Evidence-Based Skills for Communicating Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Preferences When it Feels Difficult to Do
Many people experience difficulty identifying their internal states. This is sometimes referred to in clinical literature as alexithymia or deficits in emotional awareness. Research in affective science, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and emotion-focused approaches consistently shows that emotional awareness and labeling improve emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and psychological well-being. This article outlines structured, evidence-informed tools that may help to (1) identify internal experiences and (2) communicate them clearly.
Part I. Understanding What You Are Feeling
Emotions Are Data
Emotions are adaptive signals. They provide information about needs, values, goals, and threats. Suppressing or ignoring emotions is associated with poorer interpersonal outcomes, while accurately labeling emotions is associated with reduced emotional intensity and improved regulation (Lieberman et al., affect labeling research).
Use the Three-Component Model
Research in emotion science suggests emotions have three components:
Physiological sensations (body signals)
Thoughts (interpretations, predictions, beliefs)
Action urges (what you feel like doing)
Identifying & LAbeling Emotions
Step A: Notice Body Sensations
Ask:
Where do I feel something in my body?
Is there tightness, heaviness, heat, restlessness, fatigue?
Is my heart rate elevated? Is my breathing shallow?
Common patterns (not universal):
Tight chest → anxiety, fear
Heavy body → sadness
Heat in face → anger, embarrassment
Restlessness → frustration, anticipation
Step B: Identify the Thought
Ask:
What am I telling myself right now?
What do I think this situation means?
What am I worried might happen?
Examples:
“They don’t respect me.”
“I’m going to fail.”
“This isn’t fair.”
Step C: Identify the Urge
Ask:
Do I want to withdraw?
Do I want to argue?
Do I want reassurance?
Do I want space?
The combination of body + thought + urge often clarifies the emotion.
Use Specific Emotion Language
Research shows that increasing emotional granularity (using precise emotion words rather than broad labels like “bad”) improves regulation. Referencing an emotion vocabulary list can be helpful.
Instead of: “I feel bad.” Try: frustrated, disappointed, anxious, ashamed, lonely, overwhelmed, resentful, hurt, uncertain.
If unsure, narrow it down:
Is it more activating (anger, anxiety) or low energy (sadness, discouragement)?
Is it about threat (fear), loss (sadness), injustice (anger), or connection (loneliness)?
Part II. Understanding What You Want (Preferences)
Preferences are linked to needs and values. When you cannot explain why you want or do not want something, examine:
Safety
Does this feel physically or emotionally safe?Autonomy
Do I feel pressured or free to choose?Fairness
Does this align with my sense of justice?Connection
Will this increase or decrease closeness?Energy Cost
Will this drain or restore me?
If you struggle to articulate a preference, complete this sentence:
“I want/don’t want this because it would make me feel more/less ______.”
Part III. Communicating Clearly and Effectively
Evidence from DBT interpersonal effectiveness and assertiveness research supports structured communication. Use the following framework.
Use “I” Statements
Structure: When ___ happens, I feel ___, and I would prefer ___.
Example: “When meetings start late, I feel anxious and rushed. I would prefer we start on time.” This reduces blame and increases clarity.
The DEAR Model (from DBT)
Describe – State facts briefly.
Express – State feelings clearly.
Assert – Ask directly for what you want.
Reinforce – Explain why cooperation benefits both parties.
Example: “Yesterday you changed the plan without telling me. I felt frustrated and left out. I’d like to be informed before changes are made. It helps me feel respected and prepared.”
Separate Feelings from Interpretations
Feeling: “I feel hurt.”
Interpretation: “You don’t care about me.”
Communicate emotions first. Interpretations can escalate conflict if stated as fact.
Use Behavioral Specificity
Evidence from behavioral psychology shows that specific requests increase the likelihood of compliance. Instead of: “Be more supportive.” Say: “Can you check in with me once during the week about how I’m doing?”
Part IV. When You Cannot Identify the Feeling in the Moment
Use a Delay
It is acceptable to say: “I need some time to think about how I feel. Can we revisit this later?”
Emotion identification improves after physiological arousal decreases.
Journal Briefly
Write:
What happened?
What did I notice in my body?
What did I think?
What did I want to do?
Use Rating Scales
Rate distress from 0–10.
Ask: Is this mild irritation (3) or strong anger (8)?
Part V. Common Barriers
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
Judgment makes it more difficult to identify what we are truly feeling or needing. Replace with: “This is what I’m noticing.”“If I say what I want, it will cause conflict.”
Research on assertiveness indicates that respectful direct communication is associated with better long-term relationship outcomes than avoidance.“I don’t know why I want this.”
Preferences are valid even if you are still figuring out what it is that you want or don’t want.
Part VI. Practice Template
Situation:
Body sensations:
Thoughts:
Action urges:
Likely emotion:
What I want/don’t want:
How I will say it:
Communication script:
“When ___, I feel ___. I would prefer ___.”
Try To Remember
It can be helpful to view emotions as signals or information rather than problems to eliminate.
Awareness of physical sensations of emotions can help you identify the feelings you are experiencing.
Identifying and labeling emotions often has the effect of reducing their intensity.
Clear, direct requests can often improve the quality of relationships over time.
It is okay to ask for time and space to understand your feelings.
Regular practice of these strategies can help strengthen emotional awareness and emotion regulation over time.