Rumination in Interpersonal Conflict: Why It Happens and How to Stop the Cycle

What Is Rumination?

Rumination is repetitive, circular thinking about a problem, concern, or distressing situation without moving toward resolution. It often occurs after interpersonal conflict, perceived rejection, or uncertainty in relationships.

When something feels emotionally threatening, the brain naturally tries to make sense of it through analysis. While reflection can sometimes be useful, rumination keeps the mind stuck in loops of distress, reinforcing negative emotions rather than leading to clarity or action.

Common Forms of Rumination During Interpersonal Conflict

Rumination related to relationships often includes:

• Replaying conversations or interactions repeatedly

• Analyzing what the other person might be thinking or feeling about you

• Creating negative narratives about the other person's intentions or character

• Mentally rehearsing confrontations or conversations that may never happen

• Comparing yourself to others or questioning your worth

• Searching for evidence that confirms your fears or negative interpretations

These patterns can feel urgent and difficult to interrupt, especially when we are feeling intense and difficult emotions.

Why Rumination Persists

Rumination continues because it serves short-term psychological functions:

• It creates the illusion of problem-solving or control

• It reduces uncertainty, even when conclusions are painful

• It feels like emotional preparation or self-protection

• It is reinforced by occasional insights or realizations

• Attempts to suppress thoughts often make them stronger

Over time, this cycle can increase emotional exhaustion and intensify anxiety or low mood.

Evidence-Based Strategies to Reduce Rumination

Research-informed approaches from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindfulness-based interventions may help change how you relate to ruminative thoughts.

1. Recognize and Label Rumination

The first step is awareness. Gently noticing, “I’m having thoughts about this again,” and labeling the experience as rumination (without judgment) can help create space. This allows you to distinguish between productive reflection and unhelpful mental looping..

2. Create Distance from Thoughts (Practice Cognitive Defusion)

Rather than engaging with every thought, it can be helpful to step back and observe them. Phrases such as “I’m noticing the thought that…” or “My mind is telling me…” can reduce their intensity. Thoughts are mental events, not facts that require immediate action.

3. Redirect Attention to the Present Moment

Redirecting attention is not about distraction or forcing thoughts away. It involves grounding yourself in the present moment through sensory awareness, mindful breathing, or focusing on a single task. These practices help interrupt rumination by anchoring attention outside the mind.

4. Use Designated “Worry Time”

Designating a brief period each day (typically 15 to 20 minutes) to intentionally process worries can help contain rumination. When ruminative thoughts arise outside that time, you can remind yourself that they will be addressed later. Outside of scheduled worry time, writing thoughts down and transitioning afterward with movement or a change in activity can be helpful.

5. Challenge Unhelpful Thought Patterns

When appropriate, gently exploring thoughts can bring perspective. Helpful questions may include:

• Is this thought helpful right now?

• What would I say to a friend in this situation?

• What evidence supports or challenges this belief?

• Are there other possible explanations?

• How does thinking this way affect my mood and behavior?

Try not to force positive thinking. The goal is to promote greater cognitive flexibility that helps us loosen rigid or self-critical patterns.

6. Practice Acceptance

Some interpersonal situations cannot be resolved through thinking alone. Allowing difficult emotions, such as sadness, frustration, or uncertainty, to be present without trying to eliminate them can reduce the struggle that fuels rumination. Acceptance does not mean approving of the situation; it means acknowledging what is happening so you can respond more intentionally.

7. Take Values-Based Action

Values-based actions can help shift attention away from mental loops and toward meaningful living. Identifying what matters most to you (such as relationships, growth, care, integrity) and taking small steps in those directions can restore a sense of agency, even when distress is present.

8. Support The Body

Because rumination often contributes to nervous system activation, physical strategies are often important. Movement, exercise, progressive muscle relaxation, grounding techniques, and consistent sleep and routine can all support emotional regulation.

9. Reduce Triggers Where Possible

Limiting reassurance-seeking, repeated checking, or ongoing discussions of the conflict can help prevent rumination from escalating. Noticing triggers and planning intentional responses can make these patterns easier to manage.

10. Gain Perspective

Zooming out can soften the intensity of rumination. Reflecting on the broader context of your life, remembering past challenges you’ve navigated, and connecting with supportive people can help you feel more grounded.

When Additional Support May Help

If rumination is significantly interfering with daily functioning, disrupting sleep or appetite, increasing isolation, or contributing to worsening anxiety or depression, professional support may be helpful. Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore these patterns and develop personalized tools for managing them.

A Compassionate Reminder

The goal is not to eliminate ruminative thoughts entirely. The mind naturally produces them, especially in moments of relational pain. The aim is to change your relationship with these thoughts — to notice them, unhook from them, and gently redirect your energy toward what matters most.

With practice and support, it is possible to step out of the cycle of rumination and move forward with greater clarity and self-compassion.

Understanding and Accepting Your Emotions

WHAT ARE EMOTIONS?

Emotions are natural responses to our experiences. They provide important information about what matters to us and help us navigate our lives. All emotions serve a purpose, even the uncomfortable ones. There are no "good" or "bad" emotions—only feelings that are more or less comfortable to experience.

THE FULL RANGE OF HUMAN EMOTIONS

Comfortable Emotions:

• Joy: A feeling of delight, pleasure, or happiness

• Contentment: A sense of peace and satisfaction with the present moment

• Excitement: Energized anticipation about something positive

• Love: Deep affection, care, and connection with others

• Gratitude: Appreciation for what we have or what others have done

• Pride: Satisfaction in accomplishments or personal growth

• Hope: Optimistic expectation about the future

Uncomfortable but Important Emotions:

• Sadness: A natural response to loss, disappointment, or unmet needs

• Grief: Deep sorrow related to significant loss

• Fear: An alert system that signals potential threat or danger

• Anxiety: Worry or unease about uncertain future events

• Anger: A signal that boundaries have been crossed or needs aren't being met

• Frustration: Feeling blocked from achieving goals or desires

• Guilt: Awareness that our actions may have hurt others or violated our values

• Shame: Feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with us

• Loneliness: Longing for connection with others

• Disappointment: Sadness when expectations aren't met

WHY WE AVOID DIFFICULT EMOTIONS

Many of us learn early in life that certain emotions are "too much" or shouldn't be expressed. We may have received messages that:

• Crying is weak

• Anger is dangerous

• Sadness is self-indulgent

• Fear means we're not brave enough

As a result, we develop strategies to push these feelings away: distraction, numbing, denial, or rushing to "fix" the feeling. While these strategies may provide temporary relief, they often make emotions more intense over time.

THE PARADOX OF EMOTIONAL AVOIDANCE

When we try to suppress or avoid emotions, they don't disappear—they intensify. Think of holding a beach ball underwater: the harder you push it down, the more forcefully it pops back up. Similarly, avoided emotions tend to:

• Return more intensely

• Show up at unexpected times

• Manifest as physical symptoms (tension, fatigue, illness)

• Contribute to anxiety and depression

• Interfere with relationships and daily functioning

THE POWER OF ALLOWING EMOTIONS

When we allow ourselves to feel emotions without judgment:

• They naturally rise, peak, and subside (like waves)

• We gain valuable information about our needs and values

• We build emotional resilience and capacity

• We model healthy emotional processing for others

• We reduce the intensity and frequency of overwhelming feelings

• We feel more authentic and whole

HOW TO RESPOND TO EMOTIONS IN HEALTHY WAYS

1. Notice and Label
   Simply identifying what you're feeling can reduce its intensity. Practice saying: "I'm feeling sad right now" or "This is anxiety I'm experiencing."

2. Allow without judgment
   Remind yourself: "It's okay to feel this way. This feeling won't last forever. I can handle this."

3. Get curious
   Ask yourself: "What is this emotion trying to tell me? What do I need right now?"

4. Feel it in your body
   Notice where the emotion lives in your body. Breathe into that space. Allow the physical sensations without trying to change them.

5. Express appropriately
   Find healthy outlets: talking with trusted others, journaling, creative expression, physical movement, or crying.

6. Take caring action
   Once you understand what the emotion is communicating, consider what action (if any) would be helpful. Sometimes the only action needed is to simply feel the feeling.

7. Practice self-compassion
   Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend experiencing the same emotion.

BUILDING EMOTIONAL CAPACITY

Developing comfort with the full range of emotions is a gradual process. Start small:

• Begin with less intense emotions

• Practice for short periods

• Gradually increase your tolerance

• Celebrate small successes

• Be patient with yourself

Think of it as building emotional muscle. It takes time and practice, but the capacity grows with consistent, gentle effort.

REMEMBER

Feelings are temporary visitors, not permanent residents. By welcoming them, understanding their message, and allowing them to move through you, you develop greater emotional freedom and resilience. We don't have to get rid of difficult emotions to feel better. Instead, we can make room for them alongside all the other parts of our human experience.

Couples Therapy for Better Communication: How Relationship Counseling Strengthens Emotional Connection

Healthy communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, yet it is also one of the most common challenges couples face. At Rise Psychology, couples therapy focuses on helping partners improve communication, rebuild trust, and strengthen emotional intimacy. This article explores how couples counseling supports healthier communication patterns and outlines evidence-based strategies couples can begin practicing right away.

Why Communication Breaks Down in Relationships

Many couples seek therapy after experiencing repeated misunderstandings, unresolved conflict, or emotional distance. Common contributors to communication breakdown include:

• Unspoken expectations and assumptions

• Chronic stress related to work, parenting, or finances

• Past relationship trauma or breaches of trust

• Difficulty expressing emotions safely and clearly

When these issues persist, couples often fall into rigid cycles of criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, or emotional shutdown.

