Repairing Hurt In Relationships: How Attachment Theory Can Help

Conflict in Relationships

Conflict is a normal - and inevitable! - part of any relationship. Whenever there are different viewpoints, desires, or needs, there is the potential for conflict, particularly when we perceive our conflicting opinions or needs as incompatible.

The presence of conflict is not necessarily harmful, nor does it indicate anything inherently problematic about our relationships. However, the way that we respond to conflict, and attempt to repair the effects of conflict, matters significantly.

Conflict can often be resolved through communication, negotiation, compromise, and mutual understanding. When conflicts are approached constructively, they can strengthen relationships by building trust and intimacy.

Despite our best attempts to resolve conflict well, when emotions are heightened, it can be difficult to offer our better selves. Things can go awry quickly, and cause with painful feelings of disconnect and broken trust. Poorly managed conflict can lead to a relationship rupture. A relationship rupture is a significant breakdown in the bond between people, causing feelings of betrayal, hurt, mistrust, or disconnection. Ruptures can significantly damage feelings of safety and closeness within our relationships.

If relationship ruptures happen often, conflict can feel like a dreaded, rather than healthy, part of relationships. This can contribute to even greater conflict avoidance and/or negative reactivity to conflict.

Attachment theory can help demystify why we might run into repeated difficulty with conflict, and experience more frequent ruptures. If we better understand how attachment styles affect our patterns of conflict, then we may be able to take a more informed approach to repairing ruptures that better aligns with our (and our loved one’s) needs.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory emphasizes the importance of early relationships in shaping our ability to form and maintain healthy emotional connections. According to attachment theory, the way we bond with our caregivers in childhood influences our attachment styles as adults, affecting how we relate to others, especially in times of conflict.

Attachment Styles and Conflict

1. Secure Attachment:

Approximately 50-60% of the population has a secure attachment style. Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to trust others, feel comfortable with intimacy, and are generally more adept at managing conflicts. They are more likely to seek resolution and repair ruptures effectively. Individuals with a secure attachment style typically approach conflict with a calm and balanced mindset. They are comfortable with intimacy and trust, which allows them to communicate openly and honestly during disagreements. Securely attached people are likely to express their feelings clearly, listen to their partner's perspective, and work collaboratively to find a solution. They view conflict as a natural part of relationships and are confident in their ability to resolve issues without fear of losing the connection.

During an argument, a securely attached person might say, "I feel hurt when you cancel our plans last minute. Can we talk about how we can avoid this in the future?" They are open to hearing their partner’s side and willing to compromise to reach a mutual understanding.

2. Anxious Attachment:

About 15-25% of the population has an anxious attachment style. Those with an anxious attachment style may fear abandonment and seek frequent reassurance. They often experience heightened emotions during conflict. They may fear abandonment or rejection, leading them to become overly preoccupied with the relationship. This can result in a tendency to seek reassurance and/or to escalate the conflict in an attempt to test the security of the relationship. People with an anxious attachment style might struggle with expressing their needs directly and may instead resort to passive-aggressive behavior or anxious, angry, or critical ways of communicating.

In a conflict, an anxiously attached person might say, "You never spend enough time with me. Do you even care about this relationship?" Their approach may come across as demanding or overly critical, and is often accompanied by seeking immediate reassurance from their partner that the security of the relationship is intact.

3. Avoidant Attachment:

Approximately 15-25% of the population has an avoidant attachment style. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may value independence over intimacy and tend to withdraw during conflicts. They might struggle with addressing emotional issues directly, and tend to distance themselves during conflict. They might feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may prefer to avoid discussing difficult topics. This can lead to withdrawal, shutting down communication, or even walking away from the situation entirely. Avoidantly attached individuals often prioritize independence and may view conflict as a threat to their autonomy.

When faced with a disagreement, an avoidantly attached person might say, "I don’t want to talk about this right now," and then retreat into silence or busy themselves with other activities. This avoidance can create further tension and feelings of abandonment for their partner. Unresolved issues can linger and contribute to feelings of resentment over time.

