Evidence-Based Skills for Communicating Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Preferences When it Feels Difficult to Do

Many people experience difficulty identifying their internal states. This is sometimes referred to in clinical literature as alexithymia or deficits in emotional awareness. Research in affective science, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and emotion-focused approaches consistently shows that emotional awareness and labeling improve emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and psychological well-being. This article outlines structured, evidence-informed tools that may help to (1) identify internal experiences and (2) communicate them clearly.

Part I. Understanding What You Are Feeling

Emotions Are Data
Emotions are adaptive signals. They provide information about needs, values, goals, and threats. Suppressing or ignoring emotions is associated with poorer interpersonal outcomes, while accurately labeling emotions is associated with reduced emotional intensity and improved regulation (Lieberman et al., affect labeling research).

Use the Three-Component Model
Research in emotion science suggests emotions have three components:

• Physiological sensations (body signals)

• Thoughts (interpretations, predictions, beliefs)

• Action urges (what you feel like doing)

Identifying & LAbeling Emotions

Step A: Notice Body Sensations
Ask:

• Where do I feel something in my body?

• Is there tightness, heaviness, heat, restlessness, fatigue?

• Is my heart rate elevated? Is my breathing shallow?

Common patterns (not universal):

• Tight chest → anxiety, fear

• Heavy body → sadness

• Heat in face → anger, embarrassment

• Restlessness → frustration, anticipation

Step B: Identify the Thought
Ask:

• What am I telling myself right now?

• What do I think this situation means?

• What am I worried might happen?

Examples:

• “They don’t respect me.”

• “I’m going to fail.”

• “This isn’t fair.”

Step C: Identify the Urge
Ask:

• Do I want to withdraw?

• Do I want to argue?

• Do I want reassurance?

• Do I want space?

The combination of body + thought + urge often clarifies the emotion.

Use Specific Emotion Language
Research shows that increasing emotional granularity (using precise emotion words rather than broad labels like “bad”) improves regulation. Referencing an emotion vocabulary list can be helpful.

Instead of: “I feel bad.” Try: frustrated, disappointed, anxious, ashamed, lonely, overwhelmed, resentful, hurt, uncertain.

If unsure, narrow it down:

• Is it more activating (anger, anxiety) or low energy (sadness, discouragement)?

• Is it about threat (fear), loss (sadness), injustice (anger), or connection (loneliness)?

Part II. Understanding What You Want (Preferences)

Preferences are linked to needs and values. When you cannot explain why you want or do not want something, examine:

1. Safety
   Does this feel physically or emotionally safe?

2. Autonomy
   Do I feel pressured or free to choose?

3. Fairness
   Does this align with my sense of justice?

4. Connection
   Will this increase or decrease closeness?

5. Energy Cost
   Will this drain or restore me?

If you struggle to articulate a preference, complete this sentence:
“I want/don’t want this because it would make me feel more/less ______.”

Part III. Communicating Clearly and Effectively

Evidence from DBT interpersonal effectiveness and assertiveness research supports structured communication. Use the following framework.

Use “I” Statements

Structure: When ___ happens, I feel ___, and I would prefer ___.

Example: “When meetings start late, I feel anxious and rushed. I would prefer we start on time.” This reduces blame and increases clarity.

The DEAR Model (from DBT)

• Describe – State facts briefly.

• Express – State feelings clearly.

• Assert – Ask directly for what you want.

• Reinforce – Explain why cooperation benefits both parties.

Example: “Yesterday you changed the plan without telling me. I felt frustrated and left out. I’d like to be informed before changes are made. It helps me feel respected and prepared.”

Separate Feelings from Interpretations

Feeling: “I feel hurt.”
Interpretation: “You don’t care about me.”

Communicate emotions first. Interpretations can escalate conflict if stated as fact.

Use Behavioral Specificity

Evidence from behavioral psychology shows that specific requests increase the likelihood of compliance. Instead of: “Be more supportive.” Say: “Can you check in with me once during the week about how I’m doing?”