How Couples Therapy Improves Communication

Couples therapy provides a structured and emotionally safe environment in which both partners can be heard. Evidence-based couples therapists help partners:

1. Identify Negative Interaction Cycles

Rather than focusing on who is “right,” therapy helps couples identify destructive patterns—such as pursue/withdraw or attack/defend cycles—that keep conflict going.

2. Build Emotionally Safe Communication

Partners learn how to slow conversations down, listen without interrupting, and respond with validation rather than reactivity.

3. Address Underlying Emotional Needs

Many communication problems stem from unmet needs for security, closeness, or reassurance. Therapy helps couples express these needs directly and constructively.

4. Strengthen Repair After Conflict

Healthy relationships are not conflict-free. Couples therapy teaches repair skills, such as taking responsibility, offering reassurance, and reconnecting after disagreements.

Evidence-Based Tools for Couples

Research-supported couples therapy models consistently emphasize the following strategies. These recommendations are often introduced and reinforced in therapy and can also be practiced at home.

Use “Soft Start-Ups” During Conflict

Instead of beginning conversations with blame or criticism, start with a calm, specific statement of need or feeling. For example:

• “I feel disconnected lately and would like more time together,” rather than “You never make time for me.”

This approach reduces defensiveness and increases receptiveness.

Practice Emotion-Focused Listening

Evidence-based couples therapy emphasizes listening for emotions, not just facts. When your partner speaks:

• Reflect what you hear

• Name the emotion you perceive

• Ask if you understood correctly

Feeling emotionally understood is strongly associated with relationship satisfaction.

Reduce Escalation by Taking Regulated Breaks

When conversations become overwhelming, taking a short break can prevent emotional flooding. Effective breaks include:

• Agreeing on a time to resume the conversation

• Engaging in calming activities (deep breathing, walking)

• Avoiding rumination or rehearsing arguments

Returning to the discussion once calm improves outcomes significantly.

Increase Positive Interactions Intentionally

Research shows that stable relationships maintain a higher ratio of positive to negative interactions. Couples are encouraged to:

• Express appreciation daily

• Acknowledge effort, not just outcomes

• Engage in shared, enjoyable activities

These behaviors strengthen emotional connection and resilience during conflict.

Address Conflict as a Shared Problem

Rather than framing issues as “you vs. me,” evidence-based therapy encourages a “we” perspective:

• “How do we handle stress together?”

• “What does our relationship need right now?”

This mindset promotes collaboration and reduces power struggles.

The Role of Emotional Intimacy in Couples Counseling

Emotional intimacy involves feeling safe, valued, and emotionally connected. Couples therapy helps partners deepen intimacy by:

• Encouraging vulnerability in manageable steps

• Supporting emotional responsiveness

• Helping partners feel secure during moments of conflict

As intimacy increases, communication becomes more open, respectful, and effective.

When to Seek Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be beneficial at any stage of a relationship. Common reasons couples seek counseling include:

• Repeated, unresolved arguments

• Feeling emotionally distant or disconnected

• Difficulty rebuilding trust

• Navigating life transitions such as parenthood or career changes

Seeking therapy early often prevents patterns from becoming entrenched.

How Rise Psychology Supports Couples

At Rise Psychology, couples therapy is grounded in evidence-based practice and tailored to each couple’s unique needs. Therapy focuses on improving communication, strengthening emotional bonds, and supporting long-term relational health in a compassionate and structured way.

Strengthening Your Relationship Through Evidence-Based Couples Therapy

Communication difficulties are common—but they are also highly treatable. Evidence-based couples therapy offers practical tools, emotional insight, and professional support to help partners reconnect and grow together. With the right guidance, couples can move from conflict and disconnection toward clarity, trust, and lasting emotional intimacy.

If you are considering couples therapy, working with a qualified psychologist can be a meaningful step toward a healthier, more resilient relationship.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992).
Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015).
The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Johnson, S. M. (2004).
The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.

Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (1999).
Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67–79.

Christensen, A., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, B., & Yi, J. (2010).
Marital status and satisfaction five years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 225–235.

Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012).
Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.

Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017).
What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 1–5.

How to cope with holiday stress and anxiety

The holiday season often comes with expectations of warmth, joy, and connection, but for many people it brings a different reality — increased pressure, emotional strain, and even anxiety. The combination of social demands, financial concerns, disrupted routines, and past emotional triggers can overwhelm our coping resources. Recognizing these pressures is a first step toward responding with care and intention.

Why the Holidays Can Feel Overwhelming

• Expectations and the pressure to “get it right.” Holiday ideals — perfect dinners, meaningful gifts, flawless gatherings — can set up impossible standards. When reality doesn’t match those ideals, disappointment, guilt, or exhaustion may follow.

• Financial and logistical stress. Between gifts, travel, meals, and entertainment, costs and planning demands add up quickly. Money worries and exhaustive logistics often underlie holiday distress.

• Emotional triggers and family dynamics. Holidays can stir up unresolved grief, loneliness, old wounds, or relational tension. For those managing anxiety or past trauma, familiar patterns of stress can resurface.

• Social overload and overstimulation. Multiple gatherings, constant socializing, and high emotional expectations can lead to fatigue — emotionally and physically.

• Disrupted routines and self-care neglect. Sleep schedules may change, healthy habits may be sidelined, and self-care often falls by the wayside. These shifts can destabilize mental and emotional well-being.

These pressures can accumulate, turning a time meant for rest and connection into a period of persistent stress or dysregulation.

Practical Ways to Protect Your Well-Being

Clarify What’s Meaningful

• Take stock of holiday commitments and decide which traditions, events, or tasks feel meaningful to you. Choose quality over quantity. It’s okay to let go of things that feel draining or obligatory.

Use Boundaries as a Form of Care

• Declining an invitation doesn’t mean you care less — sometimes it means you care more about your capacity to engage in a healthy, grounded way. Setting limits can preserve your emotional energy and reduce overwhelm.

Prioritize Basic Self-Care

• Sleep, movement, balanced eating, and moments of rest matter — especially when life feels chaotic. Maintaining core routines helps stabilize mood, energy, and emotional regulation.

Practice Mindfulness and Emotional Check-Ins

• Pausing for short moments of awareness — deep breathing, a quiet walk, a few minutes of solitude — can help reset stress. Acknowledging and naming difficult feelings without judgment provides emotional clarity and reduces internal conflict.

Reach Out for Connection or Support

• If loneliness, grief, or overwhelm shows up, reaching out — to a friend, peer, or mental-health professional — can make a difference. Connection can act as a buffer against isolation and emotional overload.

Adjust Expectations to Reality

• Rather than aiming for perfection, try accepting that holidays seldom go exactly as planned. Recognize what’s realistic, lean into values like kindness and presence, and allow for flexibility and grace.

Seek Professional Support if Needed

• If stress or anxiety becomes overwhelming or persists beyond the holiday season, consider reaching out to a licensed mental-health provider. Therapy or professional support can help restore balance and build resilience.

A Balanced Holiday Mindset

Holidays do not have to be perfect. They do not require constant joy or endless energy. What matters is tending to your well-being with compassion, intention, and realistic expectations.

• Choose what aligns with your values and emotional capacity.

• Give yourself permission to rest, reflect, and feel what arises.

• Honour small, meaningful moments more than idealized grandeur.

• Recognize that emotional health matters all year — even (and especially) during the holidays.

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Reflection Exercise for Navigating Holiday Stress

Use the prompts below to support emotional awareness, grounding, and intentional decision making during the holiday season. You can complete them all at once or revisit them as needed.

1. Emotional Check-In

Take a few minutes to sit quietly and notice how you are feeling today.

• What emotions are present right now?

• Where do you feel these emotions in your body?

• What do those sensations tell you about your current needs?

2. Identifying Stress Triggers

Reflect on which holiday situations increase your stress or anxiety.

• Which events, interactions, or expectations tend to feel the most difficult?

• What patterns do you notice — emotional, relational, or logistical?

• What support, clarity, or boundaries might help reduce those triggers?

3. Values-Based Choices

Consider what matters most to you during the holidays.

• What experiences or traditions align with your personal values?

• Which commitments feel meaningful rather than expected or obligatory?

• If you chose based on values rather than pressure, what might change?

4. Boundary Setting

Think about one boundary that could help you protect your emotional energy.

• Where do you most need a limit, pause, or clearer expectation?

• What would communicating that boundary sound like?

• How would honoring that boundary support your well-being?

5. Rest and Regulation

Reflect on what helps you feel grounded, calm, or restored.

• What practices help you regulate stress: movement, breathwork, journaling, solitude, connection?

• How can you make space for these practices even during busy days?

• What gentle cue can remind you to take a break when stress rises?

6. Meaning Over Perfection

Explore how perfection shows up during the holidays.

• Where do you notice pressure to “do more” or meet unrealistic expectations?

• What would it look like to shift toward meaning, presence, or authenticity instead?

• What small adjustment could help you let go of perfection in one area of the season?

7. Compassion Toward Yourself

Close with a moment of self-compassion.

• What have you been carrying emotionally this season?

• How have you supported yourself, even in small ways?

• What gentle message would you offer yourself right now?

From Parental Burnout to Balance: Tips for Stressed-Out Parents

Understanding and Coping with Parental Burnout

Parenting is often described as one of life’s most meaningful experiences. Watching your child grow, learn, and develop into their own person can bring deep joy and fulfillment. Yet amid these moments of connection and pride, parenting can also be relentless. The emotional labor, chronic responsibilities, and high-stakes decisions can create a level of stress that exceeds what most people anticipate. When this stress becomes chronic and exceeds a parent’s coping capacity, it can lead to a serious condition known as parental burnout.