4. Disorganized Attachment:

About 5-10% of the population has a disorganized attachment style. This style is characterized by unpredictable responses to conflict within relationships. People with a disorganized attachment style often experience conflicting feelings about closeness and distance. They might have difficulty managing their emotions and can alternate between seeking comfort and pushing their partner away. This inconsistency can make conflict especially challenging, because it can feel unpredictable and confusing for both themselves and their partner.

During a conflict, a person with a disorganized attachment style might oscillate between saying, "I need you to be here for me," and "Just leave me alone!" This push-pull dynamic can feel chaotic and emotionally charged.

Steps to Repair Relationship Ruptures

When we are able to recognize the role of attachment styles in our own patterns of conflict, we can more clearly work towards strengthening the skills that help us repair relationship ruptures in healthier ways. Listed below are guidelines for repairing ruptures more effectively, with suggestions for individuals with each attachment style.

1. Recognize and Reflect

It is essential to pause and reflect on what happened after the relationship rupture, taking the time to identify the specific actions or words that contributed to the conflict (it can help to write this down for the sake of clarity). Practice perspective-taking and empathy, reflecting on how your partner’s sense of security and trust may have been impacted as well.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be inclined to downplay the significance of the rupture or your loved one’s difficult emotions, in order to avoid your feelings of overwhelm or discomfort.

However, it's essential to pause and consciously acknowledge that minimizing conflict, dismissing your partner’s feelings, withdrawing, or reacting defensively will work against you, and damage your partner’s trust.

Try to break down the conflict into manageable parts to make it feel less daunting. Start by identifying the primary areas of disagreement. For example, issues might include clashing communication styles, unmet expectations, or unmet emotional needs.

Practice perspective-taking, and ask yourself, "What was my partner feeling, and what might they have needed?" Challenge yourself to think about the positive aspects of the relationship, and how addressing this conflict may improve your relationship in the long run.

In the long-term, consider whether you are willing to gradually work on becoming more comfortable with emotional intimacy and conflict. Each small step you take to build tolerance of emotional closeness and vulnerability matters significantly, and increases your ability to maintain healthy and satisfying relationships.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may immediately feel panicked and fear abandonment when a rupture occurs. Anger related to feelings of betrayal or abandonment may also surge.

If anxiety or anger becomes difficult to disentangle from, practice at least 5-10 minutes of slow, diaphragmatic breaths to help regulate your autonomic nervous system. Then, commit to reflecting on the situation so that you can arrive at a balanced perspective.

You may consider using CBT strategies, such as decatastrophizing techniques, to help you more accurately assess the level of threat tied to the conflict. Decatastrophizing techniques are intended to help us more objectively reinterpret our concerns and respond to them in more effective ways.

For example, write down your responses to the following decatastrophizing prompts:

“What is the worst-case scenario, best-case scenario, and most likely scenario?

What kind of response would be helpful if the ‘most likely’ scenario is true?

If the worst-case scenario were to happen, what actionable steps could I take to care for my needs, receive support, and make it through this to the other side?”

It may also be helpful to purposefully think through, and write down, alternative explanations for your partner or loved one’s behavior. Reminding yourself of the positive aspects and strengths of your relationship can help to counterbalance the emotional impact of recent conflict.

Finally, it is important to identify your needs and boundaries, so that you can be prepared to express them effectively.

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might feel conflicted or paralyzed by the rupture, uncertain whether to confront it or withdraw.

It’s important to create a safe space for reflection, perhaps by journaling or speaking with a trusted friend or therapist. For example, while working with a therapist, you might reflect on the sequence of events involved in the conflict, and identify the specific triggers for feelings of confusion or emotional overwhelm.

It is not uncommon for our responses to conflict to be influenced by past traumatic experiences within relationships, and a therapist can also help you identify whether your reaction may be influenced past trauma.