Part IV. When You Cannot Identify the Feeling in the Moment

Use a Delay

• It is acceptable to say: “I need some time to think about how I feel. Can we revisit this later?”

• Emotion identification improves after physiological arousal decreases.

Journal Briefly

Write:

• What happened?

• What did I notice in my body?

• What did I think?

• What did I want to do?

Use Rating Scales

• Rate distress from 0–10.

• Ask: Is this mild irritation (3) or strong anger (8)?

Part V. Common Barriers

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
  Judgment makes it more difficult to identify what we are truly feeling or needing. Replace with: “This is what I’m noticing.”

• “If I say what I want, it will cause conflict.”
  Research on assertiveness indicates that respectful direct communication is associated with better long-term relationship outcomes than avoidance.

• “I don’t know why I want this.”
  Preferences are valid even if you are still figuring out what it is that you want or don’t want.

Part VI. Practice Template

• Situation:

• Body sensations:

• Thoughts:

• Action urges:

• Likely emotion:

• What I want/don’t want:

• How I will say it:

Communication script:
“When ___, I feel ___. I would prefer ___.”

Try To Remember

• It can be helpful to view emotions as signals or information rather than problems to eliminate.

• Awareness of physical sensations of emotions can help you identify the feelings you are experiencing.

• Identifying and labeling emotions often has the effect of reducing their intensity.

• Clear, direct requests can often improve the quality of relationships over time.

• It is okay to ask for time and space to understand your feelings.

• Regular practice of these strategies can help strengthen emotional awareness and emotion regulation over time.

Quick Reference Guide for Dealing with Fear, Anxiety, & Uncertainty

Written & Created by Lauren Helm, PhD

Wondering how to best respond to difficult emotions like fear, anxiety, and uncertainty? This guide summarizes a cognitive-behavioral approach to identifying and responding to challenging emotions. To engage in healthy emotion regulation, it helps to identify, label, and rate your emotions, check the accuracy of emotion-driven thoughts, avoid problematic emotion-driven behaviors, and engage in effective, values-driven action. Work with a qualified therapist who can help you implement these strategies and build a life that matters to you. If you'd like, feel free to save this guide for future reference, or share with your friends or loved ones.

What To Do With Those "Bad" Emotions We All Feel

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.; reposted from www.anxietytherapysandiego.com/blog

 

What To Do With Those "Bad" Emotions We All Feel

First, we can stop calling them bad! Emotions, in and of themselves, are not bad or good: they just are. They are often feared, however, and in our society, so called “negative” emotions in particular are judged, shamed, or hidden. What recent research has been finding is that it is not the emotions that cause the most suffering or difficulty leading our lives, its how we respond to our emotions that is key.

Emotions can be thought of as cognitive and physiological changes that urge us to behave in a particular way. They occur (or are “triggered”) in response to the situation that we are in – or, in other words, what we perceive is happening in our environment. The physiological changes that happen in our bodies (the “feelings” that accompany our emotions, like butterflies or a lump in our throat), and thoughts (i.e. how we interpret something, like, “This is scary” or “How sad”) usually motivate us to take a certain action. The emotion of fear, for example, may lead to physiological changes such as a racing heart, rapid breathing, a racing mind, along with thoughts that “I am in danger, I better get out of here,” and the strong urge to avoid or escape the situation.

The Benefits of "Positive" and "Negative" Emotions

Theorists posit that emotions guide us through life, and are designed to help us to survive. “Negative” emotions (such as fear, anxiety, sadness, stress, guilt, etc.) urge us to act in a self-protective way in the face of various potentially threatening situations. These emotions are broadly categorized as those that lead to an “avoidance” response. “Positive” emotions (such as joy, happiness, love, pleasure, etc.) generally are linked with safety and guide us to seek out more of whatever it was that elicited the pleasant emotion, thus typically leading to an “approach” response. Though our emotions are designed to guide us in directions that keep us safe and satisfied, this is not always the case. Oftentimes, instead of supporting us in leading the lives that we want to live, our emotions can seem to work against us, taking destructive control of our lives.