This post explores what parental burnout is, how to recognize its signs, and what you can do to address and prevent it.

What Is Parental Burnout?

Parental burnout is a state of intense physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion brought on by prolonged parenting stress. Unlike everyday fatigue, burnout includes a specific cluster of symptoms: overwhelming exhaustion, emotional distancing from children, and a reduced sense of efficacy or accomplishment in the parenting role.

In much the same way that professional burnout leads to disconnection from our work, parental burnout can cause a sense of alienation from our children. Parents may feel emotionally numb, chronically irritable, or trapped in a cycle of caregiving without recovery.

Signs of Parental Burnout

Recognizing the signs of burnout early can help prevent deeper emotional or relational fallout. While the experience varies, research identifies several core indicators:

1. Emotional Exhaustion: Feeling persistently drained, even after rest. Daily parenting duties may feel unmanageable or disproportionately taxing.

2. Irritability and Mood Swings: Heightened emotional reactivity, including anger or frustration over minor stressors.

3. Emotional Distancing: Feeling disconnected from your child or partner. Moments that once brought joy may now feel burdensome or hollow.

4. Sense of Inefficacy: A persistent belief that you’re failing as a parent, despite effort. This often reflects perfectionistic standards more than objective outcomes.

5. Physical Symptoms: Chronic stress can show up in your body: sleep disturbances, headaches, digestive issues, or increased illness.

Assessing Your Burnout: A Validated Tool

If you’re unsure whether what you’re experiencing is burnout, the Parental Burnout Assessment (PBA) developed by Roskam et al. (2018) offers a validated way to check in. By reflecting on your energy levels, emotional experience, and parenting satisfaction, the PBA can help you gauge whether burnout is present and how severe it may be. If you are interested in taking the Parental Burnout Assessment (PBA), you can visit: https://en.burnoutparental.com/test-pba-en

What Causes Parental Burnout?

Parental burnout is a signal of chronic imbalance. Common contributing factors include:

• Insufficient Support: Solo parenting, poor co-parenting dynamics, or a lack of extended family/community support can leave parents emotionally isolated.

• Perfectionistic Standards: Internalized ideals about being the “perfect” parent are associated with higher burnout risk, especially when combined with low self-compassion.

• Chronic Self-Sacrifice: When parents chronically deprioritize their own needs, exhaustion accumulates without relief.

• Work-Family Overload: Inflexible work demands and blurred home/work boundaries can erode recovery time.

• High-Needs Children: Raising children with medical, behavioral, or developmental challenges increases stress, especially when adequate resources are lacking.

Strategies for Preventing and Recovering from Parental Burnout

Burnout recovery requires both immediate relief and sustainable change. The following research-informed strategies can help you manage stress, restore your energy, and build a foundation for long-term resilience in parenting.

1. Recognize and Validate Your Experience: Begin by acknowledging what you're feeling. Emotional awareness—especially the ability to name specific emotions—is a powerful tool for reducing stress and clarifying needs. This skill, known as emotional granularity, is associated with better coping and lower burnout. Remember: feeling depleted does not make you a bad parent—it signals that your system needs care.

2. Seek and Accept Support: Social support is consistently one of the strongest buffers against burnout. Whether it's childcare help, emotional validation, or shared responsibilities, support lightens the load. Don’t wait until you’re at a breaking point—ask for help early, and say yes when it's offered.

3. Challenge Unrealistic Standards: Perfectionistic parenting ideals—often shaped by cultural narratives or social media—are strongly linked to burnout (Roskam et al., 2018). If you’re holding yourself to impossible standards, try asking: What’s sustainable today? Replacing rigid expectations with self-compassionate flexibility can protect your energy and preserve your connection with your child.

4. Protect Time for Micro-Rest and Recovery: You don’t need a weekend retreat to replenish your energy. Evidence shows that even short, intentional breaks—10 minutes of walking, breathing, stretching, or listening to music—can reduce cortisol and improve mood. Prioritize these moments as essential maintenance, not optional indulgences.

5. Set Boundaries Between Roles: Blurred lines between parenting, work, and personal identity can lead to chronic overload. Designate “off-duty” times, however brief, and create small rituals to mark the transition. For example, using quiet time for kids as decompression time for yourself reinforces the idea that you are a person, not just a caregiver.

6. Reassess Your Capacity Regularly: Your energy, time, and emotional bandwidth fluctuate with life circumstances. Make space—weekly or monthly—to check in with yourself or a partner. What can be adjusted or let go of? Proactive recalibration can prevent low-grade stress from accumulating into burnout.

7. Cultivate Grounded Gratitude: Gratitude helps hold the hard parts of parenting in balance. Pausing to notice small moments of connection or strength can regulate your nervous system and shift your mindset from survival to presence. Even brief reflections (“I made it through today,” “That hug meant something”) can be powerful.

8. Model Self-Compassion for Your Children: Your kids are watching—not just how you care for them, but how you care for yourself. When they see you set boundaries, take breaks, and speak kindly to yourself, they internalize those lessons. Research shows that parental self-compassion is associated with healthier emotional development in children (Moreira et al., 2018).

9. Reach Out for Professional Support When Needed: If burnout symptoms persist—especially if you’re experiencing depression, anxiety, or emotional numbness—therapy can help. Evidence-based approaches such as CBT, ACT, and compassion-focused therapy provide tools for regulating emotion, adjusting unhelpful thought patterns, and reconnecting with your values as a parent.

Final Thoughts

Parental burnout is real—and more common than we often acknowledge. Behind closed doors, many parents feel overwhelmed, depleted, and alone. But burnout is not a personal flaw. It’s a signal that your current load exceeds your current resources—and both can be adjusted. With awareness, support, and self-compassion, recovery is possible. You are not alone. And you are still a good parent—even when you’re exhausted.

References

Moreira, H., Gouveia, M. J., Carona, C., Silva, N., & Canavarro, M. C. (2018). Maternal self-compassion and parenting styles: The mediating role of parenting stress. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 27(2), 524–537.

Roskam, I., Brianda, M. E., & Mikolajczak, M. (2018). A step forward in the conceptualization and measurement of parental burnout: The Parental Burnout Assessment (PBA). Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 758.

Parental Burnout Assessment. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://en.burnoutparental.com/test-pba-en

From Stuck to Strategic: CBT Tools for Effective Problem Solving

Life doesn’t always follow a smooth path. Whether you're facing work-related stress, relationship difficulties, or trying to meet personal goals, challenges can feel overwhelming. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers practical, evidence-based tools to help navigate these moments with greater clarity and confidence (Beck, 2011).

CBT is a structured, evidence-based therapy that explores how our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are interconnected (Beck, 2011). One of its effective tools is structured problem-solving—a method that helps break down challenges into clear, actionable steps, making it easier to address problems without becoming overwhelmed (D'Zurilla & Nezu, 2007).

Problem-Solving in CBT: A Practical Approach

1. Clarify the Problem
   The first step is to define the issue as clearly and specifically as possible. Rather than settling for vague feelings of stress or unease, try to pinpoint the underlying concern—such as, “I’m overwhelmed by my workload.” Naming the problem is essential to identifying an effective solution.

2. Generate Possible Solutions
   Brainstorm a wide range of potential responses. At this stage, the goal is to think broadly and creatively—there are no wrong answers. Even ideas that seem impractical at first can spark more viable options.

3. Evaluate the Options
   Review each potential solution by considering its pros and cons, feasibility, and how well it aligns with your values and needs. This step helps narrow the list down to the most realistic and effective options.

4. Select a Solution
   Choose the approach that feels most promising. It doesn’t have to be perfect—just a good starting point based on your unique situation and goals.

5. Plan and Take Action
   Turn your chosen solution into a concrete plan. Break it down into clear, achievable steps. Set a timeline, identify resources, and start implementing your plan, staying flexible in case adjustments are needed.

6. Reflect and Review
   After taking action, reflect on the outcome. What went well? What could be improved next time? This process strengthens problem-solving skills and builds resilience for future challenges.

Everyday Applications of Problem-Solving

• Time Management: Create structured routines, set clear priorities, and use tools like planners or digital apps to stay organized.

• Communication Difficulties: Practice skills such as active listening, using “I” statements, and setting aside time for open, honest conversations.

• Managing Stress: Use techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, physical activity, or relaxation exercises to regulate stress levels and maintain balance.

Example 1: Time Management at Work

Context: You're feeling overwhelmed at work and struggling to keep up with deadlines.

1. Clarify the Problem

   “I can’t keep up with everything at work.” becomes
   “I’m struggling to manage competing deadlines for three major projects.”

2. Generate Possible Solutions

   • Prioritize tasks using a planner.

   • Set boundaries on meeting times.

   • Delegate some responsibilities.

   • Block off focus time in the calendar.

   • Speak to a supervisor about workload.

3. Evaluate the Options

   • Planner: Easy to implement, keeps tasks visible.

   • Delegation: May require permission, but frees up time.

   • Talking to supervisor: Risky, but could lead to support.

   • Calendar blocking: Low effort, helps with focus.

4. Choose a Solution

   Combine: Use a planner + calendar blocking + request a brief meeting with supervisor to prioritize tasks.

5. Plan and Take Action

   • Monday morning: List all tasks in planner by deadline.

   • Block off 1–2 hours daily for focused work.

   • Schedule a 15-minute check-in with manager Tuesday morning.

6. Review and Reflect
   After one week: “I met 2 out of 3 deadlines, and my manager was supportive. I felt less overwhelmed. Next week, I’ll add weekly reviews into my planner to stay ahead.”

Example 2: Communication in a Relationship

Context: You’ve been feeling disconnected from your partner and notice arguments happening more often.

1. Clarify the Problem

   “We always argue.” becomes “I feel like we argue about chores and responsibilities, and I don’t feel heard when I bring up how I’m feeling.”

2. Generate Possible Solutions

   • Set a weekly time to talk.

   • Practice using “I” statements.

   • Write feelings in a journal before speaking.

   • Read a relationship book together.

   • Seek couples therapy.

3. Evaluate the Options

   • “I” statements: Low cost, encourages calm communication.

   • Weekly talk: Adds structure, avoids reacting in the moment.

   • Journal: Prepares thoughts.

   • Couples therapy: May take time, but could be beneficial long-term.

4. Choose a Solution

   Start with “I” statements + schedule a weekly check-in.

5. Plan and Take Action

   • Friday nights after dinner: 20-minute check-in.

   • This week’s focus: Use “I” statements when discussing shared chores.

6. Review and Reflect
   After two check-ins: “We argued less and were more open. It’s still awkward, but I feel like we’re both trying. I’m thinking of suggesting couples therapy if we get stuck.”

Why This Matters

Structured problem-solving doesn’t mean every situation is simple—but it makes challenges feel manageable. These techniques help reduce emotional overwhelm, boost confidence, and promote long-term growth. Studies show they are especially effective in managing anxiety, depression, and stress-related concerns (Nezu et al., 2013).

The Value of Problem-Solving Skills

Learning to approach problems with structure and clarity doesn’t just reduce stress—it also fosters a sense of control and self-confidence. By developing these skills, it becomes easier to face life’s challenges with a proactive, thoughtful mindset.

If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, problem-solving strategies from CBT can provide a grounded and effective way forward.

References (with Links)

• Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond (2nd ed.). Publisher page

• D’Zurilla, T. J., & Nezu, A. M. (2007). Problem-Solving Therapy. Springer Publishing

• Nezu, A. M., Nezu, C. M., & D’Zurilla, T. J. (2013). Problem-Solving Therapy: A Treatment Manual. Springer Publishing

The Life Tank Worksheet: A Practical Tool for Balancing Your Mental Health

One of Rise Psychology’s self-help resources is the Life Tank Worksheet. This simple yet powerful tool helps individuals assess and balance the key areas of their lives that contribute to overall well-being. This blog post will explore how the Life Tank Worksheet works, and how you can use it to cultivate a healthier, more balanced life.

What is the Life Tank Worksheet?

The Life Tank Worksheet is designed to help you evaluate the areas of your life that either fill or drain your emotional energy. Picture your emotional and mental well-being as a fuel tank. When the tank is full, you feel energized, capable, and ready to handle life’s challenges. When it’s empty, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, stressed, and depleted. This worksheet helps you identify what activities, habits, or situations fill your tank and which ones drain it, using a simple rating system to guide your reflections and actions.

How It Works

The worksheet is divided into two columns: one for what fills your tank, called replenishing factors (positive, energizing activities) and one for what drains it, called depleting factors (stressors, negative behaviors, or difficult situations). Each factor you list can be rated on a scale of 0-10, where 0 means it has no impact, and 10 means it has a significant impact on your emotional well-being. This rating system allows you to quantify how much each activity either replenishes or depletes your energy, providing clarity on where to make adjustments.

Step-by-Step Process:

1. Overall Life Tank Rating: Assess your overall life tank by giving it a rating from 0-10. This number reflects your general emotional and mental well-being. It can be helpful to consider how “full” your life tank is when deciding what to address first.

2. Assess What Fills Your Tank: Think about the activities, routines, or interactions that make you feel happy, peaceful, or rejuvenated. After listing these, rate each one on a scale from 0-10, with 10 representing those that have the most positive impact on your emotional energy. This helps you prioritize which replenishing activities are most important to continue or increase in your daily life.

3. Identify What Drains Your Tank: Reflect on the aspects of your life that leave you feeling exhausted, stressed, or emotionally drained. Rate each item on a 0-10 scale to determine the degree to which these factors negatively impact your well-being. This provides a clear picture of which stressors may require attention, whether through setting boundaries, reducing exposure, or finding support.

4. Develop a Solution-Focused Action Plan: Identify the replenishing and depleting factors that are within your control. Create a written action plan for each one. Focus on practical solutions that can help mitigate their impact. For example, if a specific task is overwhelming you, consider breaking it down into smaller, manageable steps or delegating it to someone else.

5. Create an Emotion-Focused Coping Plan: In addition to your action plan, develop an emotion-focused coping strategy for each depleting factor. This might involve mindfulness techniques, journaling, or seeking support from friends or professionals. The goal is to equip yourself with tools to manage the emotional fallout from these challenges.

6. Choose Your Focus Wisely: If your Life Tank rating feels low, focus on addressing either a depleting factor or enhancing a replenishing factor that requires the least amount of energy and has the highest impact. Choose to focus on actions that are realistic and within your reach, based on your current emotional resources. This prevents you from feeling overwhelmed and ensures that you’re taking steps that you have the capacity to follow through on. For example, you might choose to focus on a minor stressor that you can easily reduce, or incorporate a small but highly replenishing activity into your routine, like simple breathing exercises or a short daily walk—small changes can lead to significant improvements in how you feel.

7. Weekly Life Tank Check-In: To stay on track, schedule a weekly "Life Tank" check-in. During this time, re-assess your Life Tank rating and update your list of replenishing and depleting factors. This regular reflection will help you adjust your strategies and ensure you’re consistently nurturing your emotional health.

Life Tank Worksheet Example of Replenishing and Depleting Factors

Why It Can Be Useful

By taking a proactive approach to managing your Life Tank, you can better navigate life’s challenges and enhance your emotional well-being. Remember, it’s about making small, manageable changes that can lead to significant improvements over time.

The Life Tank Worksheet is grounded in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles, which emphasize the connection between thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. By using the 0-10 scale to quantify what fills and drains your tank, you can make intentional decisions to balance your well-being. The worksheet also encourages realistic goal-setting based on your current emotional capacity, allowing you to take steps toward change without feeling overwhelmed.

Additionally, this tool can be revisited regularly. Mental health is dynamic, and what fills or drains your tank may shift over time. By checking in with the Life Tank Worksheet periodically, you can adapt to life’s changes and continue to prioritize your well-being.

Start Using the Life Tank Worksheet Today

Whether you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or just want to maintain balance in your life, the Life Tank Worksheet offers a practical framework for self-reflection and change. It’s simple, customizable, and easy to integrate into your routine. Download the worksheet below and start taking steps toward a more balanced and fulfilling life today.

Repairing Hurt In Relationships: How Attachment Theory Can Help

Conflict in Relationships

Conflict is a normal - and inevitable! - part of any relationship. Whenever there are different viewpoints, desires, or needs, there is the potential for conflict, particularly when we perceive our conflicting opinions or needs as incompatible.

The presence of conflict is not necessarily harmful, nor does it indicate anything inherently problematic about our relationships. However, the way that we respond to conflict, and attempt to repair the effects of conflict, matters significantly.

Conflict can often be resolved through communication, negotiation, compromise, and mutual understanding. When conflicts are approached constructively, they can strengthen relationships by building trust and intimacy.

Despite our best attempts to resolve conflict well, when emotions are heightened, it can be difficult to offer our better selves. Things can go awry quickly, and cause with painful feelings of disconnect and broken trust. Poorly managed conflict can lead to a relationship rupture. A relationship rupture is a significant breakdown in the bond between people, causing feelings of betrayal, hurt, mistrust, or disconnection. Ruptures can significantly damage feelings of safety and closeness within our relationships.

If relationship ruptures happen often, conflict can feel like a dreaded, rather than healthy, part of relationships. This can contribute to even greater conflict avoidance and/or negative reactivity to conflict.

Attachment theory can help demystify why we might run into repeated difficulty with conflict, and experience more frequent ruptures. If we better understand how attachment styles affect our patterns of conflict, then we may be able to take a more informed approach to repairing ruptures that better aligns with our (and our loved one’s) needs.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory emphasizes the importance of early relationships in shaping our ability to form and maintain healthy emotional connections. According to attachment theory, the way we bond with our caregivers in childhood influences our attachment styles as adults, affecting how we relate to others, especially in times of conflict.

Attachment Styles and Conflict

1. Secure Attachment:

Approximately 50-60% of the population has a secure attachment style. Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to trust others, feel comfortable with intimacy, and are generally more adept at managing conflicts. They are more likely to seek resolution and repair ruptures effectively. Individuals with a secure attachment style typically approach conflict with a calm and balanced mindset. They are comfortable with intimacy and trust, which allows them to communicate openly and honestly during disagreements. Securely attached people are likely to express their feelings clearly, listen to their partner's perspective, and work collaboratively to find a solution. They view conflict as a natural part of relationships and are confident in their ability to resolve issues without fear of losing the connection.

During an argument, a securely attached person might say, "I feel hurt when you cancel our plans last minute. Can we talk about how we can avoid this in the future?" They are open to hearing their partner’s side and willing to compromise to reach a mutual understanding.

2. Anxious Attachment:

About 15-25% of the population has an anxious attachment style. Those with an anxious attachment style may fear abandonment and seek frequent reassurance. They often experience heightened emotions during conflict. They may fear abandonment or rejection, leading them to become overly preoccupied with the relationship. This can result in a tendency to seek reassurance and/or to escalate the conflict in an attempt to test the security of the relationship. People with an anxious attachment style might struggle with expressing their needs directly and may instead resort to passive-aggressive behavior or anxious, angry, or critical ways of communicating.

In a conflict, an anxiously attached person might say, "You never spend enough time with me. Do you even care about this relationship?" Their approach may come across as demanding or overly critical, and is often accompanied by seeking immediate reassurance from their partner that the security of the relationship is intact.

3. Avoidant Attachment:

Approximately 15-25% of the population has an avoidant attachment style. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may value independence over intimacy and tend to withdraw during conflicts. They might struggle with addressing emotional issues directly, and tend to distance themselves during conflict. They might feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may prefer to avoid discussing difficult topics. This can lead to withdrawal, shutting down communication, or even walking away from the situation entirely. Avoidantly attached individuals often prioritize independence and may view conflict as a threat to their autonomy.

When faced with a disagreement, an avoidantly attached person might say, "I don’t want to talk about this right now," and then retreat into silence or busy themselves with other activities. This avoidance can create further tension and feelings of abandonment for their partner. Unresolved issues can linger and contribute to feelings of resentment over time.

4. Disorganized Attachment:

About 5-10% of the population has a disorganized attachment style. This style is characterized by unpredictable responses to conflict within relationships. People with a disorganized attachment style often experience conflicting feelings about closeness and distance. They might have difficulty managing their emotions and can alternate between seeking comfort and pushing their partner away. This inconsistency can make conflict especially challenging, because it can feel unpredictable and confusing for both themselves and their partner.

During a conflict, a person with a disorganized attachment style might oscillate between saying, "I need you to be here for me," and "Just leave me alone!" This push-pull dynamic can feel chaotic and emotionally charged.

Steps to Repair Relationship Ruptures

When we are able to recognize the role of attachment styles in our own patterns of conflict, we can more clearly work towards strengthening the skills that help us repair relationship ruptures in healthier ways. Listed below are guidelines for repairing ruptures more effectively, with suggestions for individuals with each attachment style.

1. Recognize and Reflect

It is essential to pause and reflect on what happened after the relationship rupture, taking the time to identify the specific actions or words that contributed to the conflict (it can help to write this down for the sake of clarity). Practice perspective-taking and empathy, reflecting on how your partner’s sense of security and trust may have been impacted as well.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be inclined to downplay the significance of the rupture or your loved one’s difficult emotions, in order to avoid your feelings of overwhelm or discomfort.

However, it's essential to pause and consciously acknowledge that minimizing conflict, dismissing your partner’s feelings, withdrawing, or reacting defensively will work against you, and damage your partner’s trust.

Try to break down the conflict into manageable parts to make it feel less daunting. Start by identifying the primary areas of disagreement. For example, issues might include clashing communication styles, unmet expectations, or unmet emotional needs.

Practice perspective-taking, and ask yourself, "What was my partner feeling, and what might they have needed?" Challenge yourself to think about the positive aspects of the relationship, and how addressing this conflict may improve your relationship in the long run.

In the long-term, consider whether you are willing to gradually work on becoming more comfortable with emotional intimacy and conflict. Each small step you take to build tolerance of emotional closeness and vulnerability matters significantly, and increases your ability to maintain healthy and satisfying relationships.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may immediately feel panicked and fear abandonment when a rupture occurs. Anger related to feelings of betrayal or abandonment may also surge.

If anxiety or anger becomes difficult to disentangle from, practice at least 5-10 minutes of slow, diaphragmatic breaths to help regulate your autonomic nervous system. Then, commit to reflecting on the situation so that you can arrive at a balanced perspective.

You may consider using CBT strategies, such as decatastrophizing techniques, to help you more accurately assess the level of threat tied to the conflict. Decatastrophizing techniques are intended to help us more objectively reinterpret our concerns and respond to them in more effective ways.

For example, write down your responses to the following decatastrophizing prompts:

“What is the worst-case scenario, best-case scenario, and most likely scenario?

What kind of response would be helpful if the ‘most likely’ scenario is true?

If the worst-case scenario were to happen, what actionable steps could I take to care for my needs, receive support, and make it through this to the other side?”

It may also be helpful to purposefully think through, and write down, alternative explanations for your partner or loved one’s behavior. Reminding yourself of the positive aspects and strengths of your relationship can help to counterbalance the emotional impact of recent conflict.

Finally, it is important to identify your needs and boundaries, so that you can be prepared to express them effectively.

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might feel conflicted or paralyzed by the rupture, uncertain whether to confront it or withdraw.

It’s important to create a safe space for reflection, perhaps by journaling or speaking with a trusted friend or therapist. For example, while working with a therapist, you might reflect on the sequence of events involved in the conflict, and identify the specific triggers for feelings of confusion or emotional overwhelm.

It is not uncommon for our responses to conflict to be influenced by past traumatic experiences within relationships, and a therapist can also help you identify whether your reaction may be influenced past trauma.

Learning how to compassionately acknowledge fears that are activated within our closest relationships can be an important first step towards lessening their control over our reactions, and pave the way for learning how to effectively communicate your needs and emotions clearly.

Over time, it is possible to build a sense of security within your relationship while working through the conflict.

Secure Attachment: If you're securely attached, you might naturally acknowledge and reflect on ruptures. Even if the issue seems minor, taking the time to reflect on your emotions and actions will reinforce your ability to respond to conflict effectively..

2. Open a Compassionate Dialogue

Once you've identified the source of the rupture, the next step is to open a dialogue with your partner.

Approach the conversation with empathy, aiming to understand your partner's perspective without rushing to defend yourself or fix the problem immediately.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.” Consider writing down what you’d like to say, so that you can read or reference your notes when discussing your concerns with your partner. Encourage your partner to share their feelings as well, and to make sure they have a chance to feel heard and validated.

If you begin to feel overwhelmed when communicating with your partner, let them know that repairing the conflict is important to you, and that in order to do that well, you need to take a break to self-regulate. Let your partner know that you will return to work through the issue. Try to provide a reasonable time estimate, such as 30 minutes, and stick to it, so that your partner is less likely to feel abandoned.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant style, opening up a dialogue might feel like exposing yourself to criticism.

Prioritize understanding your partner, rather than defending yourself.

For example, instead of saying, "I didn’t think it was a big deal," try, "I want to understand how my actions affected you, even if I didn’t see it that way initially."

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, you might fear that the conversation could lead to further conflict or rejection.

Before engaging, practice calming techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness to soothe your nerves.

When you start the conversation, use “I” statements, such as, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style may struggle with maintaining a calm and coherent dialogue due to conflicting emotions.

To help with this, consider writing down your thoughts beforehand or even creating a “communication script” to keep the conversation focused.

For example, plan to say, “I’m feeling a lot of different emotions about what happened, and I’d like to talk through them with you.”

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals often excel in opening compassionate dialogues. Ensure that you continue to listen actively to your partner and validate their feelings.

You might say, “I noticed we were both upset earlier, and I want to make sure we’re both okay now. How are you feeling about what happened?”

3. Take Responsibility and Offer a Sincere Apology

Taking responsibility for our part in the rupture is key to repairing and restoring trust within our relationships. Offer a sincere apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings and the impact of your actions.

For example, “I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and that was not my intention.”

Avoidant Attachment: Apologizing might make you feel vulnerable, as it can seem like a loss of control. To reframe this, remind yourself that taking responsibility is a strength, not a weakness.

You might say, “I’m sorry for my reaction earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and I’m committed to working on this.” This approach allows you to take ownership while maintaining your sense of self.

Anxious Attachment: With an anxious attachment style, you might be quick to apologize, sometimes even for things that aren’t your fault, out of a fear of losing your partner. It’s important to apologize sincerely, but also ensure that you’re only taking responsibility for your own actions.

For instance, say, “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier, but I’d also like to talk about how we can both communicate better next time.”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might struggle with offering a coherent apology due to inner conflict. To help with this, take time to process your feelings first, perhaps with a supportive friend or therapist. When you’re ready, offer an apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings, such as, “I’m sorry for how I acted. I realize it was confusing, and I’m working on understanding my own feelings better.”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often find it easier to apologize because they are confident in their relationships. Continue to offer sincere apologies that acknowledge the impact of your actions, like, “I’m really sorry for interrupting you earlier. I didn’t realize how it made you feel unheard, and I’ll be more mindful in the future.”

4. Create a Plan for Moving Forward

After acknowledging the rupture and apologizing, it’s important to collaborate with your partner on a plan to prevent similar issues in the future. Discuss what each of you needs to feel secure and understood moving forward. Set clear expectations and boundaries that respect both partners’ needs. For example, you might agree to check in with each other regularly or establish a “time-out” signal for when emotions run high.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, the idea of making a plan might feel restrictive or unnecessary.

However, collaborating with your partner can actually strengthen your autonomy by establishing clear boundaries and expectations.

You might agree to regular check-ins or create a “time-out” signal when things get heated, ensuring both partners feel secure without feeling trapped.

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, creating a plan might feel like a way to regain security in the relationship, but it’s important to ensure the plan is balanced and respects both partners’ needs.

For example, you might suggest, “Let’s agree to check in with each other every evening, but also give each other space when we need it.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style might find it challenging to stick to a plan due to inconsistent feelings.

It can be helpful to start small and build consistency over time. You might begin with something simple, like setting aside 10 minutes each day to discuss how you’re both feeling, gradually building trust in the process.

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals are typically comfortable with creating and following through on plans. Use this strength to ensure the plan is clear and mutually agreed upon, like, “Let’s set aside some time each week to talk about how things are going and what we can do to support each other.”

5. Rebuild Trust Through Consistency and Patience

Repairing a relationship rupture is not a one-time event but an ongoing process. In order to rebuild and strengthen trust, it is crucial to remain consistent in our words and actions, and patience with our partner’s healing process. Demonstrate reliability and follow through on any commitments made during your discussions. Trust is rebuilt through small, consistent actions that reinforce your commitment to the relationship.

Avoidant Attachment: Rebuilding trust might feel uncomfortable because it requires consistent emotional availability, which can be challenging for individuals with avoidant attachment.

Focus on small, manageable steps, like consistently following through on promises or being present during important conversations. Remind yourself that this consistency will strengthen your relationship without compromising your independence.

Anxious Attachment: For those with an anxious attachment style, trust might need more frequent reassurance.

It’s important to communicate your needs clearly while also recognizing your partner’s efforts. You might say, “I really appreciate when you check in with me during the day—it helps me feel secure.”

Disorganized Attachment: With a disorganized attachment style, you might find it difficult to be consistent due to fluctuating emotions.

Work on maintaining small, consistent actions, like sending a daily message to your partner or setting regular times to connect. Gradual consistency can help rebuild trust and create a sense of stability.

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals usually find it natural to be consistent and patient in rebuilding trust.

Continue to demonstrate reliability and be patient with your partner’s healing process. You might say, “I know trust takes time to rebuild, and I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to make sure you feel secure.”

6. Practice Self-Care and Self-Reflection

Lastly, maintaining a healthy relationship requires ongoing self-care and self-reflection. Taking care of your own emotional well-being ensures that you can show up as your best self in your relationships. Engage in regular self-care activities that help you manage stress and stay emotionally balanced. If you find certain patterns challenging, consider seeking support from a therapist.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant attachment style, self-care might involve activities that allow for independence, such as solo hobbies or mindfulness practices. However, it’s also important to reflect on how your need for space impacts your partner.

Consider integrating practices that help you stay emotionally present, like journaling about your feelings or setting aside time for regular self-reflection.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may benefit from self-care activities that help regulate emotions, such as meditation, yoga, or therapy.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider how they affect your relationships. For example, you might ask yourself, “How can I practice patience and trust without needing constant reassurance?”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, self-care might involve finding ways to calm and regulate your emotions, such as through therapy, meditation, or creative outlets like art or writing.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider seeking professional support to navigate complex emotions. Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel more grounded and secure in my relationships?”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often have a good balance between self-care and relationship care.

Continue to practice self-reflection and ensure that you’re taking care of your own emotional needs while being present for your partner. You might ask yourself, “Am I maintaining a healthy balance between my own needs and my partner’s needs?”

Conclusion

Repairing ruptures within relationships is a critical skill that can lead to stronger, more resilient connections. By understanding and applying attachment theory, we can better navigate conflicts and foster healthy, enduring relationships. Rise Psychology offers support and strategies to help you develop these essential skills and improve your relational health. For personalized guidance and more tips on repairing relational ruptures, reach out to us at Rise Psychology.

References:

- Bowlby, J. (1982). *Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment*. Basic Books.

- Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). *Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation*. Erlbaum.

- Johnson, S. M. (2019). *Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families*. The Guilford Press.

- Tatkin, S. (2016). *Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship*. New Harbinger Publications.

Depleted: The Nature of Job Burnout

Burnout is common in today's fast-paced world, especially among professionals juggling demanding jobs and personal lives. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands, you may be experiencing the effects of burnout. Burnout is typically more than feeling a bit tired or stressed; it's a state of profound emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion that can significantly impact our mental health and overall well-being. Recognizing and responding to the impending signs of burnout can be essential in helping us to regain balance, improve our footing, and reconnect with our lives in an enriching way. Read on the learn more about what burnout is, why it matters, what can be done to prevent it, and how to take care of ourselves when it occurs.

What Is Burnout?

The term "burnout" was popularized in the 1970s by American psychologist Christina Maslach, whose pioneering research laid the groundwork for understanding this complex condition. Maslach's work, particularly the development of the Maslach Burnout Inventory (MBI), has been instrumental in identifying and measuring the core dimensions of occupational burnout.

According to Maslach's research, burnout is comprised of three primary dimensions:

1. Emotional Exhaustion: This dimension involves feelings of being emotionally drained and depleted of emotional resources. Individuals experiencing emotional exhaustion often feel they are no longer able to give of themselves. For example, this can be experienced as a persistent feeling of running on empty. Responsibilities may create the feeling of dread, and it can become increasingly difficult to muster any energy for daily tasks that lie ahead.

2. Depersonalization: Also known as cynicism, this dimension is characterized by a negative, detached response to various aspects of our career. It often involves developing a cynical attitude towards one's work and colleagues, leading to feelings of alienation. When depersonalization occurs, what was once was a source of pride and purpose can begin to feel like a tedious chore. Colleagues, clients, family, or friends may begin to feel like mere obstacles to the endless requirements of the day, and a sense of isolation can grow.

3. Reduced Personal Accomplishment: This dimension reflects a decline in feelings of competence and achievement at work. Individuals may feel dissatisfied with their job performance and doubt their ability to contribute effectively. When reduced personal accomplishment occurs, tasks that once felt manageable may begin to feel insurmountable, and setbacks can feel like personal failures.

Causes and Risk Factors

Burnout doesn't just appear out of nowhere; it's the result of a complex interplay of factors. Recognizing that burnout doesn’t happen in isolation is crucial for addressing it effectively. Think about how a plant might wilt. It’s not just the lack of water that causes it to droop; it could be poor soil, too much sunlight, or even pests. Similarly, burnout is often the culmination of various environmental stressors and strains that build up over time (such as a culture of constant availability, unrealistic expectations, and a lack of meaningful recognition) in combination with personality factors like perfectionism or difficulty setting boundaries. Additionally, stressors outside of work, such as family pressures or financial concerns, can also contribute and compound the sense of being overwhelmed.

Personality risk factors

While anyone can experience burnout, certain personality characteristics can increase our susceptibility to burnout. By fostering self-awareness and developing coping strategies, we can mitigate these risks and promote long-term well-being. Here are some key personality factors that elevate the risk of burnout:

1. Perfectionism: Perfectionists set exceedingly high standards for themselves and others. They often struggle with the fear of making mistakes, which can lead to chronic stress and a sense of inadequacy when those high standards are not met. This relentless pursuit of perfection can deplete emotional and physical energy, paving the way for burnout.

2. Type A Personality: Individuals with Type A personalities are typically competitive, highly organized, and ambitious. They thrive on achievement but often do so at the expense of their well-being. Their constant drive to succeed and their inability to relax can lead to prolonged stress and eventual burnout.

3. High Need for Control: People who have a strong need for control may find it difficult to delegate tasks or accept help from others. This trait can result in taking on too much responsibility, leading to overwhelming workloads and increased stress levels, which contribute to burnout.

4. Low Resilience: Resilience refers to the ability to bounce back from adversity. Individuals with low resilience may have difficulty coping with stress and setbacks, making them more prone to experiencing burnout when faced with ongoing challenges and pressures.

5. High Empathy: While empathy is a valuable trait, those who are highly empathetic, such as healthcare providers or therapists, may find themselves emotionally drained by the constant need to care for others. This emotional exhaustion can significantly increase the risk of burnout.

6. Pessimism: A pessimistic outlook can exacerbate feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, which are central to burnout. Pessimists may perceive their efforts as futile, leading to decreased motivation and increased stress.

7. Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may doubt their abilities and worth, leading them to overcompensate by working harder and longer to prove themselves. This constant need for validation can result in chronic stress and burnout.

WorkPLACE Risk Factors

Christina Maslach’s research has broken down key sources of burnout within the workplace. According to her research, the sources of burnout can be systemic, and categorized into six main areas:

1. Workload

   • Excessive workload is one of the primary contributors to burnout. When the demands of the job exceed a person’s capacity to meet them, it can lead to chronic stress and eventual burnout.

2. Control

   • Lack of control over one's work can lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration. When we feel we have little influence over our tasks, schedules, or work environment, it diminishes our sense of autonomy and increases stress.

3. Reward

   • Inadequate recognition and reward for effort and accomplishments can undermine motivation, leading to feelings of being undervalued and unappreciated.

4. Community

   • Poor relationships and lack of support within the workplace contribute to burnout. A lack of a supportive community can lead to feelings of isolation and conflict, which exacerbate stress and emotional exhaustion.

5. Fairness

   • Perceived inequity and unfair treatment in the workplace can lead to resentment, disengagement, and undermined trust and morale.

6. Values

   • A misalignment between an individual's values and the values of the organization can lead to ethical stress and inner conflict, and eventual dissatisfaction and burnout.

Preventing & addressing Burnout

Preventing burnout requires proactive measures that address both personal habits and workplace culture. By implementing research-informed strategies at both the individual and organizational levels, burnout can be effectively prevented, promoting a healthier and more productive work environment that allows for balance, recognition, and real rest.

BURNOUT PREVENTION & MANAGEMENT ON AN INDIVIDUAL LEVEL

1. Practice Mindfulness and Stress Reduction Techniques Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and yoga, have been shown to reduce stress and enhance emotional regulation, and decrease burnout symptoms in employees.

2. Develop Healthy Work-Life Balance Establishing clear boundaries between work and personal life is crucial. Research suggests that engaging in leisure activities and hobbies outside of work can mitigate burnout. The key is to ensure that time away from work is truly restful and rejuvenating.

