Repairing Hurt In Relationships: How Attachment Theory Can Help

Conflict in Relationships

Conflict is a normal - and inevitable! - part of any relationship. Whenever there are different viewpoints, desires, or needs, there is the potential for conflict, particularly when we perceive our conflicting opinions or needs as incompatible.

The presence of conflict is not necessarily harmful, nor does it indicate anything inherently problematic about our relationships. However, the way that we respond to conflict, and attempt to repair the effects of conflict, matters significantly.

Conflict can often be resolved through communication, negotiation, compromise, and mutual understanding. When conflicts are approached constructively, they can strengthen relationships by building trust and intimacy.

Despite our best attempts to resolve conflict well, when emotions are heightened, it can be difficult to offer our better selves. Things can go awry quickly, and cause with painful feelings of disconnect and broken trust. Poorly managed conflict can lead to a relationship rupture. A relationship rupture is a significant breakdown in the bond between people, causing feelings of betrayal, hurt, mistrust, or disconnection. Ruptures can significantly damage feelings of safety and closeness within our relationships.

If relationship ruptures happen often, conflict can feel like a dreaded, rather than healthy, part of relationships. This can contribute to even greater conflict avoidance and/or negative reactivity to conflict.

Attachment theory can help demystify why we might run into repeated difficulty with conflict, and experience more frequent ruptures. If we better understand how attachment styles affect our patterns of conflict, then we may be able to take a more informed approach to repairing ruptures that better aligns with our (and our loved one’s) needs.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory emphasizes the importance of early relationships in shaping our ability to form and maintain healthy emotional connections. According to attachment theory, the way we bond with our caregivers in childhood influences our attachment styles as adults, affecting how we relate to others, especially in times of conflict.

Attachment Styles and Conflict

1. Secure Attachment:

Approximately 50-60% of the population has a secure attachment style. Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to trust others, feel comfortable with intimacy, and are generally more adept at managing conflicts. They are more likely to seek resolution and repair ruptures effectively. Individuals with a secure attachment style typically approach conflict with a calm and balanced mindset. They are comfortable with intimacy and trust, which allows them to communicate openly and honestly during disagreements. Securely attached people are likely to express their feelings clearly, listen to their partner's perspective, and work collaboratively to find a solution. They view conflict as a natural part of relationships and are confident in their ability to resolve issues without fear of losing the connection.

During an argument, a securely attached person might say, "I feel hurt when you cancel our plans last minute. Can we talk about how we can avoid this in the future?" They are open to hearing their partner’s side and willing to compromise to reach a mutual understanding.

2. Anxious Attachment:

About 15-25% of the population has an anxious attachment style. Those with an anxious attachment style may fear abandonment and seek frequent reassurance. They often experience heightened emotions during conflict. They may fear abandonment or rejection, leading them to become overly preoccupied with the relationship. This can result in a tendency to seek reassurance and/or to escalate the conflict in an attempt to test the security of the relationship. People with an anxious attachment style might struggle with expressing their needs directly and may instead resort to passive-aggressive behavior or anxious, angry, or critical ways of communicating.

In a conflict, an anxiously attached person might say, "You never spend enough time with me. Do you even care about this relationship?" Their approach may come across as demanding or overly critical, and is often accompanied by seeking immediate reassurance from their partner that the security of the relationship is intact.

3. Avoidant Attachment:

Approximately 15-25% of the population has an avoidant attachment style. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may value independence over intimacy and tend to withdraw during conflicts. They might struggle with addressing emotional issues directly, and tend to distance themselves during conflict. They might feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may prefer to avoid discussing difficult topics. This can lead to withdrawal, shutting down communication, or even walking away from the situation entirely. Avoidantly attached individuals often prioritize independence and may view conflict as a threat to their autonomy.

When faced with a disagreement, an avoidantly attached person might say, "I don’t want to talk about this right now," and then retreat into silence or busy themselves with other activities. This avoidance can create further tension and feelings of abandonment for their partner. Unresolved issues can linger and contribute to feelings of resentment over time.