Learning how to compassionately acknowledge fears that are activated within our closest relationships can be an important first step towards lessening their control over our reactions, and pave the way for learning how to effectively communicate your needs and emotions clearly.

Over time, it is possible to build a sense of security within your relationship while working through the conflict.

Secure Attachment: If you're securely attached, you might naturally acknowledge and reflect on ruptures. Even if the issue seems minor, taking the time to reflect on your emotions and actions will reinforce your ability to respond to conflict effectively..

2. Open a Compassionate Dialogue

Once you've identified the source of the rupture, the next step is to open a dialogue with your partner.

Approach the conversation with empathy, aiming to understand your partner's perspective without rushing to defend yourself or fix the problem immediately.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.” Consider writing down what you’d like to say, so that you can read or reference your notes when discussing your concerns with your partner. Encourage your partner to share their feelings as well, and to make sure they have a chance to feel heard and validated.

If you begin to feel overwhelmed when communicating with your partner, let them know that repairing the conflict is important to you, and that in order to do that well, you need to take a break to self-regulate. Let your partner know that you will return to work through the issue. Try to provide a reasonable time estimate, such as 30 minutes, and stick to it, so that your partner is less likely to feel abandoned.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant style, opening up a dialogue might feel like exposing yourself to criticism.

Prioritize understanding your partner, rather than defending yourself.

For example, instead of saying, "I didn’t think it was a big deal," try, "I want to understand how my actions affected you, even if I didn’t see it that way initially."

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, you might fear that the conversation could lead to further conflict or rejection.

Before engaging, practice calming techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness to soothe your nerves.

When you start the conversation, use “I” statements, such as, “I felt hurt when this happened, and I’d like to understand how you felt.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style may struggle with maintaining a calm and coherent dialogue due to conflicting emotions.

To help with this, consider writing down your thoughts beforehand or even creating a “communication script” to keep the conversation focused.

For example, plan to say, “I’m feeling a lot of different emotions about what happened, and I’d like to talk through them with you.”

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals often excel in opening compassionate dialogues. Ensure that you continue to listen actively to your partner and validate their feelings.

You might say, “I noticed we were both upset earlier, and I want to make sure we’re both okay now. How are you feeling about what happened?”

3. Take Responsibility and Offer a Sincere Apology

Taking responsibility for our part in the rupture is key to repairing and restoring trust within our relationships. Offer a sincere apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings and the impact of your actions.

For example, “I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and that was not my intention.”

Avoidant Attachment: Apologizing might make you feel vulnerable, as it can seem like a loss of control. To reframe this, remind yourself that taking responsibility is a strength, not a weakness.

You might say, “I’m sorry for my reaction earlier. I see now that it hurt you, and I’m committed to working on this.” This approach allows you to take ownership while maintaining your sense of self.

Anxious Attachment: With an anxious attachment style, you might be quick to apologize, sometimes even for things that aren’t your fault, out of a fear of losing your partner. It’s important to apologize sincerely, but also ensure that you’re only taking responsibility for your own actions.

For instance, say, “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier, but I’d also like to talk about how we can both communicate better next time.”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might struggle with offering a coherent apology due to inner conflict. To help with this, take time to process your feelings first, perhaps with a supportive friend or therapist. When you’re ready, offer an apology that acknowledges your partner’s feelings, such as, “I’m sorry for how I acted. I realize it was confusing, and I’m working on understanding my own feelings better.”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often find it easier to apologize because they are confident in their relationships. Continue to offer sincere apologies that acknowledge the impact of your actions, like, “I’m really sorry for interrupting you earlier. I didn’t realize how it made you feel unheard, and I’ll be more mindful in the future.”

4. Create a Plan for Moving Forward

After acknowledging the rupture and apologizing, it’s important to collaborate with your partner on a plan to prevent similar issues in the future. Discuss what each of you needs to feel secure and understood moving forward. Set clear expectations and boundaries that respect both partners’ needs. For example, you might agree to check in with each other regularly or establish a “time-out” signal for when emotions run high.

Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, the idea of making a plan might feel restrictive or unnecessary.

However, collaborating with your partner can actually strengthen your autonomy by establishing clear boundaries and expectations.

You might agree to regular check-ins or create a “time-out” signal when things get heated, ensuring both partners feel secure without feeling trapped.

Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, creating a plan might feel like a way to regain security in the relationship, but it’s important to ensure the plan is balanced and respects both partners’ needs.

For example, you might suggest, “Let’s agree to check in with each other every evening, but also give each other space when we need it.”

Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style might find it challenging to stick to a plan due to inconsistent feelings.

It can be helpful to start small and build consistency over time. You might begin with something simple, like setting aside 10 minutes each day to discuss how you’re both feeling, gradually building trust in the process.

Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals are typically comfortable with creating and following through on plans. Use this strength to ensure the plan is clear and mutually agreed upon, like, “Let’s set aside some time each week to talk about how things are going and what we can do to support each other.”

5. Rebuild Trust Through Consistency and Patience

Repairing a relationship rupture is not a one-time event but an ongoing process. In order to rebuild and strengthen trust, it is crucial to remain consistent in our words and actions, and patience with our partner’s healing process. Demonstrate reliability and follow through on any commitments made during your discussions. Trust is rebuilt through small, consistent actions that reinforce your commitment to the relationship.

Avoidant Attachment: Rebuilding trust might feel uncomfortable because it requires consistent emotional availability, which can be challenging for individuals with avoidant attachment.

Focus on small, manageable steps, like consistently following through on promises or being present during important conversations. Remind yourself that this consistency will strengthen your relationship without compromising your independence.

Anxious Attachment: For those with an anxious attachment style, trust might need more frequent reassurance.

It’s important to communicate your needs clearly while also recognizing your partner’s efforts. You might say, “I really appreciate when you check in with me during the day—it helps me feel secure.”

Disorganized Attachment: With a disorganized attachment style, you might find it difficult to be consistent due to fluctuating emotions.

Work on maintaining small, consistent actions, like sending a daily message to your partner or setting regular times to connect. Gradual consistency can help rebuild trust and create a sense of stability.

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals usually find it natural to be consistent and patient in rebuilding trust.

Continue to demonstrate reliability and be patient with your partner’s healing process. You might say, “I know trust takes time to rebuild, and I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to make sure you feel secure.”

6. Practice Self-Care and Self-Reflection

Lastly, maintaining a healthy relationship requires ongoing self-care and self-reflection. Taking care of your own emotional well-being ensures that you can show up as your best self in your relationships. Engage in regular self-care activities that help you manage stress and stay emotionally balanced. If you find certain patterns challenging, consider seeking support from a therapist.

Avoidant Attachment: For those with an avoidant attachment style, self-care might involve activities that allow for independence, such as solo hobbies or mindfulness practices. However, it’s also important to reflect on how your need for space impacts your partner.

Consider integrating practices that help you stay emotionally present, like journaling about your feelings or setting aside time for regular self-reflection.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may benefit from self-care activities that help regulate emotions, such as meditation, yoga, or therapy.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider how they affect your relationships. For example, you might ask yourself, “How can I practice patience and trust without needing constant reassurance?”

Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style, self-care might involve finding ways to calm and regulate your emotions, such as through therapy, meditation, or creative outlets like art or writing.

Reflect on your attachment patterns and consider seeking professional support to navigate complex emotions. Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel more grounded and secure in my relationships?”

Secure Attachment: Secure individuals often have a good balance between self-care and relationship care.

Continue to practice self-reflection and ensure that you’re taking care of your own emotional needs while being present for your partner. You might ask yourself, “Am I maintaining a healthy balance between my own needs and my partner’s needs?”

Conclusion

Repairing ruptures within relationships is a critical skill that can lead to stronger, more resilient connections. By understanding and applying attachment theory, we can better navigate conflicts and foster healthy, enduring relationships. Rise Psychology offers support and strategies to help you develop these essential skills and improve your relational health. For personalized guidance and more tips on repairing relational ruptures, reach out to us at Rise Psychology.