3. Foster Social Support Networks Strong social support from family, friends, and colleagues can act as a buffer against stress. Studies indicate that individuals who have robust support networks are less likely to experience burnout. Regularly connecting with supportive people can provide emotional sustenance and practical assistance.

4. Engage in Regular Physical Activity Exercise is a well-documented method for reducing stress and improving mood. Physical activity stimulates the production of endorphins, which are natural mood lifters. Even moderate exercise, such as walking or cycling, can help prevent burnout.

5. Seek Professional Help When Needed Therapy and counseling can provide individuals with the tools to manage stress and burnout effectively.

BURNOUT PREVENTION & MANAGEMENT FOR ORGANIZATIONS

1. Promote a Healthy Work Environment Creating a supportive and healthy work environment is paramount. This includes ensuring adequate lighting, comfortable office spaces, and access to healthy food options. The World Health Organization emphasizes that a healthy work environment can reduce the risk of burnout.

2. Encourage Workload Management Organizations should monitor and manage employee workloads to prevent excessive stress. Implementing flexible work hours and allowing remote work can help employees maintain a better work-life balance. Research shows that employees with manageable workloads are less likely to experience burnout.

3. Provide Professional Development Opportunities Offering opportunities for professional growth and development can keep employees engaged and motivated. This can include training programs, workshops, and career advancement opportunities. Employees who feel valued and see a clear path for career progression are less likely to burn out.

4. Implement Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) EAPs provide employees with access to counseling and support services. These programs can help employees manage personal and professional stressors. Research indicates that EAPs can reduce absenteeism, improve job satisfaction, and decrease burnout.

5. Foster a Culture of Open Communication Encouraging open and honest communication within the organization can help identify and address issues before they lead to burnout. Regular check-ins, feedback sessions, and an open-door policy can create a supportive atmosphere where employees feel heard and valued.

From Burned out to resourced

Burnout is a multifaceted issue that impacts individuals both personally and professionally. Recognizing that burnout arises from a combination of individual vulnerabilities and environmental stressors is crucial. It's not solely about personal resilience; the organizational environment plays a significant role in either exacerbating or alleviating burnout. By acknowledging this, we can better address the root causes and implement effective strategies. Whether through personal self-care routines, organizational changes, or professional support, there are numerous ways to combat burnout and foster a healthier, more productive work-life balance. Addressing both the individual and systemic factors is essential for long-term well-being and job satisfaction.

References

Bakker, A. B., & Demerouti, E. (2017). Job demands-resources theory: Taking stock and looking forward. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 22(3), 273-285. https://doi.org/10.1037/ocp0000056

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.

Bianchi, R., Schonfeld, I. S., & Laurent, E. (2015). Burnout-depression overlap: A review. Clinical Psychology Review, 36, 28-41. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2015.01.004

Hill, A. P., & Curran, T. (2016). Multidimensional perfectionism and burnout: A meta-analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 20(3), 269-288. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868315596286

Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. New York: Hyperion.

Lee, R. T., & Ashforth, B. E. (1996). A meta-analytic examination of the correlates of the three dimensions of job burnout. Journal of Applied Psychology, 81(2), 123-133. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-9010.81.2.123

Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: Recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103-111. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20311

Mayo Clinic. (2021). Job burnout: How to spot it and take action. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/burnout/art-20046642

Schaufeli, W. B., & Bakker, A. B. (2004). Job demands, job resources, and their relationship with burnout and engagement: A multi-sample study. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 25(3), 293-315. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.248

Shirom, A. (2003). Job-related burnout: A review. Handbook of Occupational Health Psychology, 245-264. https://doi.org/10.1037/10474-012

Swider, B. W., & Zimmerman, R. D. (2010). Born to burnout: A meta-analytic path model of personality, job burnout, and work outcomes. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 76(3), 487-506. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jvb.2010.01.003

World Health Organization. (n.d.). Healthy workplaces: a model for action. Retrieved from https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789241599313

Love, Bonding, & Conflict: Understanding Attachment Styles

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

We are wired for connection to others. Relationships can give our lives such meaning, joy, and fulfillment, and help us to meet our emotional, spiritual, intellectual, creative, and physical needs. Yet we are often left bewildered as to why our relationships can cause us such pain - and why we can act in such unhelpful ways in response to conflict with the people we care most about. Attachment theory is an empirically-supported framework that can help shed light on how and why we experience struggle (or peace of mind) within our most important relationships. Understanding the role of our attachment style in our relationships can help relieve of us of the shame and confusion that often comes when we experience unexpected pain and difficulty with our loved ones. It can also offer us a roadmap, pointing us towards what we need, and what we can do, when facing relationship troubles.

Attachment Theory

According to attachment theory, our bonds (attachments) to important people in our lives are influenced by our earliest of relationships – the relationship we had with our parents or caregivers (whomever we felt closely bonded to and were raised by) when we were infants. These are the very first relationships that we experience in life, and are thought to act as our first model of relationship. They shape how we believe relationships work and how we respond to intimacy (as well as the threat of loss of intimacy), thus powerfully affecting how we experience the close relationships that emerge and evolve later throughout our adult lives.

John Bowlby is famously known for developing attachment theory, which posits that there is an evolutionary impetus for the infant’s bond with her parent or caregiver, given the complete reliance on the caregiver for survival. Attachment theory was expanded upon, and provided with further empirical support by Mary Ainsworth, who is known for the Strange Situation Classification studies that she conducted. These studies suggested that based upon how our caregivers responded to us as infants, we develop certain “attachment styles,” or ways of attaching to others and reacting to relationship threat. It was found that infants responded in one out of four possible ways (secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure-ambivalent, and disorganized) when they were separated from and then reunited with their mothers, based on the degree of security they experienced within the relationship.

ATTACHMENT STYLES

Attachment styles are the relational patterns that can explain many of the perplexing ways we act in relationships even as adults. It can be helpful to think of attachment styles as learned cognitive, emotional, and behavioral tendencies that occur within intimate relationships, which are likely the result of exposure to certain environmental conditions (i.e. certain family, caregiver, or parenting behaviors), as well as (possibly) genetic factors, such as the temperament we are born with. Attachment styles also tend to be intergenerational (passed on from generation to generation).

In a nutshell, based on the Strange Situation Test studies, behaviors demonstrated by infants when separated and reunited with their mothers were classified as having the following attachment styles:

• Secure attachment: When their mother was nearby, securely attached infants felt safe and secure enough to explore the novel surroundings and play. When separated, infants demonstrated distress, and when their mother returned, they sought contact with her and were soothed, then resumed play. It was found that securely-attached infants tended to have mothers that were available, responsive and attentive to the infant’s needs, meeting them in an appropriate manner.

• Insecure-ambivalent attachment: When their mother was nearby, insecure-ambivalently attached infants remained in closer proximity to their mothers, and evidenced some levels of distress even before being separated. When separated, these infants demonstrated significant levels of distress. When reunited, infants appeared both ambivalent towards their mother – both upset and angry with her (protesting at her having left), but also anxious about her leaving again in the future. Thus, it took them longer to feel soothed and safe again. Infants with an insecure-ambivalent attachment style tend to have had parents who unpredictably vacillated between being responsive and available, to unavailable, rejecting, or unresponsive. As a result of the unpredictability, the security and safety of the attachment figure and bond is compromised, and infants feel anxious and uncertain about whether or not their needs will be met.

• Insecure-avoidant attachment: When their mother was nearby, insecure-avoidantly attached infants paid little attention to her, and also explored or played in the environment less. When separated from their mother, they evidenced little to no distress. When their mother returned, they tended to ignore or appear unaffected by her presence. They tended to avoid physical contact or find it aversive. It was found that avoidantly attached individuals tended to have mothers who were either predictably unavailable, cold, or rejecting (thus, the infant learned to emotionally distance themselves from the mother in order to cope with distress caused by experiencing their needs as consistently unmet), or mothers who were overly intrusive (causing high levels of distress, causing the infant to distance to regulate a sense of emotional overwhelm). Despite acting unphased by the absence or presence of their mothers, later research found that these infants only outwardly showed no distress, but had increased heart rate and other evidence of internal emotional distress.

• Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment: This fourth level of attachment classification was developed by Mary Ainsworth’s graduate student, Mary Main. During the Strange Situation Test, infants’s responses to their mothers lacked coherence, and were demonstrated in “unorganized” or contradictory ways. Infants might act overtly fearful, confused, dazed, dissociated, or frozen. Infants with disorganized attachment tended to have experienced an inconsistent and dysregulating style of caregiving, including exposure to some form of interpersonal trauma or abuse, that taught the infant that relationships are unsafe. The need and desire to connect and bond with others remains, but closeness and intimacy with others can feel overwhelmingly threatening.

ATTACHMENT STYLES AND RELATIONSHIPS

Similar to infant attachment styles, adult attachment styles are related to the level of predictability in availability, responsiveness, and nurturing we receive from our partners. In adults, attachment styles influence how we may interact with our partners because they act as a lens through which we see and experience relationships, and how safe and secure we assume relationships typically are. Research by Shaver and Hazan supports the notion that we often behave with our adult romantic partners in a similar fashion to how we responded with our caregivers as infants. The four main attachment styles observed in adult relationships are (1) a secure attachment style, (2) anxious-preoccupied attachment style, (3) dismissive-avoidant attachment style, and (4) fearful-avoidant attachment style. People with secure attachment tend to have experienced caregivers who acted in predictable, empathically attuned, supportive, and respectful ways; thus, securely attached adults typically feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness. People with anxious-preoccupied attachment tend to have had caregivers who acted in an unpredictable and inconsistent manner - at times offering love, at times acting distantly or in a rejecting manner, often without warning - thus, anxious-preoccupied adults tend to experience anxiety and preoccupation within their partnerships. People with avoidance-dismissive attachment tend to have experienced caregivers who either acted intrusively (like “helicopter parenting”), or uninterested and aloof; avoidantly attached adults tend prioritize space within relationships, and shut down or detach more easily when they feel threatened or encroached upon. People with fearful/avoidant attachment tend to have had caregivers who were unpredictable, emotionally volatile, and/or abusive; thus, they tend to experience significant emotional dysregulation within their relationships.

Our experience of any intimate, close relationship may be influenced by our attachment style. When it comes romantic relationships, our attachment style is likely to be activated and interact with our partner’s attachment style once we develop a sense of emotional intimacy. The reality is that we will often encounter others in our lives who do not share our attachment style, and at times, our differing attachment styles will themselves become the source of conflict. However, it is important to keep in mind that no attachment style is inherently “right” or “wrong.” Our attachment styles developed as adaptations to the particular demands of the relational environment that we were brought up within. So, in order to improve our ability to practice empathy, understanding, and recognition of differing attachment styles, here is a description that of how it can “feel” to have each attachment style, in the first-person using plain language:

• Secure Adult Attachment: My relationship with myself, and my relationships with others, are often a source of joy and satisfaction. Of course things aren’t perfect, but overall, I feel that my relationships provide me with a firm and solid foundation - they contribute to the sense of stability in my life, and support my personal growth. I know I am connected to those who love me, even when I am not there with them. Periods of separation by time or physical distance feels comfortable because I know and trust that I will be reconnected with my loved ones again within a reasonable time-frame. I also know I am free to be me, able to honor and express who I authentically am, because I know those in my life will consistently respond to me with acceptance, love and respect. I can trust that my boundaries and needs will be honored. Furthermore, I am able to take responsibility and ownership for mistakes and shortcomings because I can trust that my close relationships will remain a safe haven despite my imperfections - I will not be abandoned or abused for messing up. Thus, I can trust in myself, others, and in life. This makes me feel safe enough to freely venture out and pursue what I want out of life.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: I very much want to be in relationships, and crave feeling close to those I care about. The problem is, I can't trust others to be there for me when I need them, at least not consistently. Sometimes I feel more stable when I am not in a relationship. Once I get involved with someone, I can become overly-fixated on my partner, because I can’t stop thinking about or talking about them, especially once I develop feelings. If we aren’t together, this can feel emotionally painful, leaving me feeling incomplete or like something is missing in life. There is a part of me that believes I will be left desperate and alone unless I give all that I am, but I often try to hide this from you, or myself, because the last thing I want is to be considered needy. The reality is, I lose myself in you because on some level, it does feel that without you, I don’t have air I need to breathe. I know what it is like to have been abandoned by others, and by the world, and unfortunately, I have learned to also abandon myself in the service of creating or preventing the loss of connection. This makes it really difficult for me to respect your boundaries and needs for space, as well as my own boundaries. When I perceive space between us, this feels like distance - like disconnection - and it can lead me to panic. Your need to take space can feel personal - like you no longer want me. That’s why I can get angry and act out sometimes, even when you come back. My inner foundation or sense of self can be wobbly and shifting when I am in relationship, because my sense of satisfaction and security depends upon how well I think you are treating me. Often, I do not feel safe unless I'm in your arms, and that makes me feel powerless sometimes because you are not always there, or do not always seem to want to hold me.

• Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment: I consider myself to be a very independent person, and you won’t often (or ever) catch me saying that I need others. I’ve learned to rely on myself, and I’m proud of that. But sometimes I do lose myself in fantasies of what it might like to be with the perfect partner - someone who is like me, who doesn’t have many needs, and who likes to have a lot of personal space! Personal space is of paramount importance, and I’m not always sure why, but I might often think that it is just because I’m independent, and others need too much. However, when I really reflect on my desire for personal space, I might admit that sometimes I get lonely too, or feel disconnected and dissatisfied, but I am not fully certain as to why. Sometimes people have said that I have difficulty letting others in. In my opinion, you must be very special for me to let you in. And maybe I am not letting you in because I feel suffocated when you get too close? The reality is, when others get close to me, there is a part of me that is afraid I might lose myself in your demands for closeness - that I might have to give up who I truly am, or let you “invade” not just my space, but my sense of who I am. I have had others try to invade me before, or completely ignore me - both of those responses taught me to not have needs in relationship, and to take care of myself. So when you push a relationship with me, it feels like you are trying to put your needs on me, while also trying to take "me" away. All the while, I can never give you enough of me - it seems like you truly want me to give you more than I am capable of offering. When you call out my tendency to take space and distance, this feels overwhelming, and also can annoy me - you don’t realize you are pushing me away by not respecting my independence and freedom. When you encroach upon who I am, I will push back against you and then shut down or flee. You will not catch me — I am not willing to compromise my freedom or sense of self to stay connected. I do not truly feel safe in the world, because it feels like it might consume me. I fight back against this part of my reality by always following the path of freedom, or at the very least, fleeing and escaping the world’s grasp before it can catch me.  

• Fearful/Avoidant Attachment: I am not really sure who I am, or how I feel about relationships… especially romantic ones. Relationships are incredibly confusing and disorienting. I feel thrust back and forth between ecstatic heights and devastating lows in relationships. It can be so exhilarating that I crave connection like a drug, but so exhausting and damaging that it can take quite a while to recover. Sometimes I love you (you can seem like to best person in the world to me), sometimes I hate you (because you have hurt or betrayed me, and I can’t trust you anymore) - I tend to live in these extremes - but I’m just as whipped around by these extremes as you are. It is automatic, and it can often make me feel ashamed by how unpredictably I might feel or act towards you. I question what’s wrong with me, and I can be extremely hard on myself (and others). The problem is, I’ve been let down by people in my life, again and again. Opening myself to the connection and love I truly need, has always caused me such disappointment and despair. Others have not treated me well throughout my life. I’ve never had a chance to feel truly safe in relationships with others, and I’ve also never felt safe within the relationship with myself. The world feels unsafe too - there’s a lot of pain and chaos, and often no one to reliably turn towards. This can make life a living hell. I truly want to have better, and do better, I’m just not sure I can have it or deserve it.

What You Can DO

Thus far, we have touched on how each attachment style may act as a different “lens” or way of viewing and experiencing relationships. Relationships either experienced as reliably safe, or not, depending upon the experiences we’ve had with those who played significant roles in our lives. The lens associated with each particular attachment style influences how we perceive our partners, and how we automatically attempt to ensure that relational needs are met. When our attachment style-driven needs clash with those of our partners, it can be incredibly painful and confusing - because each person’s needs are valid, despite being different - yet also, not compatible during the heat of the moment. Partnerships between anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners can be particularly difficult, as each partner’s style of responding to conflict (pursuit of closeness, avoidance of closeness, respectively) can further activate distress and problematic responding in the other.

When we think that our needs may not be met in our partnerships, we may blame our partner for being unable to meet these needs, and then double-down with whatever behavior our attachment style encourages us to lose ourselves in. Rarely does this lead to a successful outcome. Rather than blaming our partner for being unable to meet our needs, it can be helpful to view the our attachment styles as out of sync. Learn to see that the problem as “being out of sync,” not your partner. If you or your partner do not have a secure attachment style, this will be particularly important (and also challenging). The good news is that attachment styles don’t have to determine our relationship-patterns for the rest of our lives. It is possible for them to change if we are exposed to other relational models throughout our life (such as being in a relationship with a securely-attached person), or if we commit to developing a more secure attachment style ourselves within the context of therapy or another safe place that assists us in completing this kind of inner personal work. If we do not commit to learning about, and practicing the adoption of a more securely attached way of relating to our partners or other close loved ones, typically, these relational-models will continue to operate in our lives unchanged, and potentially indefinitely hijack our relationship experiences.

In my work with clients, understanding the role of attachment in our relationships can be an incredibly important first step towards reducing blame and judgment towards themselves or their partner. It is no one’s fault that they have a particular attachment style, but learning how to meet the needs of that particular attachment style, and more accurately understand and assess the needs of their partner, can be invaluable. With the development of self-awareness and a lot of intentional practice, we can learn how to move into a more securely attached style of relating to one another. In a sense, it is important not only to establish secure bonding with loved ones, but also with ourselves. Ultimately, we can feel more grounded, open, and receptive to love if we have established a secure base of consistently loving, warm, and supportive attention that we have learned to direct towards ourselves.

FURTHER READING

If you are interested in learning more about attachment styles, here are a few books that you may consider reading:

“Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

“Attachment Theory Workbook: Why is your attachment type impacting upon your happiness in relationships? Discover how to identify who is right for you and help to heal your wounds.” by David Lawson, PhD

“The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools to Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, and Build Lasting Relationships” by Annie Chen, LMFT

“Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Susan Johnson, EdD

REFERENCES

Ainsworth, M. S. (1979). Infant–mother attachment. American psychologist, 34(10), 932.

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Psychology Press.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model. Journal of personality and social psychology, 61(2), 226.

Bowlby, J., Fry, M., Ainsworth, M. D. S., & World Health Organization. (1965). Child care and the growth of love.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin.

Jones, J. D., Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2015). Parents’ self-reported attachment styles: A review of links with parenting behaviors, emotions, and cognitions. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(1), 44-76.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281.

Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. (1987) `Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process', Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52: 511-524.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown.