Love, Bonding, & Conflict: Understanding Attachment Styles

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

We are wired for connection to others. Relationships can give our lives such meaning, joy, and fulfillment, and help us to meet our emotional, spiritual, intellectual, creative, and physical needs. Yet we are often left bewildered as to why our relationships can cause us such pain - and why we can act in such unhelpful ways in response to conflict with the people we care most about. Attachment theory is an empirically-supported framework that can help shed light on how and why we experience struggle (or peace of mind) within our most important relationships. Understanding the role of our attachment style in our relationships can help relieve of us of the shame and confusion that often comes when we experience unexpected pain and difficulty with our loved ones. It can also offer us a roadmap, pointing us towards what we need, and what we can do, when facing relationship troubles.

Attachment Theory

According to attachment theory, our bonds (attachments) to important people in our lives are influenced by our earliest of relationships – the relationship we had with our parents or caregivers (whomever we felt closely bonded to and were raised by) when we were infants. These are the very first relationships that we experience in life, and are thought to act as our first model of relationship. They shape how we believe relationships work and how we respond to intimacy (as well as the threat of loss of intimacy), thus powerfully affecting how we experience the close relationships that emerge and evolve later throughout our adult lives.

John Bowlby is famously known for developing attachment theory, which posits that there is an evolutionary impetus for the infant’s bond with her parent or caregiver, given the complete reliance on the caregiver for survival. Attachment theory was expanded upon, and provided with further empirical support by Mary Ainsworth, who is known for the Strange Situation Classification studies that she conducted. These studies suggested that based upon how our caregivers responded to us as infants, we develop certain “attachment styles,” or ways of attaching to others and reacting to relationship threat. It was found that infants responded in one out of four possible ways (secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure-ambivalent, and disorganized) when they were separated from and then reunited with their mothers, based on the degree of security they experienced within the relationship.

ATTACHMENT STYLES

Attachment styles are the relational patterns that can explain many of the perplexing ways we act in relationships even as adults. It can be helpful to think of attachment styles as learned cognitive, emotional, and behavioral tendencies that occur within intimate relationships, which are likely the result of exposure to certain environmental conditions (i.e. certain family, caregiver, or parenting behaviors), as well as (possibly) genetic factors, such as the temperament we are born with. Attachment styles also tend to be intergenerational (passed on from generation to generation).

In a nutshell, based on the Strange Situation Test studies, behaviors demonstrated by infants when separated and reunited with their mothers were classified as having the following attachment styles:

• Secure attachment: When their mother was nearby, securely attached infants felt safe and secure enough to explore the novel surroundings and play. When separated, infants demonstrated distress, and when their mother returned, they sought contact with her and were soothed, then resumed play. It was found that securely-attached infants tended to have mothers that were available, responsive and attentive to the infant’s needs, meeting them in an appropriate manner.

• Insecure-ambivalent attachment: When their mother was nearby, insecure-ambivalently attached infants remained in closer proximity to their mothers, and evidenced some levels of distress even before being separated. When separated, these infants demonstrated significant levels of distress. When reunited, infants appeared both ambivalent towards their mother – both upset and angry with her (protesting at her having left), but also anxious about her leaving again in the future. Thus, it took them longer to feel soothed and safe again. Infants with an insecure-ambivalent attachment style tend to have had parents who unpredictably vacillated between being responsive and available, to unavailable, rejecting, or unresponsive. As a result of the unpredictability, the security and safety of the attachment figure and bond is compromised, and infants feel anxious and uncertain about whether or not their needs will be met.

• Insecure-avoidant attachment: When their mother was nearby, insecure-avoidantly attached infants paid little attention to her, and also explored or played in the environment less. When separated from their mother, they evidenced little to no distress. When their mother returned, they tended to ignore or appear unaffected by her presence. They tended to avoid physical contact or find it aversive. It was found that avoidantly attached individuals tended to have mothers who were either predictably unavailable, cold, or rejecting (thus, the infant learned to emotionally distance themselves from the mother in order to cope with distress caused by experiencing their needs as consistently unmet), or mothers who were overly intrusive (causing high levels of distress, causing the infant to distance to regulate a sense of emotional overwhelm). Despite acting unphased by the absence or presence of their mothers, later research found that these infants only outwardly showed no distress, but had increased heart rate and other evidence of internal emotional distress.

• Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment: This fourth level of attachment classification was developed by Mary Ainsworth’s graduate student, Mary Main. During the Strange Situation Test, infants’s responses to their mothers lacked coherence, and were demonstrated in “unorganized” or contradictory ways. Infants might act overtly fearful, confused, dazed, dissociated, or frozen. Infants with disorganized attachment tended to have experienced an inconsistent and dysregulating style of caregiving, including exposure to some form of interpersonal trauma or abuse, that taught the infant that relationships are unsafe. The need and desire to connect and bond with others remains, but closeness and intimacy with others can feel overwhelmingly threatening.

ATTACHMENT STYLES AND RELATIONSHIPS

Similar to infant attachment styles, adult attachment styles are related to the level of predictability in availability, responsiveness, and nurturing we receive from our partners. In adults, attachment styles influence how we may interact with our partners because they act as a lens through which we see and experience relationships, and how safe and secure we assume relationships typically are. Research by Shaver and Hazan supports the notion that we often behave with our adult romantic partners in a similar fashion to how we responded with our caregivers as infants. The four main attachment styles observed in adult relationships are (1) a secure attachment style, (2) anxious-preoccupied attachment style, (3) dismissive-avoidant attachment style, and (4) fearful-avoidant attachment style. People with secure attachment tend to have experienced caregivers who acted in predictable, empathically attuned, supportive, and respectful ways; thus, securely attached adults typically feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness. People with anxious-preoccupied attachment tend to have had caregivers who acted in an unpredictable and inconsistent manner - at times offering love, at times acting distantly or in a rejecting manner, often without warning - thus, anxious-preoccupied adults tend to experience anxiety and preoccupation within their partnerships. People with avoidance-dismissive attachment tend to have experienced caregivers who either acted intrusively (like “helicopter parenting”), or uninterested and aloof; avoidantly attached adults tend prioritize space within relationships, and shut down or detach more easily when they feel threatened or encroached upon. People with fearful/avoidant attachment tend to have had caregivers who were unpredictable, emotionally volatile, and/or abusive; thus, they tend to experience significant emotional dysregulation within their relationships.

Our experience of any intimate, close relationship may be influenced by our attachment style. When it comes romantic relationships, our attachment style is likely to be activated and interact with our partner’s attachment style once we develop a sense of emotional intimacy. The reality is that we will often encounter others in our lives who do not share our attachment style, and at times, our differing attachment styles will themselves become the source of conflict. However, it is important to keep in mind that no attachment style is inherently “right” or “wrong.” Our attachment styles developed as adaptations to the particular demands of the relational environment that we were brought up within. So, in order to improve our ability to practice empathy, understanding, and recognition of differing attachment styles, here is a description that of how it can “feel” to have each attachment style, in the first-person using plain language:

• Secure Adult Attachment: My relationship with myself, and my relationships with others, are often a source of joy and satisfaction. Of course things aren’t perfect, but overall, I feel that my relationships provide me with a firm and solid foundation - they contribute to the sense of stability in my life, and support my personal growth. I know I am connected to those who love me, even when I am not there with them. Periods of separation by time or physical distance feels comfortable because I know and trust that I will be reconnected with my loved ones again within a reasonable time-frame. I also know I am free to be me, able to honor and express who I authentically am, because I know those in my life will consistently respond to me with acceptance, love and respect. I can trust that my boundaries and needs will be honored. Furthermore, I am able to take responsibility and ownership for mistakes and shortcomings because I can trust that my close relationships will remain a safe haven despite my imperfections - I will not be abandoned or abused for messing up. Thus, I can trust in myself, others, and in life. This makes me feel safe enough to freely venture out and pursue what I want out of life.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: I very much want to be in relationships, and crave feeling close to those I care about. The problem is, I can't trust others to be there for me when I need them, at least not consistently. Sometimes I feel more stable when I am not in a relationship. Once I get involved with someone, I can become overly-fixated on my partner, because I can’t stop thinking about or talking about them, especially once I develop feelings. If we aren’t together, this can feel emotionally painful, leaving me feeling incomplete or like something is missing in life. There is a part of me that believes I will be left desperate and alone unless I give all that I am, but I often try to hide this from you, or myself, because the last thing I want is to be considered needy. The reality is, I lose myself in you because on some level, it does feel that without you, I don’t have air I need to breathe. I know what it is like to have been abandoned by others, and by the world, and unfortunately, I have learned to also abandon myself in the service of creating or preventing the loss of connection. This makes it really difficult for me to respect your boundaries and needs for space, as well as my own boundaries. When I perceive space between us, this feels like distance - like disconnection - and it can lead me to panic. Your need to take space can feel personal - like you no longer want me. That’s why I can get angry and act out sometimes, even when you come back. My inner foundation or sense of self can be wobbly and shifting when I am in relationship, because my sense of satisfaction and security depends upon how well I think you are treating me. Often, I do not feel safe unless I'm in your arms, and that makes me feel powerless sometimes because you are not always there, or do not always seem to want to hold me.

• Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment: I consider myself to be a very independent person, and you won’t often (or ever) catch me saying that I need others. I’ve learned to rely on myself, and I’m proud of that. But sometimes I do lose myself in fantasies of what it might like to be with the perfect partner - someone who is like me, who doesn’t have many needs, and who likes to have a lot of personal space! Personal space is of paramount importance, and I’m not always sure why, but I might often think that it is just because I’m independent, and others need too much. However, when I really reflect on my desire for personal space, I might admit that sometimes I get lonely too, or feel disconnected and dissatisfied, but I am not fully certain as to why. Sometimes people have said that I have difficulty letting others in. In my opinion, you must be very special for me to let you in. And maybe I am not letting you in because I feel suffocated when you get too close? The reality is, when others get close to me, there is a part of me that is afraid I might lose myself in your demands for closeness - that I might have to give up who I truly am, or let you “invade” not just my space, but my sense of who I am. I have had others try to invade me before, or completely ignore me - both of those responses taught me to not have needs in relationship, and to take care of myself. So when you push a relationship with me, it feels like you are trying to put your needs on me, while also trying to take "me" away. All the while, I can never give you enough of me - it seems like you truly want me to give you more than I am capable of offering. When you call out my tendency to take space and distance, this feels overwhelming, and also can annoy me - you don’t realize you are pushing me away by not respecting my independence and freedom. When you encroach upon who I am, I will push back against you and then shut down or flee. You will not catch me — I am not willing to compromise my freedom or sense of self to stay connected. I do not truly feel safe in the world, because it feels like it might consume me. I fight back against this part of my reality by always following the path of freedom, or at the very least, fleeing and escaping the world’s grasp before it can catch me.  

• Fearful/Avoidant Attachment: I am not really sure who I am, or how I feel about relationships… especially romantic ones. Relationships are incredibly confusing and disorienting. I feel thrust back and forth between ecstatic heights and devastating lows in relationships. It can be so exhilarating that I crave connection like a drug, but so exhausting and damaging that it can take quite a while to recover. Sometimes I love you (you can seem like to best person in the world to me), sometimes I hate you (because you have hurt or betrayed me, and I can’t trust you anymore) - I tend to live in these extremes - but I’m just as whipped around by these extremes as you are. It is automatic, and it can often make me feel ashamed by how unpredictably I might feel or act towards you. I question what’s wrong with me, and I can be extremely hard on myself (and others). The problem is, I’ve been let down by people in my life, again and again. Opening myself to the connection and love I truly need, has always caused me such disappointment and despair. Others have not treated me well throughout my life. I’ve never had a chance to feel truly safe in relationships with others, and I’ve also never felt safe within the relationship with myself. The world feels unsafe too - there’s a lot of pain and chaos, and often no one to reliably turn towards. This can make life a living hell. I truly want to have better, and do better, I’m just not sure I can have it or deserve it.

What You Can DO

Thus far, we have touched on how each attachment style may act as a different “lens” or way of viewing and experiencing relationships. Relationships either experienced as reliably safe, or not, depending upon the experiences we’ve had with those who played significant roles in our lives. The lens associated with each particular attachment style influences how we perceive our partners, and how we automatically attempt to ensure that relational needs are met. When our attachment style-driven needs clash with those of our partners, it can be incredibly painful and confusing - because each person’s needs are valid, despite being different - yet also, not compatible during the heat of the moment. Partnerships between anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners can be particularly difficult, as each partner’s style of responding to conflict (pursuit of closeness, avoidance of closeness, respectively) can further activate distress and problematic responding in the other.

When we think that our needs may not be met in our partnerships, we may blame our partner for being unable to meet these needs, and then double-down with whatever behavior our attachment style encourages us to lose ourselves in. Rarely does this lead to a successful outcome. Rather than blaming our partner for being unable to meet our needs, it can be helpful to view the our attachment styles as out of sync. Learn to see that the problem as “being out of sync,” not your partner. If you or your partner do not have a secure attachment style, this will be particularly important (and also challenging). The good news is that attachment styles don’t have to determine our relationship-patterns for the rest of our lives. It is possible for them to change if we are exposed to other relational models throughout our life (such as being in a relationship with a securely-attached person), or if we commit to developing a more secure attachment style ourselves within the context of therapy or another safe place that assists us in completing this kind of inner personal work. If we do not commit to learning about, and practicing the adoption of a more securely attached way of relating to our partners or other close loved ones, typically, these relational-models will continue to operate in our lives unchanged, and potentially indefinitely hijack our relationship experiences.

In my work with clients, understanding the role of attachment in our relationships can be an incredibly important first step towards reducing blame and judgment towards themselves or their partner. It is no one’s fault that they have a particular attachment style, but learning how to meet the needs of that particular attachment style, and more accurately understand and assess the needs of their partner, can be invaluable. With the development of self-awareness and a lot of intentional practice, we can learn how to move into a more securely attached style of relating to one another. In a sense, it is important not only to establish secure bonding with loved ones, but also with ourselves. Ultimately, we can feel more grounded, open, and receptive to love if we have established a secure base of consistently loving, warm, and supportive attention that we have learned to direct towards ourselves.

FURTHER READING

If you are interested in learning more about attachment styles, here are a few books that you may consider reading:

“Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

“Attachment Theory Workbook: Why is your attachment type impacting upon your happiness in relationships? Discover how to identify who is right for you and help to heal your wounds.” by David Lawson, PhD

“The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools to Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, and Build Lasting Relationships” by Annie Chen, LMFT

“Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Susan Johnson, EdD

REFERENCES

Ainsworth, M. S. (1979). Infant–mother attachment. American psychologist, 34(10), 932.

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Psychology Press.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model. Journal of personality and social psychology, 61(2), 226.

Bowlby, J., Fry, M., Ainsworth, M. D. S., & World Health Organization. (1965). Child care and the growth of love.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin.

Jones, J. D., Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2015). Parents’ self-reported attachment styles: A review of links with parenting behaviors, emotions, and cognitions. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(1), 44-76.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281.

Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. (1987) `Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process', Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52: 511-524.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown.