the complete reliance on the caregiver for survival. Attachment theory was expanded upon, and provided with further empirical support by Mary Ainsworth, who is known for the Strange Situation Classification studies that she conducted. These studies suggested that based upon how our caregivers responded to us as infants, we develop certain “attachment styles,” or ways of attaching to others and reacting to relationship threat. It was found that infants responded in one out of four possible ways (secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure-ambivalent, and disorganized) when they were separated from and then reunited with their mothers, based on the degree of security they experienced within the relationship.

ATTACHMENT STYLES

Attachment styles are the relational patterns that can explain many of the perplexing ways we act in relationships even as adults. It can be helpful to think of attachment styles as learned cognitive, emotional, and behavioral tendencies that occur within intimate relationships, which are likely the result of exposure to certain environmental conditions (i.e. certain family, caregiver, or parenting behaviors), as well as (possibly) genetic factors, such as the temperament we are born with. Attachment styles also tend to be intergenerational (passed on from generation to generation).

In a nutshell, based on the Strange Situation Test studies, behaviors demonstrated by infants when separated and reunited with their mothers were classified as having the following attachment styles:

• Secure attachment: When their mother was nearby, securely attached infants felt safe and secure enough to explore the novel surroundings and play. When separated, infants demonstrated distress, and when their mother returned, they sought contact with her and were soothed, then resumed play. It was found that securely-attached infants tended to have mothers that were available, responsive and attentive to the infant’s needs, meeting them in an appropriate manner.

• Insecure-ambivalent attachment: When their mother was nearby, insecure-ambivalently attached infants remained in closer proximity to their mothers, and evidenced some levels of distress even before being separated. When separated, these infants demonstrated significant levels of distress. When reunited, infants appeared both ambivalent towards their mother – both upset and angry with her (protesting at her having left), but also anxious about her leaving again in the future. Thus, it took them longer to feel soothed and safe again. Infants with an insecure-ambivalent attachment style tend to have had parents who unpredictably vacillated between being responsive and available, to unavailable, rejecting, or unresponsive. As a result of the unpredictability, the security and safety of the attachment figure and bond is compromised, and infants feel anxious and uncertain about whether or not their needs will be met.

• Insecure-avoidant attachment: When their mother was nearby, insecure-avoidantly attached infants paid little attention to her, and also explored or played in the environment less. When separated from their mother, they evidenced little to no distress. When their mother returned, they tended to ignore or appear unaffected by her presence. They tended to avoid physical contact or find it aversive. It was found that avoidantly attached individuals tended to have mothers who were either predictably unavailable, cold, or rejecting (thus, the infant learned to emotionally distance themselves from the mother in order to cope with distress caused by experiencing their needs as consistently unmet), or mothers who were overly intrusive (causing high levels of distress, causing the infant to distance to regulate a sense of emotional overwhelm). Despite acting unphased by the absence or presence of their mothers, later research found that these infants only outwardly showed no distress, but had increased heart rate and other evidence of internal emotional distress.

• Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment: This fourth level of attachment classification was developed by Mary Ainsworth’s graduate student, Mary Main. During the Strange Situation Test, infants’s responses to their mothers lacked coherence, and were demonstrated in “unorganized” or contradictory ways. Infants might act overtly fearful, confused, dazed, dissociated, or frozen. Infants with disorganized attachment tended to have experienced an inconsistent and dysregulating style of caregiving, including exposure to some form of interpersonal trauma or abuse, that taught the infant that relationships are unsafe. The need and desire to connect and bond with others remains, but closeness and intimacy with others can feel overwhelmingly threatening.

ATTACHMENT STYLES AND RELATIONSHIPS

Similar to infant attachment styles, adult attachment styles are related to the level of predictability in availability, responsiveness, and nurturing we receive from our partners. In adults, attachment styles influence how we may interact with our partners because they act as a lens through which we see and experience relationships, and how safe and secure we assume relationships typically are. Research by Shaver and Hazan supports the notion that we often behave with our adult romantic partners in a similar fashion to how we responded with our caregivers as infants. The four main attachment styles observed in adult relationships are (1) a secure attachment style, (2) anxious-preoccupied attachment style, (3) dismissive-avoidant attachment style, and (4) fearful-avoidant attachment style. People with secure attachment tend to have experienced caregivers who acted in predictable, empathically attuned, supportive, and respectful ways; thus, securely attached adults typically feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness. People with anxious-preoccupied attachment tend to have had caregivers who acted in an unpredictable and inconsistent manner - at times offering love, at times acting distantly or in a rejecting manner, often without warning - thus, anxious-preoccupied adults tend to experience anxiety and preoccupation within their partnerships. People with avoidance-dismissive attachment tend to have experienced caregivers who either acted intrusively (like “helicopter parenting”), or uninterested and aloof; avoidantly attached adults tend prioritize space within relationships, and shut down or detach more easily when they feel threatened or encroached upon. People with fearful/avoidant attachment tend to have had caregivers who were unpredictable, emotionally volatile, and/or abusive; thus, they tend to experience significant emotional dysregulation within their relationships.

Our experience of any intimate, close relationship may be influenced by our attachment style. When it comes romantic relationships, our attachment style is likely to be activated and interact with our partner’s attachment style once we develop a sense of emotional intimacy. The reality is that we will often encounter others in our lives who do not share our attachment style, and at times, our differing attachment styles will themselves become the source of conflict. However, it is important to keep in mind that no attachment style is inherently “right” or “wrong.” Our attachment styles developed as adaptations to the particular demands of the relational environment that we were brought up within. So, in order to improve our ability to practice empathy, understanding, and recognition of differing attachment styles, here is a description that of how it can “feel” to have each attachment style, in the first-person using plain language:

• Secure Adult Attachment: My relationship with myself, and my relationships with others, are often a source of joy and satisfaction. Of course things aren’t perfect, but overall, I feel that my relationships provide me with a firm and solid foundation - they contribute to the sense of stability in my life, and support my personal growth. I know I am connected to those who love me, even when I am not there with them. Periods of separation by time or physical distance feels comfortable because I know and trust that I will be reconnected with my loved ones again within a reasonable time-frame. I also know I am free to be me, able to honor and express who I authentically am, because I know those in my life will consistently respond to me with acceptance, love and respect. I can trust that my boundaries and needs will be honored. Furthermore, I am able to take responsibility and ownership for mistakes and shortcomings because I can trust that my close relationships will remain a safe haven despite my imperfections - I will not be abandoned or abused for messing up. Thus, I can trust in myself, others, and in life. This makes me feel safe enough to freely venture out and pursue what I want out of life.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: I very much want to be in relationships, and crave feeling close to those I care about. The problem is, I can't trust others to be there for me when I need them, at least not consistently. Sometimes I feel more stable when I am not in a relationship. Once I get involved with someone, I can become overly-fixated on my partner, because I can’t stop thinking about or talking about them, especially once I develop feelings. If we aren’t together, this can feel emotionally painful, leaving me feeling incomplete or like something is missing in life. There is a part of me that believes I will be left desperate and alone unless I give all that I am, but I often try to hide this from you, or myself, because the last thing I want is to be considered needy. The reality is, I lose myself in you because on some level, it does feel that without you, I don’t have air I need to breathe. I know what it is like to have been abandoned by others, and by the world, and unfortunately, I have learned to also abandon myself in the service of creating or preventing the loss of connection. This makes it really difficult for me to respect your boundaries and needs for space, as well as my own boundaries. When I perceive space between us, this feels like distance - like disconnection - and it can lead me to panic. Your need to take space can feel personal - like you no longer want me. That’s why I can get angry and act out sometimes, even when you come back. My inner foundation or sense of self can be wobbly and shifting when I am in relationship, because my sense of satisfaction and security depends upon how well I think you are treating me. Often, I do not feel safe unless I'm in your arms, and that makes me feel powerless sometimes because you are not always there, or do not always seem to want to hold me.

• Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment: I consider myself to be a very independent person, and you won’t often (or ever) catch me saying that I need others. I’ve learned to rely on myself, and I’m proud of that. But sometimes I do lose myself in fantasies of what it might like to be with the perfect partner - someone who is like me, who doesn’t have many needs, and who likes to have a lot of personal space! Personal space is of paramount importance, and I’m not always sure why, but I might often think that it is just because I’m independent, and others need too much. However, when I really reflect on my desire for personal space, I might admit that sometimes I get lonely too, or feel disconnected and dissatisfied, but I am not fully certain as to why. Sometimes people have said that I have difficulty letting others in. In my opinion, you must be very special for me to let you in. And maybe I am not letting you in because I feel suffocated when you get too close? The reality is, when others get close to me, there is a part of me that is afraid I might lose myself in your demands for closeness - that I might have to give up who I truly am, or let you “invade” not just my space, but my sense of who I am. I have had others try to invade me before, or completely ignore me - both of those responses taught me to not have needs in relationship, and to take care of myself. So when you push a relationship with me, it feels like you are trying to put your needs on me, while also trying to take "me" away. All the while, I can never give you enough of me - it seems like you truly want me to give you more than I am capable of offering. When you call out my tendency to take space and distance, this feels overwhelming, and also can annoy me - you don’t realize you are pushing me away by not respecting my independence and freedom. When you encroach upon who I am, I will push back against you and then shut down or flee. You will not catch me — I am not willing to compromise my freedom or sense of self to stay connected. I do not truly feel safe in the world, because it feels like it might consume me. I fight back against this part of my reality by always following the path of freedom, or at the very least, fleeing and escaping the world’s grasp before it can catch me.  

• Fearful/Avoidant Attachment: I am not really sure who I am, or how I feel about relationships… especially romantic ones. Relationships are incredibly confusing and disorienting. I feel thrust back and forth between ecstatic heights and devastating lows in relationships. It can be so exhilarating that I crave connection like a drug, but so exhausting and damaging that it can take quite a while to recover. Sometimes I love you (you can seem like to best person in the world to me), sometimes I hate you (because you have hurt or betrayed me, and I can’t trust you anymore) - I tend to live in these extremes - but I’m just as whipped around by these extremes as you are. It is automatic, and it can often make me feel ashamed by how unpredictably I might feel or act towards you. I question what’s wrong with me, and I can be extremely hard on myself (and others). The problem is, I’ve been let down by people in my life, again and again. Opening myself to the connection and love I truly need, has always caused me such disappointment and despair. Others have not treated me well throughout my life. I’ve never had a chance to feel truly safe in relationships with others, and I’ve also never felt safe within the relationship with myself. The world feels unsafe too - there’s a lot of pain and chaos, and often no one to reliably turn towards. This can make life a living hell. I truly want to have better, and do better, I’m just not sure I can have it or deserve it.

What You Can DO

Thus far, we have touched on how each attachment style may act as a different “lens” or way of viewing and experiencing relationships. Relationships either experienced as reliably safe, or not, depending upon the experiences we’ve had with those who played significant roles in our lives. The lens associated with each particular attachment style influences how we perceive our partners, and how we automatically attempt to ensure that relational needs are met. When our attachment style-driven needs clash with those of our partners, it can be incredibly painful and confusing - because each person’s needs are valid, despite being different - yet also, not compatible during the heat of the moment. Partnerships between anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners can be particularly difficult, as each partner’s style of responding to conflict (pursuit of closeness, avoidance of closeness, respectively) can further activate distress and problematic responding in the other.

When we think that our needs may not be met in our partnerships, we may blame our partner for being unable to meet these needs, and then double-down with whatever behavior our attachment style encourages us to lose ourselves in. Rarely does this lead to a successful outcome. Rather than blaming our partner for being unable to meet our needs, it can be helpful to view the our attachment styles as out of sync. Learn to see that the problem as “being out of sync,” not your partner. If you or your partner do not have a secure attachment style, this will be particularly important (and also challenging). The good news is that attachment styles don’t have to determine our relationship-patterns for the rest of our lives. It is possible for them to change if we are exposed to other relational models throughout our life (such as being in a relationship with a securely-attached person), or if we commit to developing a more secure attachment style ourselves within the context of therapy or another safe place that assists us in completing this kind of inner personal work. If we do not commit to learning about, and practicing the adoption of a more securely attached way of relating to our partners or other close loved ones, typically, these relational-models will continue to operate in our lives unchanged, and potentially indefinitely hijack our relationship experiences.

In my work with clients, understanding the role of attachment in our relationships can be an incredibly important first step towards reducing blame and judgment towards themselves or their partner. It is no one’s fault that they have a particular attachment style, but learning how to meet the needs of that particular attachment style, and more accurately understand and assess the needs of their partner, can be invaluable. With the development of self-awareness and a lot of intentional practice, we can learn how to move into a more securely attached style of relating to one another. In a sense, it is important not only to establish secure bonding with loved ones, but also with ourselves. Ultimately, we can feel more grounded, open, and receptive to love if we have established a secure base of consistently loving, warm, and supportive attention that we have learned to direct towards ourselves.

FURTHER READING

If you are interested in learning more about attachment styles, here are a few books that you may consider reading:

“Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

“Attachment Theory Workbook: Why is your attachment type impacting upon your happiness in relationships? Discover how to identify who is right for you and help to heal your wounds.” by David Lawson, PhD

“The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools to Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, and Build Lasting Relationships” by Annie Chen, LMFT

“Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Susan Johnson, EdD

REFERENCES

Ainsworth, M. S. (1979). Infant–mother attachment. American psychologist, 34(10), 932.

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Psychology Press.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model. Journal of personality and social psychology, 61(2), 226.

Bowlby, J., Fry, M., Ainsworth, M. D. S., & World Health Organization. (1965). Child care and the growth of love.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin.

Jones, J. D., Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2015). Parents’ self-reported attachment styles: A review of links with parenting behaviors, emotions, and cognitions. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(1), 44-76.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281.

Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. (1987) `Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process', Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52: 511-524.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown.

Your Feelings Are Here For A Reason

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

There are multiple theories about what emotions are, and why we have them. Whether or not we have full certainty regarding the nature and purpose of human emotion, they without a doubt continuously color our daily lives, creating a rich tapestry of felt experience. Sometimes dully present in the background, and at other times potently grabbing our attention, without them, there is no doubt that the human experience would be dramatically different. Without them, human beings may not exist.

The Purpose of Emotions: An Evolutionary Perspective

It can be helpful to think of emotions as signals that alert us (and others) to what we might need in that moment. Emotions are much more complex than just that, of course (for example, psychologists commonly understand emotions as cognitive, affective, and physiological changes, as well as behavioral urges). However, it is thought by evolutionary psychologists that emotions serve an important function or purpose that has helped keep human beings alive: they help organize and motivate behavior based on the demands of the environment or situation. Emotions act as signals because they direct our attention to important information about the state of our inner and outer environment, and automatically create an impulse to respond in a way that is intended to ensure our basic survival needs are met.