References:

- Bowlby, J. (1982). *Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment*. Basic Books.

- Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). *Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation*. Erlbaum.

- Johnson, S. M. (2019). *Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families*. The Guilford Press.

- Tatkin, S. (2016). *Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship*. New Harbinger Publications.

Love, Bonding, & Conflict: Understanding Attachment Styles

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

We are wired for connection to others. Relationships can give our lives such meaning, joy, and fulfillment, and help us to meet our emotional, spiritual, intellectual, creative, and physical needs. Yet we are often left bewildered as to why our relationships can cause us such pain - and why we can act in such unhelpful ways in response to conflict with the people we care most about. Attachment theory is an empirically-supported framework that can help shed light on how and why we experience struggle (or peace of mind) within our most important relationships. Understanding the role of our attachment style in our relationships can help relieve of us of the shame and confusion that often comes when we experience unexpected pain and difficulty with our loved ones. It can also offer us a roadmap, pointing us towards what we need, and what we can do, when facing relationship troubles.

Attachment Theory

According to attachment theory, our bonds (attachments) to important people in our lives are influenced by our earliest of relationships – the relationship we had with our parents or caregivers (whomever we felt closely bonded to and were raised by) when we were infants. These are the very first relationships that we experience in life, and are thought to act as our first model of relationship. They shape how we believe relationships work and how we respond to intimacy (as well as the threat of loss of intimacy), thus powerfully affecting how we experience the close relationships that emerge and evolve later throughout our adult lives.

John Bowlby is famously known for developing attachment theory, which posits that there is an evolutionary impetus for the infant’s bond with her parent or caregiver, given the complete reliance on the caregiver for survival. Attachment theory was expanded upon, and provided with further empirical support by Mary Ainsworth, who is known for the Strange Situation Classification studies that she conducted. These studies suggested that based upon how our caregivers responded to us as infants, we develop certain “attachment styles,” or ways of attaching to others and reacting to relationship threat. It was found that infants responded in one out of four possible ways (secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure-ambivalent, and disorganized) when they were separated from and then reunited with their mothers, based on the degree of security they experienced within the relationship.

ATTACHMENT STYLES

Attachment styles are the relational patterns that can explain many of the perplexing ways we act in relationships even as adults. It can be helpful to think of attachment styles as learned cognitive, emotional, and behavioral tendencies that occur within intimate relationships, which are likely the result of exposure to certain environmental conditions (i.e. certain family, caregiver, or parenting behaviors), as well as (possibly) genetic factors, such as the temperament we are born with. Attachment styles also tend to be intergenerational (passed on from generation to generation).

In a nutshell, based on the Strange Situation Test studies, behaviors demonstrated by infants when separated and reunited with their mothers were classified as having the following attachment styles:

• Secure attachment: When their mother was nearby, securely attached infants felt safe and secure enough to explore the novel surroundings and play. When separated, infants demonstrated distress, and when their mother returned, they sought contact with her and were soothed, then resumed play. It was found that securely-attached infants tended to have mothers that were available, responsive and attentive to the infant’s needs, meeting them in an appropriate manner.

• Insecure-ambivalent attachment: When their mother was nearby, insecure-ambivalently attached infants remained in closer proximity to their mothers, and evidenced some levels of distress even before being separated. When separated, these infants demonstrated significant levels of distress. When reunited, infants appeared both ambivalent towards their mother – both upset and angry with her (protesting at her having left), but also anxious about her leaving again in the future. Thus, it took them longer to feel soothed and safe again. Infants with an insecure-ambivalent attachment style tend to have had parents who unpredictably vacillated between being responsive and available, to unavailable, rejecting, or unresponsive. As a result of the unpredictability, the security and safety of the attachment figure and bond is compromised, and infants feel anxious and uncertain about whether or not their needs will be met.

• Insecure-avoidant attachment: When their mother was nearby, insecure-avoidantly attached infants paid little attention to her, and also explored or played in the environment less. When separated from their mother, they evidenced little to no distress. When their mother returned, they tended to ignore or appear unaffected by her presence. They tended to avoid physical contact or find it aversive. It was found that avoidantly attached individuals tended to have mothers who were either predictably unavailable, cold, or rejecting (thus, the infant learned to emotionally distance themselves from the mother in order to cope with distress caused by experiencing their needs as consistently unmet), or mothers who were overly intrusive (causing high levels of distress, causing the infant to distance to regulate a sense of emotional overwhelm). Despite acting unphased by the absence or presence of their mothers, later research found that these infants only outwardly showed no distress, but had increased heart rate and other evidence of internal emotional distress.

• Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment: This fourth level of attachment classification was developed by Mary Ainsworth’s graduate student, Mary Main. During the Strange Situation Test, infants’s responses to their mothers lacked coherence, and were demonstrated in “unorganized” or contradictory ways. Infants might act overtly fearful, confused, dazed, dissociated, or frozen. Infants with disorganized attachment tended to have experienced an inconsistent and dysregulating style of caregiving, including exposure to some form of interpersonal trauma or abuse, that taught the infant that relationships are unsafe. The need and desire to connect and bond with others remains, but closeness and intimacy with others can feel overwhelmingly threatening.

ATTACHMENT STYLES AND RELATIONSHIPS

Similar to infant attachment styles, adult attachment styles are related to the level of predictability in availability, responsiveness, and nurturing we receive from our partners. In adults, attachment styles influence how we may interact with our partners because they act as a lens through which we see and experience relationships, and how safe and secure we assume relationships typically are. Research by Shaver and Hazan supports the notion that we often behave with our adult romantic partners in a similar fashion to how we responded with our caregivers as infants. The four main attachment styles observed in adult relationships are (1) a secure attachment style, (2) anxious-preoccupied attachment style, (3) dismissive-avoidant attachment style, and (4) fearful-avoidant attachment style. People with secure attachment tend to have experienced caregivers who acted in predictable, empathically attuned, supportive, and respectful ways; thus, securely attached adults typically feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness. People with anxious-preoccupied attachment tend to have had caregivers who acted in an unpredictable and inconsistent manner - at times offering love, at times acting distantly or in a rejecting manner, often without warning - thus, anxious-preoccupied adults tend to experience anxiety and preoccupation within their partnerships. People with avoidance-dismissive attachment tend to have experienced caregivers who either acted intrusively (like “helicopter parenting”), or uninterested and aloof; avoidantly attached adults tend prioritize space within relationships, and shut down or detach more easily when they feel threatened or encroached upon. People with fearful/avoidant attachment tend to have had caregivers who were unpredictable, emotionally volatile, and/or abusive; thus, they tend to experience significant emotional dysregulation within their relationships.

Our experience of any intimate, close relationship may be influenced by our attachment style. When it comes romantic relationships, our attachment style is likely to be activated and interact with our partner’s attachment style once we develop a sense of emotional intimacy. The reality is that we will often encounter others in our lives who do not share our attachment style, and at times, our differing attachment styles will themselves become the source of conflict. However, it is important to keep in mind that no attachment style is inherently “right” or “wrong.” Our attachment styles developed as adaptations to the particular demands of the relational environment that we were brought up within. So, in order to improve our ability to practice empathy, understanding, and recognition of differing attachment styles, here is a description that of how it can “feel” to have each attachment style, in the first-person using plain language:

• Secure Adult Attachment: My relationship with myself, and my relationships with others, are often a source of joy and satisfaction. Of course things aren’t perfect, but overall, I feel that my relationships provide me with a firm and solid foundation - they contribute to the sense of stability in my life, and support my personal growth. I know I am connected to those who love me, even when I am not there with them. Periods of separation by time or physical distance feels comfortable because I know and trust that I will be reconnected with my loved ones again within a reasonable time-frame. I also know I am free to be me, able to honor and express who I authentically am, because I know those in my life will consistently respond to me with acceptance, love and respect. I can trust that my boundaries and needs will be honored. Furthermore, I am able to take responsibility and ownership for mistakes and shortcomings because I can trust that my close relationships will remain a safe haven despite my imperfections - I will not be abandoned or abused for messing up. Thus, I can trust in myself, others, and in life. This makes me feel safe enough to freely venture out and pursue what I want out of life.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: I very much want to be in relationships, and crave feeling close to those I care about. The problem is, I can't trust others to be there for me when I need them, at least not consistently. Sometimes I feel more stable when I am not in a relationship. Once I get involved with someone, I can become overly-fixated on my partner, because I can’t stop thinking about or talking about them, especially once I develop feelings. If we aren’t together, this can feel emotionally painful, leaving me feeling incomplete or like something is missing in life. There is a part of me that believes I will be left desperate and alone unless I give all that I am, but I often try to hide this from you, or myself, because the last thing I want is to be considered needy. The reality is, I lose myself in you because on some level, it does feel that without you, I don’t have air I need to breathe. I know what it is like to have been abandoned by others, and by the world, and unfortunately, I have learned to also abandon myself in the service of creating or preventing the loss of connection. This makes it really difficult for me to respect your boundaries and needs for space, as well as my own boundaries. When I perceive space between us, this feels like distance - like disconnection - and it can lead me to panic. Your need to take space can feel personal - like you no longer want me. That’s why I can get angry and act out sometimes, even when you come back. My inner foundation or sense of self can be wobbly and shifting when I am in relationship, because my sense of satisfaction and security depends upon how well I think you are treating me. Often, I do not feel safe unless I'm in your arms, and that makes me feel powerless sometimes because you are not always there, or do not always seem to want to hold me.

• Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment: I consider myself to be a very independent person, and you won’t often (or ever) catch me saying that I need others. I’ve learned to rely on myself, and I’m proud of that. But sometimes I do lose myself in fantasies of what it might like to be with the perfect partner - someone who is like me, who doesn’t have many needs, and who likes to have a lot of personal space! Personal space is of paramount importance, and I’m not always sure why, but I might often think that it is just because I’m independent, and others need too much. However, when I really reflect on my desire for personal space, I might admit that sometimes I get lonely too, or feel disconnected and dissatisfied, but I am not fully certain as to why. Sometimes people have said that I have difficulty letting others in. In my opinion, you must be very special for me to let you in. And maybe I am not letting you in because I feel suffocated when you get too close? The reality is, when others get close to me, there is a part of me that is afraid I might lose myself in your demands for closeness - that I might have to give up who I truly am, or let you “invade” not just my space, but my sense of who I am. I have had others try to invade me before, or completely ignore me - both of those responses taught me to not have needs in relationship, and to take care of myself. So when you push a relationship with me, it feels like you are trying to put your needs on me, while also trying to take "me" away. All the while, I can never give you enough of me - it seems like you truly want me to give you more than I am capable of offering. When you call out my tendency to take space and distance, this feels overwhelming, and also can annoy me - you don’t realize you are pushing me away by not respecting my independence and freedom. When you encroach upon who I am, I will push back against you and then shut down or flee. You will not catch me — I am not willing to compromise my freedom or sense of self to stay connected. I do not truly feel safe in the world, because it feels like it might consume me. I fight back against this part of my reality by always following the path of freedom, or at the very least, fleeing and escaping the world’s grasp before it can catch me.  

• Fearful/Avoidant Attachment: I am not really sure who I am, or how I feel about relationships… especially romantic ones. Relationships are incredibly confusing and disorienting. I feel thrust back and forth between ecstatic heights and devastating lows in relationships. It can be so exhilarating that I crave connection like a drug, but so exhausting and damaging that it can take quite a while to recover. Sometimes I love you (you can seem like to best person in the world to me), sometimes I hate you (because you have hurt or betrayed me, and I can’t trust you anymore) - I tend to live in these extremes - but I’m just as whipped around by these extremes as you are. It is automatic, and it can often make me feel ashamed by how unpredictably I might feel or act towards you. I question what’s wrong with me, and I can be extremely hard on myself (and others). The problem is, I’ve been let down by people in my life, again and again. Opening myself to the connection and love I truly need, has always caused me such disappointment and despair. Others have not treated me well throughout my life. I’ve never had a chance to feel truly safe in relationships with others, and I’ve also never felt safe within the relationship with myself. The world feels unsafe too - there’s a lot of pain and chaos, and often no one to reliably turn towards. This can make life a living hell. I truly want to have better, and do better, I’m just not sure I can have it or deserve it.

What You Can DO

Thus far, we have touched on how each attachment style may act as a different “lens” or way of viewing and experiencing relationships. Relationships either experienced as reliably safe, or not, depending upon the experiences we’ve had with those who played significant roles in our lives. The lens associated with each particular attachment style influences how we perceive our partners, and how we automatically attempt to ensure that relational needs are met. When our attachment style-driven needs clash with those of our partners, it can be incredibly painful and confusing - because each person’s needs are valid, despite being different - yet also, not compatible during the heat of the moment. Partnerships between anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners can be particularly difficult, as each partner’s style of responding to conflict (pursuit of closeness, avoidance of closeness, respectively) can further activate distress and problematic responding in the other.

When we think that our needs may not be met in our partnerships, we may blame our partner for being unable to meet these needs, and then double-down with whatever behavior our attachment style encourages us to lose ourselves in. Rarely does this lead to a successful outcome. Rather than blaming our partner for being unable to meet our needs, it can be helpful to view the our attachment styles as out of sync. Learn to see that the problem as “being out of sync,” not your partner. If you or your partner do not have a secure attachment style, this will be particularly important (and also challenging). The good news is that attachment styles don’t have to determine our relationship-patterns for the rest of our lives. It is possible for them to change if we are exposed to other relational models throughout our life (such as being in a relationship with a securely-attached person), or if we commit to developing a more secure attachment style ourselves within the context of therapy or another safe place that assists us in completing this kind of inner personal work. If we do not commit to learning about, and practicing the adoption of a more securely attached way of relating to our partners or other close loved ones, typically, these relational-models will continue to operate in our lives unchanged, and potentially indefinitely hijack our relationship experiences.

In my work with clients, understanding the role of attachment in our relationships can be an incredibly important first step towards reducing blame and judgment towards themselves or their partner. It is no one’s fault that they have a particular attachment style, but learning how to meet the needs of that particular attachment style, and more accurately understand and assess the needs of their partner, can be invaluable. With the development of self-awareness and a lot of intentional practice, we can learn how to move into a more securely attached style of relating to one another. In a sense, it is important not only to establish secure bonding with loved ones, but also with ourselves. Ultimately, we can feel more grounded, open, and receptive to love if we have established a secure base of consistently loving, warm, and supportive attention that we have learned to direct towards ourselves.

FURTHER READING

If you are interested in learning more about attachment styles, here are a few books that you may consider reading:

“Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

“Attachment Theory Workbook: Why is your attachment type impacting upon your happiness in relationships? Discover how to identify who is right for you and help to heal your wounds.” by David Lawson, PhD

“The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools to Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, and Build Lasting Relationships” by Annie Chen, LMFT

“Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Susan Johnson, EdD

REFERENCES

Ainsworth, M. S. (1979). Infant–mother attachment. American psychologist, 34(10), 932.

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Psychology Press.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model. Journal of personality and social psychology, 61(2), 226.

Bowlby, J., Fry, M., Ainsworth, M. D. S., & World Health Organization. (1965). Child care and the growth of love.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin.

Jones, J. D., Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2015). Parents’ self-reported attachment styles: A review of links with parenting behaviors, emotions, and cognitions. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(1), 44-76.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281.

Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. (1987) `Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process', Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52: 511-524.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown.