Repairing Hurt In Relationships: How Attachment Theory Can Help

Conflict in Relationships

Conflict is a normal - and inevitable! - part of any relationship. Whenever there are different viewpoints, desires, or needs, there is the potential for conflict, particularly when we perceive our conflicting opinions or needs as incompatible.

The presence of conflict is not necessarily harmful, nor does it indicate anything inherently problematic about our relationships. However, the way that we respond to conflict, and attempt to repair the effects of conflict, matters significantly.

Conflict can often be resolved through communication, negotiation, compromise, and mutual understanding. When conflicts are approached constructively, they can strengthen relationships by building trust and intimacy.

Despite our best attempts to resolve conflict well, when emotions are heightened, it can be difficult to offer our better selves. Things can go awry quickly, and cause with painful feelings of disconnect and broken trust. Poorly managed conflict can lead to a relationship rupture. A relationship rupture is a significant breakdown in the bond between people, causing feelings of betrayal, hurt, mistrust, or disconnection. Ruptures can significantly damage feelings of safety and closeness within our relationships.

If relationship ruptures happen often, conflict can feel like a dreaded, rather than healthy, part of relationships. This can contribute to even greater conflict avoidance and/or negative reactivity to conflict.

Attachment theory can help demystify why we might run into repeated difficulty with conflict, and experience more frequent ruptures. If we better understand how attachment styles affect our patterns of conflict, then we may be able to take a more informed approach to repairing ruptures that better aligns with our (and our loved one’s) needs.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory emphasizes the importance of early relationships in shaping our ability to form and maintain healthy emotional connections. According to attachment theory, the way we bond with our caregivers in childhood influences our attachment styles as adults, affecting how we relate to others, especially in times of conflict.

Attachment Styles and Conflict

1. Secure Attachment:

Approximately 50-60% of the population has a secure attachment style. Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to trust others, feel comfortable with intimacy, and are generally more adept at managing conflicts. They are more likely to seek resolution and repair ruptures effectively. Individuals with a secure attachment style typically approach conflict with a calm and balanced mindset. They are comfortable with intimacy and trust, which allows them to communicate openly and honestly during disagreements. Securely attached people are likely to express their feelings clearly, listen to their partner's perspective, and work collaboratively to find a solution. They view conflict as a natural part of relationships and are confident in their ability to resolve issues without fear of losing the connection.

During an argument, a securely attached person might say, "I feel hurt when you cancel our plans last minute. Can we talk about how we can avoid this in the future?" They are open to hearing their partner’s side and willing to compromise to reach a mutual understanding.

2. Anxious Attachment:

About 15-25% of the population has an anxious attachment style. Those with an anxious attachment style may fear abandonment and seek frequent reassurance. They often experience heightened emotions during conflict. They may fear abandonment or rejection, leading them to become overly preoccupied with the relationship. This can result in a tendency to seek reassurance and/or to escalate the conflict in an attempt to test the security of the relationship. People with an anxious attachment style might struggle with expressing their needs directly and may instead resort to passive-aggressive behavior or anxious, angry, or critical ways of communicating.

In a conflict, an anxiously attached person might say, "You never spend enough time with me. Do you even care about this relationship?" Their approach may come across as demanding or overly critical, and is often accompanied by seeking immediate reassurance from their partner that the security of the relationship is intact.

3. Avoidant Attachment:

Approximately 15-25% of the population has an avoidant attachment style. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may value independence over intimacy and tend to withdraw during conflicts. They might struggle with addressing emotional issues directly, and tend to distance themselves during conflict. They might feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may prefer to avoid discussing difficult topics. This can lead to withdrawal, shutting down communication, or even walking away from the situation entirely. Avoidantly attached individuals often prioritize independence and may view conflict as a threat to their autonomy.

When faced with a disagreement, an avoidantly attached person might say, "I don’t want to talk about this right now," and then retreat into silence or busy themselves with other activities. This avoidance can create further tension and feelings of abandonment for their partner. Unresolved issues can linger and contribute to feelings of resentment over time.

4. Disorganized Attachment:

About 5-10% of the population has a disorganized attachment style. This style is characterized by unpredictable responses to conflict within relationships. People with a disorganized attachment style often experience conflicting feelings about closeness and distance. They might have difficulty managing their emotions and can alternate between seeking comfort and pushing their partner away. This inconsistency can make conflict especially challenging, because it can feel unpredictable and confusing for both themselves and their partner.

During a conflict, a person with a disorganized attachment style might oscillate between saying, "I need you to be here for me," and "Just leave me alone!" This push-pull dynamic can feel chaotic and emotionally charged.

Steps to Repair Relationship Ruptures

When we are able to recognize the role of attachment styles in our own patterns of conflict, we can more clearly work towards strengthening the skills that help us repair relationship ruptures in healthier ways. Listed below are guidelines for repairing ruptures more effectively, with suggestions for individuals with each attachment style.

1. Recognize and Reflect

It is essential to pause and reflect on what happened after the relationship rupture, taking the time to identify the specific actions or words that contributed to the conflict (it can help to write this down for the sake of clarity). Practice perspective-taking and empathy, reflecting on how your partner’s sense of security and trust may have been impacted as well.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be inclined to downplay the significance of the rupture or your loved one’s difficult emotions, in order to avoid your feelings of overwhelm or discomfort.

However, it's essential to pause and consciously acknowledge that minimizing conflict, dismissing your partner’s feelings, withdrawing, or reacting defensively will work against you, and damage your partner’s trust.

Try to break down the conflict into manageable parts to make it feel less daunting. Start by identifying the primary areas of disagreement. For example, issues might include clashing communication styles, unmet expectations, or unmet emotional needs.

Practice perspective-taking, and ask yourself, "What was my partner feeling, and what might they have needed?" Challenge yourself to think about the positive aspects of the relationship, and how addressing this conflict may improve your relationship in the long run.

In the long-term, consider whether you are willing to gradually work on becoming more comfortable with emotional intimacy and conflict. Each small step you take to build tolerance of emotional closeness and vulnerability matters significantly, and increases your ability to maintain healthy and satisfying relationships.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may immediately feel panicked and fear abandonment when a rupture occurs. Anger related to feelings of betrayal or abandonment may also surge.

If anxiety or anger becomes difficult to disentangle from, practice at least 5-10 minutes of slow, diaphragmatic breaths to help regulate your autonomic nervous system. Then, commit to reflecting on the situation so that you can arrive at a balanced perspective.

You may consider using CBT strategies, such as decatastrophizing techniques, to help you more accurately assess the level of threat tied to the conflict. Decatastrophizing techniques are intended to help us more objectively reinterpret our concerns and respond to them in more effective ways.

For example, write down your responses to the following decatastrophizing prompts:

“What is the worst-case scenario, best-case scenario, and most likely scenario?

What kind of response would be helpful if the ‘most likely’ scenario is true?

If the worst-case scenario were to happen, what actionable steps could I take to care for my needs, receive support, and make it through this to the other side?”

It may also be helpful to purposefully think through, and write down, alternative explanations for your partner or loved one’s behavior. Reminding yourself of the positive aspects and strengths of your relationship can help to counterbalance the emotional impact of recent conflict.

Finally, it is important to identify your needs and boundaries, so that you can be prepared to express them effectively.

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might feel conflicted or paralyzed by the rupture, uncertain whether to confront it or withdraw.

It’s important to create a safe space for reflection, perhaps by journaling or speaking with a trusted friend or therapist. For example, while working with a therapist, you might reflect on the sequence of events involved in the conflict, and identify the specific triggers for feelings of confusion or emotional overwhelm.

It is not uncommon for our responses to conflict to be influenced by past traumatic experiences within relationships, and a therapist can also help you identify whether your reaction may be influenced past trauma.

Learning how to compassionately acknowledge fears that are activated within our closest relationships can be an important first step towards lessening their control over our reactions, and pave the way for learning how to effectively communicate your needs and emotions clearly.

Over time, it is possible to build a sense of security within your relationship while working through the conflict.

Secure Attachment: If you're securely attached, you might naturally acknowledge and reflect on ruptures. Even if the issue seems minor, taking the time to reflect on your emotions and actions will reinforce your ability to respond to conflict effectively..

2. Open a Compassionate Dialogue

Once you've identified the source of the rupture, the next step is to open a dialogue with your partner.

Approach the conversation with empathy, aiming to understand your partner's perspective without rushing to defend yourself or fix the problem immediately.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.” Consider writing down what you’d like to say, so that you can read or reference your notes when discussing your concerns with your partner. Encourage your partner to share their feelings as well, and to make sure they have a chance to feel heard and validated.

If you begin to feel overwhelmed when communicating with your partner, let them know that repairing the conflict is important to you, and that in order to do that well, you need to take a break to self-regulate. Let your partner know that you will return to work through the issue. Try to provide a reasonable time estimate, such as 30 minutes, and stick to it, so that your partner is less likely to feel abandoned.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant style, opening up a dialogue might feel like exposing yourself to criticism.

Prioritize understanding your partner, rather than defending yourself.

For example, instead of saying, "I didn’t think it was a big deal," try, "I want to understand how my actions affected you, even if I didn’t see it that way initially."

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, you might fear that the conversation could lead to further conflict or rejection.

Before engaging, practice calming techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness to soothe your nerves.

When you start the conversation, use “I” statements, such as, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style may struggle with maintaining a calm and coherent dialogue due to conflicting emotions.

To help with this, consider writing down your thoughts beforehand or even creating a “communication script” to keep the conversation focused.

For example, plan to say, “I’m feeling a lot of different emotions about what happened, and I’d like to talk through them with you.”

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals often excel in opening compassionate dialogues. Ensure that you continue to listen actively to your partner and validate their feelings.

You might say, “I noticed we were both upset earlier, and I want to make sure we’re both okay now. How are you feeling about what happened?”

3. Take Responsibility and Offer a Sincere Apology

Taking responsibility for our part in the rupture is key to repairing and restoring trust within our relationships. Offer a sincere apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings and the impact of your actions.

For example, “I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and that was not my intention.”

Avoidant Attachment: Apologizing might make you feel vulnerable, as it can seem like a loss of control. To reframe this, remind yourself that taking responsibility is a strength, not a weakness.

You might say, “I’m sorry for my reaction earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and I’m committed to working on this.” This approach allows you to take ownership while maintaining your sense of self.

Anxious Attachment: With an anxious attachment style, you might be quick to apologize, sometimes even for things that aren’t your fault, out of a fear of losing your partner. It’s important to apologize sincerely, but also ensure that you’re only taking responsibility for your own actions.

For instance, say, “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier, but I’d also like to talk about how we can both communicate better next time.”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might struggle with offering a coherent apology due to inner conflict. To help with this, take time to process your feelings first, perhaps with a supportive friend or therapist. When you’re ready, offer an apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings, such as, “I’m sorry for how I acted. I realize it was confusing, and I’m working on understanding my own feelings better.”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often find it easier to apologize because they are confident in their relationships. Continue to offer sincere apologies that acknowledge the impact of your actions, like, “I’m really sorry for interrupting you earlier. I didn’t realize how it made you feel unheard, and I’ll be more mindful in the future.”

4. Create a Plan for Moving Forward

After acknowledging the rupture and apologizing, it’s important to collaborate with your partner on a plan to prevent similar issues in the future. Discuss what each of you needs to feel secure and understood moving forward. Set clear expectations and boundaries that respect both partners’ needs. For example, you might agree to check in with each other regularly or establish a “time-out” signal for when emotions run high.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, the idea of making a plan might feel restrictive or unnecessary.

However, collaborating with your partner can actually strengthen your autonomy by establishing clear boundaries and expectations.

You might agree to regular check-ins or create a “time-out” signal when things get heated, ensuring both partners feel secure without feeling trapped.

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, creating a plan might feel like a way to regain security in the relationship, but it’s important to ensure the plan is balanced and respects both partners’ needs.

For example, you might suggest, “Let’s agree to check in with each other every evening, but also give each other space when we need it.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style might find it challenging to stick to a plan due to inconsistent feelings.

It can be helpful to start small and build consistency over time. You might begin with something simple, like setting aside 10 minutes each day to discuss how you’re both feeling, gradually building trust in the process.

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals are typically comfortable with creating and following through on plans. Use this strength to ensure the plan is clear and mutually agreed upon, like, “Let’s set aside some time each week to talk about how things are going and what we can do to support each other.”

5. Rebuild Trust Through Consistency and Patience

Repairing a relationship rupture is not a one-time event but an ongoing process. In order to rebuild and strengthen trust, it is crucial to remain consistent in our words and actions, and patience with our partner’s healing process. Demonstrate reliability and follow through on any commitments made during your discussions. Trust is rebuilt through small, consistent actions that reinforce your commitment to the relationship.

Avoidant Attachment: Rebuilding trust might feel uncomfortable because it requires consistent emotional availability, which can be challenging for individuals with avoidant attachment.

Focus on small, manageable steps, like consistently following through on promises or being present during important conversations. Remind yourself that this consistency will strengthen your relationship without compromising your independence.

Anxious Attachment: For those with an anxious attachment style, trust might need more frequent reassurance.

It’s important to communicate your needs clearly while also recognizing your partner’s efforts. You might say, “I really appreciate when you check in with me during the day—it helps me feel secure.”

Disorganized Attachment: With a disorganized attachment style, you might find it difficult to be consistent due to fluctuating emotions.

Work on maintaining small, consistent actions, like sending a daily message to your partner or setting regular times to connect. Gradual consistency can help rebuild trust and create a sense of stability.

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals usually find it natural to be consistent and patient in rebuilding trust.

Continue to demonstrate reliability and be patient with your partner’s healing process. You might say, “I know trust takes time to rebuild, and I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to make sure you feel secure.”

6. Practice Self-Care and Self-Reflection

Lastly, maintaining a healthy relationship requires ongoing self-care and self-reflection. Taking care of your own emotional well-being ensures that you can show up as your best self in your relationships. Engage in regular self-care activities that help you manage stress and stay emotionally balanced. If you find certain patterns challenging, consider seeking support from a therapist.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant attachment style, self-care might involve activities that allow for independence, such as solo hobbies or mindfulness practices. However, it’s also important to reflect on how your need for space impacts your partner.

Consider integrating practices that help you stay emotionally present, like journaling about your feelings or setting aside time for regular self-reflection.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may benefit from self-care activities that help regulate emotions, such as meditation, yoga, or therapy.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider how they affect your relationships. For example, you might ask yourself, “How can I practice patience and trust without needing constant reassurance?”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, self-care might involve finding ways to calm and regulate your emotions, such as through therapy, meditation, or creative outlets like art or writing.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider seeking professional support to navigate complex emotions. Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel more grounded and secure in my relationships?”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often have a good balance between self-care and relationship care.

Continue to practice self-reflection and ensure that you’re taking care of your own emotional needs while being present for your partner. You might ask yourself, “Am I maintaining a healthy balance between my own needs and my partner’s needs?”

Conclusion

Repairing ruptures within relationships is a critical skill that can lead to stronger, more resilient connections. By understanding and applying attachment theory, we can better navigate conflicts and foster healthy, enduring relationships. Rise Psychology offers support and strategies to help you develop these essential skills and improve your relational health. For personalized guidance and more tips on repairing relational ruptures, reach out to us at Rise Psychology.

References:

- Bowlby, J. (1982). *Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment*. Basic Books.

- Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). *Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation*. Erlbaum.

- Johnson, S. M. (2019). *Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families*. The Guilford Press.

- Tatkin, S. (2016). *Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship*. New Harbinger Publications.

Helpful Ways of Approaching Expectations within Relationships

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

Throughout the course of our lives we develop many expectations about how we think our relationships should look and how others should treat us. Many of these expectations about relationships are so embedded in our way of thinking that they are hidden from our view and fall outside of conscious awareness, and yet these sometimes invisible (and not so invisible) expectations powerfully influence how we interact with and respond to one another. Unchecked expectations can run rampant, especially within the context of relationships, and run the risk of breeding resentment – not only in ourselves, but in our friends, family, and partner as well. But why is this? Isn’t it a healthy or “good” thing to hold high expectations of ourselves or others? To have high standards?

What Are Expectations?

To determine whether expectations are helpful or unhelpful, it’s often useful to start by clarifying what we mean when we use the word “expectation.” What is an expectation, really? The Oxford Dictionary defines expectation as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.” In other words, an expectation is an assumption that a certain event will occur: That A will lead to B (or put simply, A --> B). This is similar to a prediction, which is a calculation that a certain event is likely to occur in the future, based on facts or evidence. However, an expectation is different from a prediction in that it becomes conflated with assumption, which is “a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.” In the context of relationships, expectations are often unquestioned assumptions that someone ought to say or do something, rather than the informed prediction that they may. Expectations feel more like “rules,” rather than likelihoods. When rules are broken (A does NOT lead to B), a very different kind of reaction is evoked in us than when a simple likelihood does not pan out.

What Purpose Do Expectations Serve?

The meaning of expectation becomes much more complex when we consider the range possible functions that expectations may serve in our lives. We commonly experience an expectation not only as a belief or assumption that something should happen, but also as an attachment to (or corresponding emotional desire for) this particular outcome as well. We want it to happen, and are emotionally invested in it. Attachment to a particular outcome creates a negative emotional charge if we perceive that we didn’t get the outcome we are attached to.

Although attachment to outcome leads to painful emotional consequences if our expectations go unfulfilled, I would like to suggest that expectations or attachments are not universally harmful or “bad.” I believe there is nothing inherently bad or good about having “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future,” or having desire for a particular outcome. In my view, having expectations and attachment absolutely makes sense, especially when we consider what roles they serve from an evolutionary perspective.  

Expecting that something will happen in the future is an essential survival tool that humans possess, which stems from our cognitive ability to think and plan ahead. Future-oriented thinking and planning has aided us in rapidly advancing and evolving as a species for many reasons, but especially because it allows us to predict and avoid harmful or depriving situations. Attachment to certain outcomes creates the emotional drive and motivation to avoid harm and to pursue pleasure and safety. We often use expectations to help us determine whether aspects of our lives (such as our relationships, career, living situation, or environment, etc.) “measure up,” and if not, our attachment to a different outcome may help motivate us to create change.

In a sense, expectations become a form of judgment – an evaluative process informed by whether what we thought what “ought” to happen did. Much of the time, what we want or need influences what we believe should happen, especially within relationships. In this way, expectations are emotionally-driven beliefs about what we think needs to happen so that we can create lives that are happy, fulfilled, and keep us safe. From this perspective, it makes sense that when expectations go unmet, our minds automatically interpret this negatively and experience varying forms of intense emotional reactions that motivate us to correct the situation and move us back into a safe place, conducive for survival. Thus, in and of itself, expectation is not a “bad” thing, and can actually be helpful.

Indeed, expectations within relationships are commonplace and may be essential for creating healthy, safe, and supportive partnerships. Fitzpatrick and Sollie (1999) found that when participants in their study felt that their current relationship was close to what they would consider to be an ideal relationship, they reported greater levels relationship satisfaction, investment, and commitment to their partners. Our expectations often can reveal what we value and want to create within our relationships, and we tend to feel more satisfied when these expectations are met.

The Consequences of Unmet Expectations

That said, we can also get trapped in a vicious cycle when we do not have the awareness or tools we need for adaptively responding to unmet expectations. In a somewhat darkly revealing manner, the Oxford Dictionary illustrates how the word “expectation” may be used in a sentence, by providing the following example: “Reality has not lived up to expectations.” Not surprisingly, in defining expectation, we readily turn our minds to the painful experience of unmet expectations. Nearly all of us have felt the heavy drop of disappointment, and the sting of hurt, frustration, shame, or even rage that may come when reality sharply does not live up to our expectations (especially when it is a loved one has not lived up to our expectations and done what they “should”). Emotional wounding can be created from profoundly painful unmet expectations within relationships, particularly when unmet expectations leave us feeling intruded upon, neglected, betrayed, or abandoned.  Researchers have found that when expectations about connection, passion, and destiny go unmet, the satisfaction and commitment within relationships is undermined (Vannier & O’Sullivan, 2017). Sometimes, unmet expectations can be seen as a sign that we are not matched well with a partner. However, oftentimes, due to our social conditioning about romantic relationships, relationship expectations can be unrealistic or overly romantic in ways that make them almost impossible for a partner to meet, creating discontent and dissatisfaction. How many of us have expected that if our partner really loved us, they should be able to read our mind? Or that if we are in a “good” relationship, there should be very little to no conflict? Or that that for my partner to be my soulmate, my partner should enjoy the same activities I do, preferring to do them in the same way I do, and wanting to do them at the same time that I want? That my partner should know what I need, without my telling them? That the dishes should have been done already? And so on.

The problem with expectations in relationships is not that we have desires, needs, or boundaries (which are absolutely necessary for healthy relationship functioning), but rather, the problem is the emotional aftermath and suffering that happens when expectations go unseen, unquestioned, and are repeatedly unmet. Our minds almost always interpret and assign additional meaning to why unmet expectations occur, which compounds the emotional distress from feeling let down. Here are a few general examples of the possible emotional consequences of unmet expectations:

(1) Unmet expectations can lead me to feel as though the world is disorderly, chaotic, and/or does not make sense (because A did not lead to B, when I thought it had to). I may be left feeling confused or paralyzed because my expectations were logical rules that ordered chaos, and provided a sense of predictability that has now been stripped away.

(2) Unmet expectations can feel as though an unquestionable “rule” has been broken, leaving me with self-righteous anger or moral outrage in response to this perceived injustice, which may feel like a personal offense. Alternatively, I may question or mistrust others’ ability or willingness to “follow the rules.”

(3) Unmet expectations can feel as though I have been deprived of a critical resource because the thing I wanted and expected to happen did not (my desire or need has been blocked from me).

In response to the pain caused by these interpretations, our minds (often subconsciously) then try to determine how to address the source of unmet expectations. However, the process by which our minds try to “solve” the problem of unmet expectations is often by generating judgment-laden causal inferences about “why A is not leading to B,” which can then lead to a worsening spiral of painful emotions.

For example, if my partner has not met my expectation on a repeated basis and I am feeling emotionally distraught as a result, my mind is likely going to try to figure out why this is to try and fix it. Usually, when strong emotions are involved in the reasoning process, our minds tend to quickly jump to broad-sweeping conclusions and spend less time objectively evaluating the facts. Perhaps my partner and I really do see things differently, and hold different expectations. Usually, I am not likely to see this as acceptable – instead, I will perceive it as a threat and a problem. My mind will go into evaluative-mode and try to figure out why and what it must mean that they are not meeting my expectations. If you follow the trail of the mind’s automatic flow of thoughts you might find something like this… Why did they do this? Do they not care? Is there something wrong with how they see the world? Is there something wrong with who they are? Is there something wrong with me for expecting this? Do I expect too much? Is there something wrong with who I am? Within the context of close personal relationships, often a conclusion is made that about our partner’s or our own character. They (or I) must have done this because there is something wrong with them. There must be something flawed or bad about them (or me).

In sum, my mind has now concluded that the problem is that my partner is “bad” or “wrong” because I did not get what I expected. I essentially blame them for the frustration, disappointment, or sadness that comes from having my expectations unmet. Then, the “solution” is often to “fix or get rid of the problem (my partner).” Ouch! This line of thinking is strewn with judgments and will clearly color your experience of your relationship, and it is a recipe for resentment and/or shame (and more). If I try to “fix” my partner and this does not work, resentment builds, more judgments occur, and I am likely to emotional distance myself from them. Ultimately, we tend to experience more pain and disconnection as a result of this cycle. Even if my partner concedes and shifts his/her behavior to meet my expectations, there is a sense of obligation and duty – almost as though they are not doing this of their own free will. In turn, trust may be undermined and resentment, once again, can build.

This kind of responding to unmet expectations is very common, especially when expectations are gripped tightly and without question. Without our conscious awareness of their presence or power, expectations have the potential to drive our relationships with ourselves or others into the ground.  Excessive and unchecked expectations have to potential to be detrimental to healthy relationships with the self or other.

How Can We Better Respond to Expectations?

Often, we haven’t taken a step back enough to see that there are alternatives to automatically evaluating our relationships based on our unique set of expectations. The only alternative we may be aware of is to “lower our expectations,” which is really not too appealing if it leads us to “settle.”  Should we not want to strive for more? Should we not expect to be treated with more respect? More love?  

I’d like to suggest that the problem is not that we have expectations (or even that we have “too many” expectations), but that when expectations are gripped tightly and without mindful awareness, they can stoke the fire of blame, self-judgment, and suffering. Here are a few suggestions for how you might respond to you and your partner’s expectations a little differently:

I. Expect that you (and your partner) will have expectations:

• Accept that expectations will be there whether you want them to be there or not. Expectations are largely ingrained in how we think for multiple reasons (e.g. they are connected to our brain’s strongly developed evaluative and planning abilities; they may be influenced by or even born from social and cultural conditioning, family norms, past personal experiences, etc.). That said, you can practice strengthening your conscious awareness of your expectations. Take note of what they are, how they show up, and how you respond so that you have a greater ability to intentionally choose how to deal with them.

• Remember, expectations are not inherently bad or good. Sometimes they can be helpful in informing our decision-making, especially when we step back to look at the whole picture and objectively identify as many contributing factors as we can. Sometimes they can be unhelpful, and create disempowerment or inaction.

• Try to come up with a plan for tolerating and coping with the disappointment and emotional pain that comes from unmet expectations. Use regular self-care and self-compassion when you experience a let-down. For severe disappointment or emotionally traumatic experiences, consider enlisting the assistance of a therapist to help you understand, cope with, and emotionally heal from what happened.

II. Try to separate out expectation (e.g., “This thing will and must happen”) from preference (e.g. “I like and want this/I do not like or want this.”):

• Make a written list of your wants vs. nonnegotiable needs (within relationship, the workplace, home life, etc.).  Then write down a separate list of your expectations for each important domain in your life, and compare this to your list of wants. Get clear about what your wants/needs versus expectations are. If you expect certain behaviors within a relationship, be as clear and concrete as you can about what these expectations are so that you can openly share these with your partner and determine what you both agree to. Vannier and O’Sullivan (2017) also suggest identifying any expectations that might be overly idealistic, unrealistic, and overly romantic, as these tend to undermine relationship health.

• Take ownership of what you want and responsibility for how you will respond to your wants being satisfied or not.

  • For example, you may try reminding yourself, “I want this. My want is valid. My want does not have to happen, but if what I want does not happen, I will step back to more fully understand it, and make an informed decision about what to do or not do about it.” Try to give yourself time to sort out what might be helpful for allowing your desire to be met, and avoid jumping to conclusions. The key is to practice engaging a conscious, intentional decision-making process, rather than reflexive or reactive one.

• When communicating what you want within relationship, sometimes it is helpful to share what you want as an invitation, rather than as a demand. If what you want is connected to a core value, openly share about why this is important to you, without expecting your partner to share your exact same views. Invite curiosity, discussion, and learning more about one another. Invitation is less likely to be experienced as a heavy, restricting obligation by your partner, and creates the opportunity for them to meet your desires more whole-heartedly, and from a place of freedom of choice. Engage in a dialogue about what you both want to create together, how you want to define the relationship, what kind of boundaries or limits you both agree to, how you both would like to be treated. Arriving at agreements about what you’d like in your relationship often creates a different outcome than when either partner silently holds expectations and becomes resentful when they are not fulfilled. Remember that agreements are not necessarily fixed in stone, and may shift and evolve with time as both of you grow in who you are as individuals. Try to regularly stay in dialogue and communication about what you both want so that your relationship agreements can be updated as needed.

• As hard as it is to not get what you want, try to practice acceptance of the fact that regardless of how hard you try, sometimes you will get what we want, and sometimes you won't. Sometimes others will not meet your expectations, and you will not meet theirs. This is a normal part of life. You are not in complete control of outcomes. Leave some room for some desires not being fully met. Try to also be open to these desires being met in other ways then you thought they would. Stretch yourself to be flexible while staying true to your values.

• Sometimes our attitude influences whether we are likely to experience our desires as being fulfilled. When we are flexible, open to experience, and grateful for what comes our way, there is much more space for satisfaction and fulfillment. Try to avoid excessively fixating on what you think is "wrong” as this can shut you down emotionally and cause bitterness and discontent.

• Keep in mind that many times nonnegotiable needs are related to survival (i.e. needs related safety, security, critical resources, etc.). Try to identify an action plan in advance that you will use if a nonnegotiable need is not met (have a plan for staying safe, etc.) and access professional help if needed.

III. When reality had not lived up to expectations try to remember there are many possible explanations for what happened.

• When A does not lead to B, remember that A may also lead to C, D, etc. There are often many possible explanations for what happened, just as there are many possible ways that we can respond in different situations. Moreover, there are usually multiple ways of responding to the same situation. Most of the time, A does not only lead to B. Reminding yourself of this often and coming up with alternative explanations for why A may lead to B can help build cognitive flexibility, a skill that helps us become more psychologically resilient in the face of challenge.

• Check your expectations - where did these expectations come from? Is it possible that they are unrealistic? If you were expected to meet the expectations you hold others to, could you meet them?

• If you tend to experience unmet expectations as rules that have been “broken," try to remember that much of the time, others have a very different set of expectations or “rules” that may be equally valid as your own. Just because your partner’s behavior might be different than your own, does not automatically make your partner wrong (or right). We are all free to see the world through our own lens, and to be true to who we are (that doesn’t always mean our lens will in harmony with our partner's, of course, but is helpful to remind ourselves to steer away from excessively trying to control or change our partner). Within your relationship, check in with yourself about where it might to helpful to loosen your grip if you tend to fall into the enforcer of rules. Alternatively, if you tend to feel overburdened or suffocated by the weight of your partner’s expectations, be honest with yourself so that you can then be open with your partner about what needs to change. In either case, try and come together collaboratively to see how the two of you can better approach your relationship expectations, since neither party's expectations are necessarily "right" or "wrong," - just different. If a relationship agreement has been broken, try to compassionately address the broken agreement together, and understand why it happened and what to do about it to repair the rupture (e.g. to decide whether the agreement needs to be adjusted, or you or your partner’s behavior needs to be adjusted). Try to focus on the underlying purpose of strengthening the health of your relationship, rather than punishing one another for “breaking the rules.”

Learning by Doing

Hopefully some of these suggestions about how to shift your responding to expectations will help your relationship grow in awareness, depth, and resiliency. In general, bringing to light your beliefs about relationships gives you the chance to take a step back and non-judgmentally look at them from a different angle, so that you can be better equipped and able to respond with conscious intent, instead of reactivity. But be gentle with yourself and your partner -- these are challenging suggestions to put into place, and some may fit, where others may not be relevant or useful.  Remember that so many of our ways of approaching the world and relationships are deeply ingrained and are take significant time, effort, and lots of learning through trial and error. Practice patience with yourself, and try to use relationship challenges as an opportunity to re-commit to using the strategies that help you to build a healthier relationship with your expectations, yourself, and your partner.

If you find yourself excessively mired by expectation or having difficulty shifting how your approach to expectation within relationships, it may be helpful to practice these skills in a warm, supportive environment, where you can get feedback and guidance from a trusted therapist.

References

Fitzpatrick, J., & Sollie, D. L. (1999). Unrealistic gendered and relationship-specific beliefs: Contributions to investments and commitment in dating relationships. Journal of Social and  Personal Relationships, 16, 852–867. doi:10.1177/0265407599166010

Vannier, S. A., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2017). Great expectations: Examining unmet romantic expectations and dating relationship outcomes using an investment model framework. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Advanced online publication.