The Purpose of Pleasure & Pain

How exactly do emotions guide us? To better understand this, it helps to think about how both pleasure and pain influence us. Pleasure and pain are fundamental and essential aspects of being alive. Generally speaking, pleasure and pain can be both physical and emotional. Physical and emotional pain actually overlap quite a bit because of the way the brain works. 

Usually, pleasure and pain urge us to respond in particular ways when we feel them. Let’s say you touch a hot stove, and feel the searing pain of the hot stove on your fingertip. The physical pain will almost certainly prompt you to immediately remove your finger from the stovetop as quickly as possible to stop or reduce the pain. Generally, when something is painful, we are powerfully driven to stop or get rid of the pain by escaping whatever might be causing it. Usually physical pain is caused by physical damage or danger to the integrity of the organism. As you and I well know, physical pain is a powerful motivator for immediately avoiding or escaping danger. Without physical pain, we may continue to expose ourselves to harmful or life-threatening situations.

Conversely, physical pleasure guides us to pursue more of whatever is the source of our pleasure. We are naturally reinforced for engaging in certain behaviors that feel physically pleasurable, and that often meet important base-level survival needs. For example, we are drawn to foods that are filled with energy-dense sugars and fats, sex that leads to procreation, and temperate and comfortable environments that are gentle on our bodies and abundant in necessary resources.

Avoidance and Approach Behaviors

In many ways, emotional pleasure and pain can be thought of as serving a similar evolutionary function to physical pleasure and pain. Similar to physical pain or pleasure, pleasant and unpleasant emotions often urge us to engage in variations of “avoidance” or “approach” behaviors that guide us towards safety and away from possible harm.

In other words, “negative” or unpleasant emotions tend to naturally urge us to avoid or escape whatever might be causing them; if we feel emotionally uncomfortable, we want to get rid of that discomfort or avoid experiencing it again in the future, and we take actions to do so. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense, because if “bad” feelings come up in us when something potentially dangerous or harmful happens, we will naturally be motivated to get away from that harmful stimulus.

For our primal ancestors, events that caused them to feel emotionally “bad” or distressed typically could or would quite literally hurt or kill them if not avoided or escaped. Imagine how it would feel to have to contend with lions, tigers, snakes, bears, wolves, or other frightening predators. Likely, you would feel a mixture of very unpleasant and intense emotions, such as panic or fear, or maybe even anger, that would pretty immediately urge you to run away and escape, or to aggressively fight back. You likely would not have to think twice about it – you would automatically and immediately engage in these avoid and escape survival behaviors. And thank goodness for emotional and behavioral responses such as these.

On the flip side, “positive” or pleasant emotions tend to naturally urge us to approach, or move towards, the situations that we experience pleasurable feelings from. Human beings are often very strongly motivated to feel “good” or “happy.” Positive emotions powerfully urge us to engage in certain behaviors, and they also reinforce whatever actions we engage in that lead us to feel emotional pleasure. Typically, positive emotions tend to lead us to engage in “approach” type behaviors, which means that we approach, or seek more of, the stimulus or situation that caused us to feel positively. If something makes us feel good (or great!) we tend to try to do things that will increase the amount of pleasure or good feelings we are having in that moment, or that will recreate the experience again in the future. This also makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, as things that give us pleasure or feel good often may signal to us that our basic needs may be met. For example, the experience of falling in love is usually an intense emotion that feels incredible and ecstatic, and leads us trying to secure the time and attention of the person who is the focus of our affection. We are social animals, and positive emotions that come from relationship help motivate us to stay connected. This has a survival advantage, because when we are on our own (especially thousands of years ago), human beings don’t stand as good of a chance of surviving potential threats.

Emotions in today’s world

It’s quite clear that the world that we live in today is radically different from that of our primal ancestors’. Our modern-day dangers, like the loss of a job or home, being bullied, excessive demands from school or work, car accidents, arguments with friends, or family discord, require us to respond differently than we would to a predator. However, when we encounter these modern-day stressors, our automatic physiological and emotional responses often occur in a similar fashion to how they would if we encountered primal threats to our survival - as if our lives are in danger. The “fight, flight, or freeze” response, which was is an emotionally-driven response intended to protect us from death, can be activated even when we have a disagreement with a friend. Thus, in today’s world, it is quite often the case that our instinctual emotional responses do not fully align with the more actual needs of the modern-day situations we encounter, which are typically much more nuanced (and less likely to be characterized by true danger of death). Every human being has experienced emotions that do not match the needs of the situation. There is nothing wrong with you (or me) when this occurs - looking at it through an evolutionary lens, it is actually quite natural.

However, despite the natural tendency to experience emotions that may be arise in us more intensely than would necessarily be helpful, it is still our responsibility to learn how to respond to situations (and our emotions) in ways that are healthy and effective - so that we can truly understand and take care of our needs, and build a life that feels satisfying and meaningful. This is no easy task. When emotions burn intensely, and we don’t understand why they are here or what to do with them (or we over-identify with and “become” them), we often engage in reactive, avoidant, or self-destructive behaviors. It makes sense to act on emotionally-driven avoidance urges when they are signaling true danger of death or harm (for example, the panic or fear that causes strong urges to escape, and helps us to immediately jump out of the way of an oncoming car!), but to automatically react to or avoid all painful or uncomfortable emotions will spell trouble. Numbing ourselves with TV, alcohol, food, or dissociation often lead to short-term relief, but more pain and suffering in the long-term. Withdrawing from or escaping the world or those in our lives leads to short-term relief, but more pain and suffering in the long-term. Lashing out or reacting impulsively in response to anger or fear leads to short-term relief, but more pain and suffering in the long-term. You get the point. These automatic, avoidant ways of responding to emotions are be hard to free ourselves from, given our instinctual drive to avoid pain and feel “better” (or at least, not so “bad). But when we take pause, and if we are honest with ourselves, we know our needs are not truly met when we act in these ways - in fact, we often have unintentionally acted in ways that prevent our needs from being met, and further entrench us in our suffering.

What is Needed

We have to learn how to turn towards, understand, tolerate, and eventually accept emotional discomfort in order to intentionally and effectively respond to our needs. Even if our emotions do not seem to fully match the requirements of the situation, I believe that there is almost always something of value that they are pointing our attention towards. We yearn to feel safe, secure, cared for and loved. We yearn to feel valued and worthy. We yearn to know that we belong, and an integral part of something bigger than ourselves. These are often the needs that our emotions are pointing us towards. When these needs are not truly being met (whether that be due to an internal or external cause, or both), we will feel emotional discomfort. And thank goodness for that. Because it is signaling our attention to what matters most to us. When we can learn how to truly attend to our needs, and understand how to work with the signals that come from within, we are in a position of empowerment. We can consciously respond to our lives. This is the practice of a lifetime.

How can we do this? How can we begin to emotions in a more self-supportive way? The first step is to understand that our emotions are here for a reason. They are not our enemies. They serve an important purpose, but understanding how to sit with, and listen to them, is key. If we are fearful of our emotions, or do everything we can to remove or distance ourselves from our uncomfortable emotions, it is incredibly difficult to learn from our life experiences, or to deepen our understanding of what is truly needed in our most vulnerable, painful moments. We miss an opportunity to learn about ourselves. But when we are no longer afraid of what comes from within - when we can begin to better understand and make peace with our emotional “signals” - we can learn how to attend to the needs that our emotions are truly a reflection of. It is our responsibility to ourselves, and to others, to learn how to soothe and care for ourselves in the ways that matter most. Remember, we all want to feel safe, loved, and at peace. Ask yourself, what will truly bring more of what you deeply need into your life? How can you offer yourself a safe, loving presence, while you feel scared, hurt, sad, alone, or angry? What will care for the needs of your body, mind, and heart, in ways that are tender and self-loving? In ways that do not cause you additional harm, or cause you to feel “stuck” in suffering? It is okay if the answers to these questions do not come easily to you. You are not alone in that. These are skills that we need to learn - and that many of us were never taught - these are the emotion regulation and inner-parenting skills that require guidance, repetition and tremendous patience, as there will be many missteps and falling back into old, pain-avoidant or reactive ways. But the path of making peace with our emotions, better navigating our inner world, and ultimately making peace with ourselves, is so very, very worthwhile. When we have learned how to truly care for ourselves, others, and our planet, perhaps then, we have entered into the next stage of evolution in our experience of human emotion.

Quick Reference Guide for Dealing with Fear, Anxiety, & Uncertainty

Written & Created by Lauren Helm, PhD

Wondering how to best respond to difficult emotions like fear, anxiety, and uncertainty? This guide summarizes a cognitive-behavioral approach to identifying and responding to challenging emotions. To engage in healthy emotion regulation, it helps to identify, label, and rate your emotions, check the accuracy of emotion-driven thoughts, avoid problematic emotion-driven behaviors, and engage in effective, values-driven action. Work with a qualified therapist who can help you implement these strategies and build a life that matters to you. If you'd like, feel free to save this guide for future reference, or share with your friends or loved ones.

The Most Important & Difficult Thing To Do: Learning to Love & Accept Yourself

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

Take a moment to pause and reflect on the relationship that you have with yourself. What is it like? My relationship with myself is.....

So many of us have difficulty answering this question because we are not even sure what it means. It may be the first the time that we’ve even recognized that we do, indeed, have a relationship with ourselves, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. We have had this relationship with ourselves since we were young children, and it has continued to evolve throughout our lives. However, as opposed to many other relationships that come and go, this relationship is here to stay whether we like it or not, and has the power to influence our lives like no other relationship may.

We are often powerfully affected when others respond to us with kindness, love, or acceptance, which can foster a fundamental sense of trust and safety in being who we are. We can be just as powerfully affected when others who play significant roles in our lives respond to us with harshness, criticism, judgment or condemnation, making relationships feel unsafe - the source of emotional pain. The ways that others respond to us (and we to them) have great power in affecting how we experience relationships in general. Consider, now, how you typically respond to yourself? In times of happiness or sadness, how do you relate to yourself and your experiences (your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviors)? Is it a supportive stance characterized by gentleness, soothing, understanding, and deep trust?

So often we automatically and in subtle (or not so subtle ways) respond to ourselves in times of pain in a cold, rejecting manner. We can even punish ourselves for feeling pain, for “being weak.” In times of success, accomplishment, or celebration, we might even block ourselves from fully opening to natural happiness or joy, perhaps because in the back of our minds lurks an insidious doubt or lack of trust in our deserving of success, or our ability to tolerate the possible loss of the happiness that we have worked so hard to “earn.”

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it so common to become our own biggest critic, so often undermining ourselves in the name of self-betterment? It is startling to come to a full realization of just how “normal” it is to engage in self-deprecation or of pointing out the validity of our flaws…whereas, if we were to do this in a relationship with another, we would (rightly so) consider this to be emotional abuse.

The relationship with self has been the subject of growing interest. Psychologists have begun to explore why it is so common to treat ourselves so harshly, and what we can do to shift into a more authentic, resilient, strong, and nourishing stance towards ourselves. Fortunately, psychological research is demonstrating that not only does our relationship with ourselves affect our well-being, it can also be healed and strengthened. You can learn to become your own greatest resource, cultivating a radically different relationship with the very valuable, authentic YOU.

Shame & Self-Criticism

Usually, the quality of our relationship with ourselves is undermined by shame and self-criticism, which go hand-in-hand and play an insidious role in our lives. Shame results from a global negative evaluation of one's self-worth, resulting in a cascade of associated cognitive, emotional, and behavioral experiences characterized by painful self-hatred or self-loathing. Shame is typically born from the belief that "I am bad" (or worthless, defective, unloveable, etc.), a conclusion that we often arrive at, in some form or another, during early childhood, when believe that we are quite literally the center of the universe, and that "good" or "bad" things happen in our lives because of US (e.g. "A bad thing happened, it must have happened because of me...therefore I must be bad."). It is also not uncommon to have also been literally told that we were "bad" in some way or another (e.g. "you are being so bad today, stop that!") by important figures in our lives, and (unintentionally or not) sent the message that we will only be loved and accepted for being "good." When these messages are repeatedly received, they are internalized, and set the stage for learning that love and acceptance are conditional based on who we are, and easily lost if we are not who others want us to be. In reality, we all make mistakes, and mess up, and this in no way means that we are fundamentally flawed, defective, or that we are unloveable. However, when we feel shame, however, it truly feels like we messed up because there is something deeply wrong with who we are. Self-criticism (or the "inner critic") then becomes the brain's attempt at trying to "fix" what is "wrong" with us, in order to avoid being fundamentally rejected or disowned by others, but ultimately leaves us feeling beaten down, and more miserable and isolated, because we are essentially rejecting ourselves. Depending upon our later relational experiences, the modeling of others, and society's unrealistic messages about who we should be, shame and self-criticism may continue to be reinforced, become more embedded, and more fully invade our sense of self. The hurt and shamed inner-child within us is typically carried forward into our adult lives, perhaps hidden underground beneath our conscious awareness, but still powerfully affecting how we lead our lives and whether we feel safe enough to show up (or not) fully as ourselves.

Self-Validation 

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” – Brene Brown 

How do we begin reversing the damage that entrenched shame and self-criticism can cause? We can start by practicing self-validation. Self-validation is all about acknowledging and making sense of your experience. To state that something is “valid” does not mean that it is “right” or “justified.” Validation is not about judging or evaluating ourselves or our experiences. Validation is simply about recognizing that our experiences, on some level, make sense. There is a logical reason that things have come to be the way that they have if we consider the larger picture. Even more intense emotions that others may deem “excessive” or “inappropriate” are valid; it makes sense that you are feeling the way that you are because of many intertwining factors that have caused things to be the way that they are (your history and past experiences, the current conditions, current coping skills, beliefs, etc all lead to the events that occur). 

This does not mean that we should or shouldn’t change our experience (“should’s” and “oughts” are judgments that imply the superiority or inferiority of whatever is judged). Dr. Linehan asserts that all emotions are valid (not necessarily justified or condoned), but that this has nothing to do with whether or not acting on the emotion is effective, or whether the intensity of the emotion matches the facts of the situation. Acknowledging our emotions (even those we believe are “overreactions”) is a vastly important prerequisite for change. When we make sense of our emotions (as opposed to denying, resisting, or struggling with them), and acknowledge how it is that they have come to be, we also can validate that WE make sense. 

Why is this important? So many of us grow up or live in invalidating environments – environments that send us the message that what we naturally feel and who we are doesn’t make sense in some way. This is invalidation – being told that your authentic way of being and experiencing the world is wrong in some way. 

When we receive the message that there is something “wrong” with who we naturally are, it can be extremely painful and confusing, leading to a growing distrust of our own experiences and ourselves. We often (consciously or unconsciously) come to the conclusion that there is something fundamentally wrong with us, and thus, we need to change who we are. 

It typically feels awful to believe that you don’t make sense, that you are “crazy” for feeling a certain way, or can’t trust your own experiences. Sometimes we run away from believing that there is something “wrong” with us by chasing an idea of perfection, in the hopes that one day we will be wholly acceptable, loved, and “make sense.” As many know, trying to run away from who we truly are is a never-ending battle that often creates significant pain and suffering.

Because so many of us learn that who we are does not “make sense” or is in some way “wrong,” we begin to develop a self-invalidating relationship with ourselves. It is not too surprising, then, that an “inner critic” appears to grow within and take on a life of its own.

Self-Compassion

The “inner critic” and its counterpart, self-compassion, have been extensively researched by Dr. Kristin Neff, a research psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Neff has done a great deal of work to bring the concept of self-compassion to the Western psychological field. A rapidly growing body of research is discovering just how key self-compassion is to our well-being, and may be the antidote to the musings of the inner self-critic. Dr. Neff breaks down self-compassion into three core components: 

• Self-Kindness: Self-kindness refers to the ability to be gentle or kind with oneself during suffering, as opposed to Self-Judgment, which is the tendency to be harsh or critical towards oneself.
• Common Humanity: Common humanity refers to the recognition that we are united in our suffering – all human beings experience pain, and this is actually something that connects us. This is the opposite of what she terms Isolation, which is when we feel very isolated or alone in our pain, perhaps believing that we are the only one to be going through this painful experience while most others are happy.
• Mindfulness: Mindfulness refers to the ability to be aware of and allowing of emotions, as opposed to Over-Identification, which is when we fixate on, overly-identify with, or “grab onto” negative emotional states. 

The seeds of self-compassion can be planted and cultivated in our lives, “combating” the harsh or invalidating fashion that may currently characterize the way we currently relate towards ourselves (often based on past conditioning as mentioned above). Dr. Neff provides free meditations and self-compassion exercises for just that purpose. Learning how to effectively self-soothe and fully embrace yourself through the up’s and down’s of life is an invaluable skill. It can be likened to building a steady foundation upon which you can rest when things get rough, and a launching pad from which to leap when you are ready to soar.

Researchers are currently investigating the specific ways that self-compassion interventions affect us. Though more research is needed, what is being discovered is that when we adopt a more accepting, compassionate response towards ourselves (as opposed to a harsh, unrelenting stance), we are able to perform better (yes, we actually achieve more when we are kind to ourselves versus harsh towards ourselves!) and are more psychologically resilient in many regards. Building the ability to generate and direct a compassionate, warm, soothing stance towards ourselves may also help to regulate our threat-detection system. Paul Gilbert proposes that a compassionate, soothing, and affiliative stance towards oneself improves an individual’s ability to regulate difficult or threat-based emotions. Self-directed compassion is thought to reduce sensitivity to threat and also improve the individual’s ability to access, tolerate, and effectively express emotions by creating a sense of safety, as opposed to reactively or avoidantly responding to distress (Gilbert, 2013; Gilbert & Procter, 2006). We can learn how to be a resource for ourselves, better able to soothe and regulate painful emotions, and thus be able to more effectively manage the tasks of living. 

Ultimately, when the “inner critic” takes a backseat, and we listen instead to the inner “compassionate friend,” we free ourselves up from the draining, undermining nature of self-criticism. We also can begin to learn to trust ourselves again – learning, on a deep, experiential level that we CAN make it through life’s challenges. We can be our own greatest resource by learning to provide ourselves with the comfort and loving acceptance that all human beings long for.

Vulnerability & Authenticity

"The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination" (Rogers, 1967, p. 187).

Establishing a deep sense of trust in yourself in no easy task, and shame creates unseen hurdles along the way. Importantly, shame is an emotion that differs from guilt. Whereas guilt is a feeling that arises from perceiving that you did something bad, shame is a feeling that YOU are fundamentally bad. All of us experience shame in various ways and to differing degrees. Shame often provokes us to hide from ourselves; to “omit” or remove aspects of ourselves that we believe are unworthy and unacceptable. This “disconnecting” from parts of ourselves can be thought of as akin to putting a blindfold on, or even more extreme, trying to cut off a major limb because we judged this limb as being undesirable or “bad.” This approach usually does not serve us very well, and just makes things more painful and challenging in the long run.

Attempting to hide from ourselves creates a major disconnect. If we are not truly in touch with the fullness of who we really are (ALL of the “good” and the “bad,” who we really are vs. who we think we “ought” to be), how can we have a solid, healthy relationship with ourselves? How can we be self-aware enough to connect with a sense of wholeness, if we are hiding from ourselves on some level? Trusting in yourself can be thought of as rooted in self-awareness (for example, fully owning what your true preferences and dislikes are, what your strengths and what areas you are still developing and growing in, what you really want for yourself versus what you believe others think you should do, etc). How can you really rely on and believe in yourself to navigate life effectively when you cannot really see who you are with clarity?

A commitment to authenticity, daring to be freely and truly YOU (all of who you are, exactly as you are, imperfections and all), can be quite a liberating experience. It can also be excruciatingly vulnerable. When we are authentic, and truly open to who we are, it can feel vulnerable and as though we are “exposed.” There is no hiding ourselves away as a form of self-protection. 

Dr. Brené Brown discusses her theory about the power of vulnerability and authenticity, along with what she calls “Wholehearted Living,” in her famous TED talk. Her research led her to discover that shame was one of the strongest barriers to vulnerability and authenticity, and short-circuited fulfilled and connected living.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Dr. Carl Rogers

Radical Acceptance

How can we successfully open to authentic, whole-hearted living? Radical acceptance of the self may be an option. In her book, Dr. Brach discusses the power of radically accepting oneself. Self-worth is no longer contingent upon the ways that we often define ourselves (such as our relationships, roles, achievements, etc.). It is a radical letting go of judgment of ourselves, and a practice of recognizing our inherent worth – just as we are in this moment. For many of us, that truly is a radical idea. 

This does not mean that we give up on growing and developing – on the contrary, this level of self-acceptance supports us in being fully who we are and want to be. It is like allowing yourself to finally take a deep breath of relief, knowing that you can release any self-protective masks or defenses that have long weighed you down – and that even without these layers of protection – on a truly fundamental level, you will be okay. In fact, you may experience being freer and more alive than ever before, connecting with what is truly vital and meaningful to you.

Righting Your Relationship with You

When we can rest in a deep knowing of our own self-worth, trustworthiness, and resilience, we are free to explore life in an entirely different way. Ultimately, trying to force yourself to be other than who you truly are, and beating yourself up when you are not who you think you “should be,” can dramatically drain and wear you down. Vitality naturally comes from connectedness. Why not make a commitment to connect with yourself in a radically different way today? It is essential to remember that this is a process, and by no means occurs overnight. Each moment is an opportunity to practice awareness and acceptance of yourself, or to judge and reject yourself. Treat yourself as you imagine your closest friend or loved one would want to be treated, and you may be amazed at the results.

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

Resources:

http://self-compassion.org

http://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/index.htm

http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org

http://brenebrown.com

http://www.tarabrach.com

References

Brach, T. (2004). Radical acceptance. Bantam.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Penguin.

Brown, B. (2013). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.

Gilbert, P., & Irons, C. (2005). Focused therapies and compassionate mind training for shame and self-attacking. Compassion: Conceptualisations, research and use in psychotherapy, 263-325.

Linehan, M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and identity, 2(2), 85-101.

Rogers, C. R., Stevens, B., Gendlin, E. T., Shlien, J. M., & Van Dusen, W. (1967). Person to person: The problem of being human: A new trend in psychology. Lafayette, CA: Real People Press.

Blog edited and reposted from original post on Center for Stress and Anxiety Management Website

Stress & Anxiety In The Tech Industry

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

"More than three-fourths who say stress interferes with their work say it carries over to their personal life..." - ADAA Workplace Stress & Anxiety Disorders Survey

Working in the tech industry can exceptionally rewarding and exciting, offering employees the opportunity to engage in challenging, creative, and meaningful projects, while also receiving great pay, benefits, and perks. The tech industry is known for valuing innovation, creative problem-solving, and the development of products that can have a huge impact on our daily living. Flexible work schedules, remote working options, and investment in employee professional development and self-care (free food and drinks, yoga, and meditation rooms!) are now the norm for many employees in the tech industry. The emphasis on taking care of employees’ needs has been a positive outcome that was driven in part to draw in talent, prevent turnover, and improve productivity. Despite the tech industry's emphasis on treating employees well, those that work in tech are not immune to other aspects of the tech world that create conditions ripe for high stress and anxiety. Although not true of every tech company, many tech industry employees face pressure to work long hours, be consistently productive, play multiple roles, and meet urgent or unpredictable deadlines. Unfortunately, anxiety and stress in tech is commonplace, but not often openly discussed. However, it is nearly impossible to ignore the impact of workplace stress because it bleeds into so many other important areas of our lives, affecting our energy, relationships, play, financial security, self-care. and sense of satisfaction or purpose in life.

Understanding Work Stress

What makes a job stressful? Generally, job stress is thought to be a result of an interaction between the employee and the working conditions. In other words, certain people will be more stressed by certain jobs. Sometimes our personality or coping style is not be a good fit for the demands of a particular type of job. Some people thrive in fast-paced settings, and others are worn down by them. When the job is not a good fit for someone, job stress is likely to occur.

Though unique employee characteristics often affect a person’s sense of stress in the workplace, for most people, feeling overtaxed, overworked, and minimally supported are universal recipes for increased job stress. Other sources of job stress may be certain workplace conditions that lead to stress, as identified by the CDC’s National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (see NIOSH job stress article here), including the design of tasks (i.e. workload, breaks, length of workdays, tasks that don’t having meaning or provide a sense of control), management style (i.e. poor communication, not involving employees in decision-making), interpersonal relationships (i.e. lack of support from coworkers or supervisors, conflict with coworkers), work roles (i.e. unclear expectations or too many job responsibilities), career concerns (i.e. job insecurity, no room for growth), and environmental conditions (i.e. potentially dangerous working conditions, including crowding, noise, pollution, ergonomic problems). Universal psychological factors discussed in this APA blog that often lead to job stress include a sense of powerlessness and traumatic events that occur while on the job.

Stress in the Tech industry & Start-Up Culture

Those who work in the tech industry or in start-ups often face anxiety-provoking work environments on a daily basis, dealing with fast-paced and high-pressure environments that demand significant and sometimes unforgiving amounts of flexibility, creativity, and productivity. It can feel like life is being consumed by work, instead of being supported by it. Larger tech companies may leave employees feeling overworked and undervalued, like a "cog in a wheel," despite the significant time and effort they sacrifice in the service of the company. Start-ups may feel chaotic, unpredictable, and disorganized. Although employees may be expected to take on multiple roles, and projects require urgent attention, there may be poor guidance and communication, leaving employees frustrated and confused. Irregular sleep schedules and social isolation deplete needed inner resources for coping. All of these conditions are a recipe for chronic stress, anxiety, and depression, exacerbated by a culture of silence around mental health that deprives employees of much needed support and time for self-care.

Coping with a Stress at Work

Ultimately, stress both inside and outside of the workplace can have a significant impact on our ability to thrive. Selecting the most supportive work environment possible, and learning how to effectively manage stress, can potentially tremendously impact not only psychological and physical well-being, but work-performance and success as well. However, whether you work in tech or not, it is not always be possible to work at a job that is a good fit for your personality or needs. If you struggle with chronic stress or anxiety as a result, know that you don't have to suffer in silence or alone. Getting support is crucial: whether it be from friends, family, support groups, or a therapist you trust. Additionally, coping with the day to day stress as best you can with healthy strategies can help. Here are a few tips for coping with the often unavoidable work-related stress:

• Use a planner or calendar system to keep track of your schedule of activities: Although we often use multiple online, paper, or smartphone calendar systems, try to stick with just one (or two, if necessary) calendar or planner so that keeping track of your schedule doesn't become too complicated. For some, using a web-based calendar that can be easily updated and has automated to-do reminders integrated in is most effective, for others, using a paper-and-pencil weekly planner is more intuitive and intrinsically rewarding. Find a system that seems clear and easy to follow, and reference your planner regularly. This saves cognitive energy, because you don't have to hold everything you need to do in memory, and you can free up your attention to what needs to be attended to in the moment. Track work-related obligations and make sure to block off time in your schedule after work for valued-activities, self-care, friends/family, exercise, healthy eating, relaxation, and fun!

• Try to avoid over-scheduling your work day (if possible) and home life: Regular use of time-management skills is often essential for maintaining healthy work/life balance when you work at a high-pressure workplace. If you have the ability to go home during a set time, do your best to follow that consistently. Depending on your unique situation, it may be helpful to avoid long hours in the workplace at the expense of other important aspects of your life, such as your physical health, relationships with friends or family, or time spent on hobbies or passions. Ask yourself: Am I working to live, or living to work? Can work be a part of my life, not all my life?

• Try to create a separation between your work day and personal life in whatever way is feasible. The line between work and home life does not need to be rigid. Although healthy boundaries that separate work and home life can be difficult to create with the quickly changing landscape of the tech industry, they may prevent you from carrying the stress of work home, and give you the opportunity to experience restoration by focusing on rest, relaxation, and play.

• Allow yourself time to decompress and unwind after work: If you live with other people, it might be helpful to take 15-30 minutes to yourself to rebalance after a hectic workday before interacting so that you can prevent spill-over stress (so often we get into arguments because we are worn thin from a bad day at work). Try to let your loved ones know in advance that you taking this time is nothing personal, this is just a needed self-care routine and that allows you to be more refreshed and connected afterwards. Practice activities that help you release the tension of work as much as possible, whether it is a hot bath, a walk of silence in nature, listening to music, engaging in aerobic exercise, riding your bike, meditating, or journaling about your day.

• Make sure to take your workday breaks. For some, it can be tempting to skip or shorten lunch or other work breaks to make sure you finish that important project on time. However, try to prioritize breaks just as you would any other work requirement. Your mental health and well-being is critical for sustained effort and attention. Try to use your breaks to do non-work related activities - think of it as "you" time. Use the time to hang out with coworkers, to exercise your body, or to practice stress-management activities outlined below. If your job offers you self-care based-perks, make sure to take advantage of them to help you to refresh and restore.

• Use stress-management & relaxation techniques throughout your day. During every opportunity that you can (e.g. allowed work breaks), practice relaxation and stress-management techniques to care for your body and mind. Exercise is a stress-management activity that can help discharge the physiological buildup of energy from anxiety or frustration, or energize and activate your mind during mental slumps or brain fog. Take the opportunity to walk (outside, if possible) during a break. Practice slow, diaphragmatic breathing at about 6 breaths per minute (5 second inhale, 5 second exhale) for 5 minutes to create physiological balance. Do gentle stretching after sedentary periods. Use a mindfulness app to help guide you through a 5-mintue meditation break. Use a creative outlet using a doodle book. Pay attention to whatever nourishes and restores you.

• Remember that you can't be perfect, and that's okay. True perfection isn't possible. A fear of failure often underlies the drive for perfection, but "failure" is often a necessary ingredient for learning and growth within multiple contexts of our lives, including our jobs. Try to remember that everyone you work with, including your boss or CEO, is imperfect, even if they do not show it. On a practical level, If you find that your job description and what you are actually doing in the workplace consistently don't match up, it might be worthwhile consult with someone about whether to talk about this with your employer to clarify expectations and brainstorm ways of addressing the discrepancy, so that both your and the organization's needs are better met.

• Speak up about the importance of mental health: Mental health stigma is a powerful oppressive force, often leading us to hide our emotional pain, and feel isolated and alone in our suffering. The reality is, approximately 1 in 5 individuals experiences mental illness within a given year. Anxiety and depression are much more common than most people think. Cultural myths that anxiety or depression are signs of "weakness" can be especially prevalent in certain industries. Stigma perpetuates shame and fear of judgment, creating a cycle of silence and suffering that prevents many from seeking needed support. Avoid shaming others who appear struggling. Invite open, accepting dialogue, recognizing that we are all human, and we all struggle.

• Get support.

  • Open Sourcing Mental Illness (OSMI) is a non-profit devoted to spreading mental health awareness, education, and resources within the tech industry.

  • Check out Startups Anonymous, a forum devoted to providing anonymous and positive feedback for those struggling in the tech industry.

  • Prompt is an initiative started by members of the tech industry to start more conversation about mental health in tech.

  • You might search for online or in-person support groups near you.

  • Receive support by opening up with trusted family members or friends.

  • Consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist or counselor to receive additional support, especially if anxiety or depression starts to pervade your life.

  • Talkspace is a subscription-based app to talk to therapists and counselors via text and video chat.

Know that you are not alone, and there is help available.

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

References

Sauter, S., Murphy, L., Colligan, M., Swanson, N., Hurrell, J., Scharf, F., Sinclair, R., Grubb, P., Goldenhar, L., Alterman, T., Johnston, J., Hamilton, A., Tisdale, J. (1999) Stress...at work. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/niosh/docs/99-101/

Miller, L. & Smith, A. Stress in the workplace. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/workplace-stress.aspx

Weiss, S. & Molitor, N. Mind/body health: Job stress. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/job-stress.aspx

Mindfulness: A Path Towards Well-Being

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

“Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated than that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it.”

— Sylvia Boorstein

Automatic Pilot & Reactivity

What guides you in deciding how to act from moment-to-moment, and day-to-day?  When you come to a fork in the road, how do you decide which direction to go?

It is easy to go through the motions of our day without conscious awareness, paying little attention to why we are doing what we are doing, and what is happening around us. We go through routines so automatically that it is not uncommon to wonder where the time went, feeling almost as though we were not really there. Have you ever driven somewhere, only to realize once you’ve arrived that you barely remember driving at all?

So much of what we do happens on automatic-pilot. The automatization of cognitive, emotional, and behavioral patterns is the brain's way of conserving valuable and finite cognitive resources. When we repeatedly do a behavior over and over again, automaticity tends to develop, and when we overlearn a helpful skill, we are aided in more efficiently and effectively navigating a complex, ever-changing world. Without the automaticity of the habits we develop, simple tasks would take inordinate amounts of concentration, energy, effort, and time. We would have little time and energy left to invest in weighty, complex tasks, and it would likely be very difficult to survive, let alone thrive.

The downside of automaticity is that it is also characterized by little awareness, intentionality, and controllability (Bargh, 1994). When we act with little awareness, intention, or control, this is typically not a recipe for success in difficult or challenging situations that require us to respond with care, precision or finesse. Automatic responding is often reflexive, reactive, impulsive or careless. Everyone acts reactively at times, whether it is by reactively lashing out at a loved one after a stressful day at work, or distractedly overlooking important details on a project, or missing a turn on the way home from work.

Automatic pilot is a habitual way of responding, and when much of our life is lived reactively, we can be robbed of the fullness of life that we desire, because we are disconnected from the present moment - we are not fully attending to what is happening right here and now.

Moving Towards Mindfulness

Although we are rarely are fully connected with the present moment, mindfulness can help bring us back to the “now.” When we are more fully present in the moment, we can make mindful decisions, and take intentional, grounded action. We can connect with the fullness of life (good and bad) that is offered to us in each passing moment.

But what is mindfulness, really? Mindfulness is a concept that originated in Buddhist philosophy thousands of years ago. Recently, mindfulness has been growing in popularity within the West and has become the focus of a growing body of research, which has found that mindfulness-based interventions appear to powerfully promote psychological resilience and well-being. Jon Kabat-Zinn, who started the widely-researched Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program, has coined one of the most commonly used definitions of mindfulness in the psychological field: 

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”

— Jon Kabat-Zinn

In breaking Kabat-Zinn's definition down, we can see that mindfulness has three major components, all related to how we pay attention. Our attention is what we use to observe and participate in life experiences. When we are mindful, our attention is:

1.    Intentionally or consciously focused (as opposed to unconsciously or mindlessly-driven)

2.    Focused on present moment (as opposed to the past or the future)

3.    Nonjudgmental of what we observe (as opposed to judgmental, non-accepting, resistant, or avoidant/reactive)

In other words, mindfulness is not as much about WHAT you are paying attention to, as it is about HOW you are paying attention to it. Mindfulness is about the process, as opposed to the content of your experience. The content of your experience is important, of course. However, mindfulness is about establishing a conscious, nonreactive stance towards the full range of your experiencing of life. It is about changing your relationship with your experience. You become more aware of and open to it, as opposed to shut down or disconnected from it. 

From my personal practice and professional training in mindfulness, I've learned that ultimately, mindfulness is also a way of being. It is a practice of consciously and compassionately “tuning in” to aspects of my present moment experience.  I may choose to widen or narrow my attention, and where to direct it -- whether my attention is finely pointed or expansive, observing inner or outer experience, all will do. Mindfulness is about the quality of my awareness of the moment. It allows me to more directly “experience” the moment in various ways, as I learn to allow and embrace what occurs, as opposed to rigidly attempting evaluate, restrict, or control it. Mindfulness has helped me to reconnect with the power of choice. When I become more fully aware and accepting of what is happening in the moment, I have the ability to more consciously and compassionately choose how to respond, which prevents reactive, ineffective responding, and unnecessary suffering. Mindfulness has lead me to experience more connected interactions with people, places, my career, and sense of purpose. 

Take note that mindfulness is not about getting rid of pain. It is not about just learning to relax, or to reduce stress. Though relaxation is often a side-effect of mindfulness meditation, it is not guaranteed, nor is it the purpose.  Mindfulness is powerful precisely because it changes how you experience difficulty, and teaches you to observe and “sit” with discomfort, instead of avoidantly struggling with discomfort and suffering as a result. Mindfulness is the opposite of avoidance – it is about embrace.  By changing your relationship with emotional or physical pain through being mindful, often, you become more open and receptive, enhancing your relationship with the joys of life as well.

The Psychology of Mindfulness

From a behavioral and psychological standpoint, mindfulness training allows us to alter and shape the way we habitually attend to various internal and external stimuli. It creates shifts in our attentional-patterns or habits in reacting to the environment. We become better able to respond effectively to unpleasant and pleasant stimuli, in part because it prevents a downward spiral of negative emotion (which would be created by perceiving unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations as threatening and therefore distressing). Our capacity to widen our attention and non-reactively respond to perceived of pleasant and unpleasant stimuli in strengthened. When the presence or absence of internal stimuli are no longer judged as threatening or distressing, more of our cognitive and attentional resources can be directed towards responding in more effective ways in accordance with our short and long-term goals. Our behavioral repertoire becomes more varied and flexible, particularly as we are reinforced through the natural consequences of our actions. Essentially, mindfulness can help us to improve our emotion regulation abilities and improve the quality of our lives. 

Mindfulness Meditations & Exercises

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.”

— Jon Kabat-Zinn

There are various types of mindfulness exercises and meditations that can help cultivate a state of mindfulness. Mindfulness is an attentional-control skill, and like any skill, it takes repeated practice for it to become powerful and accessible. To develop the skill of mindfulness, you can practice mindfulness meditations or exercises by focusing your attention intentionally and nonjudgmentally on different aspects of your external and/or internal environment:

Practicing Mindfulness of Your External Environment

Your external environment is what surrounds you - it is whatever is located and/or happening outside of your mind in the here and now (i.e. the room you are in, the chair you are sitting in, the people that surround you, etc.). You are always interacting with the external environment by perceiving and interpreting it with your senses. When you are first starting to learn and hone the skill of mindfulness, it is often helpful to begin by focusing your attention your body's experience of the environment you are in, because it is more concrete, and may help you to root your awareness more fully in your body and become grounded in the moment. You can practice mindfulness meditation that is focused on an aspect of your external environment (i.e. the world around you) that you can perceive with your body's five senses:

• Taste (notice the taste in your mouth, or of a particular food or drink item)
• Touch (notice the feel of air moving into your lungs, the weight and texture of an object in your hand, the temperature of the room, the pressure of your body on the chair, etc.)
• Smell (notice the scent or lack of scent of anything, including flowers, the room, nature, city, etc.)
• Hear (notice the tone, pitch, volume, etc. of sounds in this room, outside, in your body, etc.)
• See (notice the colors, light, patterns, shapes, definition, of objects in this room or outside, etc.)

Practicing Mindfulness of Your Internal Environment

You can also practice mindfulness meditation that is focused on an aspect of your “inner,” private experience. Your internal environment is comprised of whatever is generated internally -- these are our inner reactions that only we can directly observe. It can be difficult to practice a mindful "observer" stance towards our internal experiences, but extremely valuable for promoting psychological resilience, because mindfulness can help us "make space" for and non reactively move through painful internal events. You may practice mindful awareness of: 

• Thoughts (notice the positive or negative valence of the thought; notice whether the thought is a word or image; notice the frequency, duration, intensity of the thought; label the type of thought, etc.)
• Emotions (notice the presence of the emotion in your body, notice the associated urges or impulses, notice the frequency, duration, intensity of the emotion, notice the ebb and flow of emotion, notice thoughts associated with the emotion, etc.)
• Physiological sensations (notice the qualities of the physical sensations such as pain, pleasure, or neutral sensations; notice your relationship with these sensations, notice their frequency, intensity, duration, and ebb and flow, etc.)

Mindfulness may be strengthened through formal (planned) & informal (throughout your day) meditation practice. Informal mindfulness meditation practices may include the practice of mindful awareness throughout the day (e.g. mindfulness of physical sensations while taking a shower, mindfulness of body movements while putting the dishes away, mindful listening while in a conversation with someone close). Formal mindfulness exercises usually are planned exercises, such as mindful meditations that last 10-30 minutes and are practiced during a set time throughout the week. When you are first starting to learn mindfulness, it can be helpful to practice formal mindfulness exercises that are guided by an instructor or guided audio recording so that you can learn the technique. Mindfulness meditation can be quite challenging because it requires us to return our attention to aspects of our experience that we usually dismiss, ignore, or actively want to avoid. However, with regular practice our level of skill improves, and mindfulness becomes a more balanced and psychologically healthy way of relating to our daily lives.

As we come to a close, I'd like to share an example of a commonly taught body-scan mindfulness meditation exercise. This meditation can help you to bring your awareness more fully back into your body, anchoring yourself back in the present moment. You might try making a recording of yourself reading this mindfulness script so that you can listen to the recording to help guide you through the practice.

Body Scan Mindfulness Exercise:

"Begin to gently bring your attention to your body as it sits in the chair in the room. Move your awareness to the parts of your body that are making contact with the chair and floor. Try to cultivate an attitude of openness, and curiosity of your experience, right now. You can approach this as if you have never experienced it before. What does it feel like, where your lower back is pressed against the chair? Feel the surface area, an imagine an outline of the parts of you that are making contact with the chair.

What sensations do you notice? Observe the degree of pressure. Notice the temperature of your skin in this area of your body. Observe any sensations that may be present for you. If there are no sensations, that is okay. Observe that. Your job is only to observe and to notice.

If your mind has wandered to other thoughts or experiences, notice this, and gently bring it back. Now move your attention down to your feet. Notice your feet, imagining your attention is fully exploring them, inside and out. The outlines of your toes, the balls of your feet, your heels. Breathe your awareness into this part of your body.

Just notice this part of your body. Notice any sensations that are there. Perhaps there is comfort, or there is discomfort. Try to not attach your attention to any sensation, but imagine breathing into it and allowing even more space for that sensation to be there. Whether it is pleasant or unpleasant, just allow it to be.

Expand your awareness now, widening it to include your entire body. Allow it to envelop your body, connecting with your body, in its entirety, at this moment. Breathe, and just allow yourself to become aware of yourself, in your body right now. Perhaps there is difficulty or this comes with ease. Either is okay. Just allow yourself to notice your experience right now, letting go, releasing, and just letting it be without needing to do anything to change it. Just let it be.

Begin to notice the sounds in this room. Take a few deep breaths and wiggle your fingers and toes. Slowly begin to open your eyes at a pace that is comfortable for you as this exercise comes to a close."

Thank you for reading! If you'd like to speak with Dr. Lauren Helm, a licensed clinical psychologist at Rise Psychology, for help with integrating mindfulness into your daily life, please click here.

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

References

Bargh, J. A. (1994). The four horsemen of automaticity: Intention, awareness, efficiency, and control as separate issues.

Gu, J., Strauss, C., Bond, R., & Cavanagh, K. (2015). How do mindfulness-based cognitive therapy and mindfulness-based stress reduction improve mental health and wellbeing? A systematic review and meta-analysis of mediation studies. Clinical psychology review, 37, 1-12.

Kabat-Zinn, J., & Hanh, T. N. (2009). Full catastrophe living: Using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. Delta.

Khoury, B., Lecomte, T., Fortin, G., Masse, M., Therien, P., Bouchard, V., ... & Hofmann, S. G. (2013). Mindfulness-based therapy: a comprehensive meta-analysis. Clinical psychology review, 33(6), 763-771.

Wyer, R. S. (Ed.). (2014). The automaticity of everyday life: Advances in social cognition (Vol. 10). Psychology Press.

Resources

American Mindfulness Research Association

www.goamra.org

Mindfulness in Businesses

www.huffingtonpost.com/news/mindfulness-business/

Mindfulness in Schools

www.mindfulschools.org