Emotion Regulation (aka How We manage our emotions)

How we relate to our emotions, and what we do with them is ultimately what may have the largest impact on our emotional health and the quality of our lives. Poor emotion regulation (the way that we regulate or how we respond to our emotions) is now thought to be a key determinant in the development and maintenance of multiple psychological and emotional disorders, such as anxiety and depression.

Emotion dysregulation is the relative absence of adaptive emotion regulation strategies. Specifically, Mennin and his colleagues (2007) define emotion dysregulation as:

(1) Heightened intensity and increased frequency of unpleasant emotions as triggered by internal and/or external cues

(2) Poor understanding of emotions

(3) Negative reactivity to one’s emotional state, and

(4) Reflexive and maladaptive behavioral reactions

What does this mean? Emotion dysregulation is when:  (1) we are easily and strongly emotionally-triggered,  (2) we have difficulty knowing what are emotions are and why we have them,  (3) we fear or judge having these emotions as “bad,” and (4) we react to our emotions automatically in rigid, unhelpful ways that often make the situation worse.

In other words, emotion dysregulation often leads to a spiral of distress, and in the long-run, makes negative emotions more intense and long-lasting.

Research is finding that emotion dysregulation perpetuated by certain problematic strategies that we use to manage our emotions. Typically, our automatic avoidant responding to distressing emotions and thoughts leads to short-term relief, but greater emotion dysregulation in the long-term. When we try to control or avoid painful or scary thoughts and emotions when there is not the threat of true danger, we are using emotion regulation strategies that may not work in our favor after all (see Hayes et al., 1996). Many studies have found that attempts to suppress thoughts or emotions actually increase their intensity and frequency (see review by Wenzlaff & Wegner, 2000). Trying to force yourself to stop feeling “bad” in order to feel better is unlikely to be helpful.

In contrast, in is much more likely to be helpful if you engage in adaptive emotion regulation, which, as conceptualized by Gratz and Roemer (2004), is characterized by:

(1) An awareness of and understanding of emotions

(2) Acceptance of emotions

(3) The ability to engage in goal-directed behavior and refrain from impulsive behavior when experiencing negative emotions

(4) Access to emotion regulation strategies perceived as effective

Thus, adaptive emotion regulation is the ability to (1) be able to notice, label, and understand your emotions, (2) acknowledge and accept, instead of resist, the emotions that are present for you, and (3 & 4) flexibly engage in actions that are called for and most effective depending on the needs of the situation, even while you are experiencing emotional upset.

What you can do

Emotion regulation is not about controlling or reducing your emotions, as much as it is about developing a flexible, accepting, and balanced approach to your emotions. This is no easy task, and takes a great deal of practice. Therapy, mindfulness, and/or self-compassion practice may help you to develop healthy emotion regulation skills. It may be worth investigating whether you would like to enhance your own emotion regulation abilities, as the ability to truly be with our emotions, as opposed to being controlled by them, can make all the difference in our lives.

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References

Gratz, K. L., & Roemer, L. (2004). Multidimensional assessment of emotion regulation and dysregulation: Development, factor structure, and initial validation of the difficulties in emotion regulation scale. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 26(1), 41-54.

Hayes, S. C., Wilson, K. G., Gifford, E. V., Follette, V. M., & Strosahl, K. (1996). Experiential avoidance and behavioral disorders: A functional dimensional approach to diagnosis and treatment. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 64(6), 1152.

Mennin, D. S., Holaway, R. M., Fresco, D. M., Moore, M. T., & Heimberg, R. G. (2007). Delineating components of emotion and its dysregulation in anxiety and mood psychopathology. Behavior Therapy, 38(3), 284-302.