4. Disorganized Attachment:

About 5-10% of the population has a disorganized attachment style. This style is characterized by unpredictable responses to conflict within relationships. People with a disorganized attachment style often experience conflicting feelings about closeness and distance. They might have difficulty managing their emotions and can alternate between seeking comfort and pushing their partner away. This inconsistency can make conflict especially challenging, because it can feel unpredictable and confusing for both themselves and their partner.

During a conflict, a person with a disorganized attachment style might oscillate between saying, "I need you to be here for me," and "Just leave me alone!" This push-pull dynamic can feel chaotic and emotionally charged.

Steps to Repair Relationship Ruptures

When we are able to recognize the role of attachment styles in our own patterns of conflict, we can more clearly work towards strengthening the skills that help us repair relationship ruptures in healthier ways. Listed below are guidelines for repairing ruptures more effectively, with suggestions for individuals with each attachment style.

1. Recognize and Reflect

It is essential to pause and reflect on what happened after the relationship rupture, taking the time to identify the specific actions or words that contributed to the conflict (it can help to write this down for the sake of clarity). Practice perspective-taking and empathy, reflecting on how your partner’s sense of security and trust may have been impacted as well.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be inclined to downplay the significance of the rupture or your loved one’s difficult emotions, in order to avoid your feelings of overwhelm or discomfort.

However, it's essential to pause and consciously acknowledge that minimizing conflict, dismissing your partner’s feelings, withdrawing, or reacting defensively will work against you, and damage your partner’s trust.

Try to break down the conflict into manageable parts to make it feel less daunting. Start by identifying the primary areas of disagreement. For example, issues might include clashing communication styles, unmet expectations, or unmet emotional needs.

Practice perspective-taking, and ask yourself, "What was my partner feeling, and what might they have needed?" Challenge yourself to think about the positive aspects of the relationship, and how addressing this conflict may improve your relationship in the long run.

In the long-term, consider whether you are willing to gradually work on becoming more comfortable with emotional intimacy and conflict. Each small step you take to build tolerance of emotional closeness and vulnerability matters significantly, and increases your ability to maintain healthy and satisfying relationships.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may immediately feel panicked and fear abandonment when a rupture occurs. Anger related to feelings of betrayal or abandonment may also surge.

If anxiety or anger becomes difficult to disentangle from, practice at least 5-10 minutes of slow, diaphragmatic breaths to help regulate your autonomic nervous system. Then, commit to reflecting on the situation so that you can arrive at a balanced perspective.

You may consider using CBT strategies, such as decatastrophizing techniques, to help you more accurately assess the level of threat tied to the conflict. Decatastrophizing techniques are intended to help us more objectively reinterpret our concerns and respond to them in more effective ways.

For example, write down your responses to the following decatastrophizing prompts:

“What is the worst-case scenario, best-case scenario, and most likely scenario?

What kind of response would be helpful if the ‘most likely’ scenario is true?

If the worst-case scenario were to happen, what actionable steps could I take to care for my needs, receive support, and make it through this to the other side?”

It may also be helpful to purposefully think through, and write down, alternative explanations for your partner or loved one’s behavior. Reminding yourself of the positive aspects and strengths of your relationship can help to counterbalance the emotional impact of recent conflict.

Finally, it is important to identify your needs and boundaries, so that you can be prepared to express them effectively.

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might feel conflicted or paralyzed by the rupture, uncertain whether to confront it or withdraw.

It’s important to create a safe space for reflection, perhaps by journaling or speaking with a trusted friend or therapist. For example, while working with a therapist, you might reflect on the sequence of events involved in the conflict, and identify the specific triggers for feelings of confusion or emotional overwhelm.

It is not uncommon for our responses to conflict to be influenced by past traumatic experiences within relationships, and a therapist can also help you identify whether your reaction may be influenced past trauma.

Learning how to compassionately acknowledge fears that are activated within our closest relationships can be an important first step towards lessening their control over our reactions, and pave the way for learning how to effectively communicate your needs and emotions clearly.

Over time, it is possible to build a sense of security within your relationship while working through the conflict.

Secure Attachment: If you're securely attached, you might naturally acknowledge and reflect on ruptures. Even if the issue seems minor, taking the time to reflect on your emotions and actions will reinforce your ability to respond to conflict effectively..

2. Open a Compassionate Dialogue

Once you've identified the source of the rupture, the next step is to open a dialogue with your partner.

Approach the conversation with empathy, aiming to understand your partner's perspective without rushing to defend yourself or fix the problem immediately.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.” Consider writing down what you’d like to say, so that you can read or reference your notes when discussing your concerns with your partner. Encourage your partner to share their feelings as well, and to make sure they have a chance to feel heard and validated.

If you begin to feel overwhelmed when communicating with your partner, let them know that repairing the conflict is important to you, and that in order to do that well, you need to take a break to self-regulate. Let your partner know that you will return to work through the issue. Try to provide a reasonable time estimate, such as 30 minutes, and stick to it, so that your partner is less likely to feel abandoned.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant style, opening up a dialogue might feel like exposing yourself to criticism.

Prioritize understanding your partner, rather than defending yourself.

For example, instead of saying, "I didn’t think it was a big deal," try, "I want to understand how my actions affected you, even if I didn’t see it that way initially."

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, you might fear that the conversation could lead to further conflict or rejection.

Before engaging, practice calming techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness to soothe your nerves.

When you start the conversation, use “I” statements, such as, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style may struggle with maintaining a calm and coherent dialogue due to conflicting emotions.

To help with this, consider writing down your thoughts beforehand or even creating a “communication script” to keep the conversation focused.

For example, plan to say, “I’m feeling a lot of different emotions about what happened, and I’d like to talk through them with you.”

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals often excel in opening compassionate dialogues. Ensure that you continue to listen actively to your partner and validate their feelings.

You might say, “I noticed we were both upset earlier, and I want to make sure we’re both okay now. How are you feeling about what happened?”

3. Take Responsibility and Offer a Sincere Apology

Taking responsibility for our part in the rupture is key to repairing and restoring trust within our relationships. Offer a sincere apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings and the impact of your actions.

For example, “I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and that was not my intention.”

Avoidant Attachment: Apologizing might make you feel vulnerable, as it can seem like a loss of control. To reframe this, remind yourself that taking responsibility is a strength, not a weakness.

You might say, “I’m sorry for my reaction earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and I’m committed to working on this.” This approach allows you to take ownership while maintaining your sense of self.

Anxious Attachment: With an anxious attachment style, you might be quick to apologize, sometimes even for things that aren’t your fault, out of a fear of losing your partner. It’s important to apologize sincerely, but also ensure that you’re only taking responsibility for your own actions.

For instance, say, “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier, but I’d also like to talk about how we can both communicate better next time.”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might struggle with offering a coherent apology due to inner conflict. To help with this, take time to process your feelings first, perhaps with a supportive friend or therapist. When you’re ready, offer an apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings, such as, “I’m sorry for how I acted. I realize it was confusing, and I’m working on understanding my own feelings better.”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often find it easier to apologize because they are confident in their relationships. Continue to offer sincere apologies that acknowledge the impact of your actions, like, “I’m really sorry for interrupting you earlier. I didn’t realize how it made you feel unheard, and I’ll be more mindful in the future.”

4. Create a Plan for Moving Forward

After acknowledging the rupture and apologizing, it’s important to collaborate with your partner on a plan to prevent similar issues in the future. Discuss what each of you needs to feel secure and understood moving forward. Set clear expectations and boundaries that respect both partners’ needs. For example, you might agree to check in with each other regularly or establish a “time-out” signal for when emotions run high.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, the idea of making a plan might feel restrictive or unnecessary.

However, collaborating with your partner can actually strengthen your autonomy by establishing clear boundaries and expectations.

You might agree to regular check-ins or create a “time-out” signal when things get heated, ensuring both partners feel secure without feeling trapped.

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, creating a plan might feel like a way to regain security in the relationship, but it’s important to ensure the plan is balanced and respects both partners’ needs.

For example, you might suggest, “Let’s agree to check in with each other every evening, but also give each other space when we need it.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style might find it challenging to stick to a plan due to inconsistent feelings.

It can be helpful to start small and build consistency over time. You might begin with something simple, like setting aside 10 minutes each day to discuss how you’re both feeling, gradually building trust in the process.

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals are typically comfortable with creating and following through on plans. Use this strength to ensure the plan is clear and mutually agreed upon, like, “Let’s set aside some time each week to talk about how things are going and what we can do to support each other.”

5. Rebuild Trust Through Consistency and Patience

Repairing a relationship rupture is not a one-time event but an ongoing process. In order to rebuild and strengthen trust, it is crucial to remain consistent in our words and actions, and patience with our partner’s healing process. Demonstrate reliability and follow through on any commitments made during your discussions. Trust is rebuilt through small, consistent actions that reinforce your commitment to the relationship.

Avoidant Attachment: Rebuilding trust might feel uncomfortable because it requires consistent emotional availability, which can be challenging for individuals with avoidant attachment.

Focus on small, manageable steps, like consistently following through on promises or being present during important conversations. Remind yourself that this consistency will strengthen your relationship without compromising your independence.

Anxious Attachment: For those with an anxious attachment style, trust might need more frequent reassurance.

It’s important to communicate your needs clearly while also recognizing your partner’s efforts. You might say, “I really appreciate when you check in with me during the day—it helps me feel secure.”

Disorganized Attachment: With a disorganized attachment style, you might find it difficult to be consistent due to fluctuating emotions.

Work on maintaining small, consistent actions, like sending a daily message to your partner or setting regular times to connect. Gradual consistency can help rebuild trust and create a sense of stability.

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals usually find it natural to be consistent and patient in rebuilding trust.

Continue to demonstrate reliability and be patient with your partner’s healing process. You might say, “I know trust takes time to rebuild, and I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to make sure you feel secure.”

6. Practice Self-Care and Self-Reflection

Lastly, maintaining a healthy relationship requires ongoing self-care and self-reflection. Taking care of your own emotional well-being ensures that you can show up as your best self in your relationships. Engage in regular self-care activities that help you manage stress and stay emotionally balanced. If you find certain patterns challenging, consider seeking support from a therapist.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant attachment style, self-care might involve activities that allow for independence, such as solo hobbies or mindfulness practices. However, it’s also important to reflect on how your need for space impacts your partner.

Consider integrating practices that help you stay emotionally present, like journaling about your feelings or setting aside time for regular self-reflection.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may benefit from self-care activities that help regulate emotions, such as meditation, yoga, or therapy.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider how they affect your relationships. For example, you might ask yourself, “How can I practice patience and trust without needing constant reassurance?”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, self-care might involve finding ways to calm and regulate your emotions, such as through therapy, meditation, or creative outlets like art or writing.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider seeking professional support to navigate complex emotions. Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel more grounded and secure in my relationships?”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often have a good balance between self-care and relationship care.

Continue to practice self-reflection and ensure that you’re taking care of your own emotional needs while being present for your partner. You might ask yourself, “Am I maintaining a healthy balance between my own needs and my partner’s needs?”

Conclusion

Repairing ruptures within relationships is a critical skill that can lead to stronger, more resilient connections. By understanding and applying attachment theory, we can better navigate conflicts and foster healthy, enduring relationships. Rise Psychology offers support and strategies to help you develop these essential skills and improve your relational health. For personalized guidance and more tips on repairing relational ruptures, reach out to us at Rise Psychology.

References:

- Bowlby, J. (1982). *Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment*. Basic Books.

- Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). *Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation*. Erlbaum.

- Johnson, S. M. (2019). *Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families*. The Guilford Press.

- Tatkin, S. (2016). *Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship*. New Harbinger Publications.