The Most Important & Difficult Thing To Do: Learning to Love & Accept Yourself

Written by Lauren Helm, Ph.D.

Take a moment to pause and reflect on the relationship that you have with yourself. What is it like? My relationship with myself is.....

So many of us have difficulty answering this question because we are not even sure what it means. It may be the first the time that we’ve even recognized that we do, indeed, have a relationship with ourselves, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. We have had this relationship with ourselves since we were young children, and it has continued to evolve throughout our lives. However, as opposed to many other relationships that come and go, this relationship is here to stay whether we like it or not, and has the power to influence our lives like no other relationship may.

We are often powerfully affected when others respond to us with kindness, love, or acceptance, which can foster a fundamental sense of trust and safety in being who we are. We can be just as powerfully affected when others who play significant roles in our lives respond to us with harshness, criticism, judgment or condemnation, making relationships feel unsafe - the source of emotional pain. The ways that others respond to us (and we to them) have great power in affecting how we experience relationships in general. Consider, now, how you typically respond to yourself? In times of happiness or sadness, how do you relate to yourself and your experiences (your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviors)? Is it a supportive stance characterized by gentleness, soothing, understanding, and deep trust?

So often we automatically and in subtle (or not so subtle ways) respond to ourselves in times of pain in a cold, rejecting manner. We can even punish ourselves for feeling pain, for “being weak.” In times of success, accomplishment, or celebration, we might even block ourselves from fully opening to natural happiness or joy, perhaps because in the back of our minds lurks an insidious doubt or lack of trust in our deserving of success, or our ability to tolerate the possible loss of the happiness that we have worked so hard to “earn.”

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it so common to become our own biggest critic, so often undermining ourselves in the name of self-betterment? It is startling to come to a full realization of just how “normal” it is to engage in self-deprecation or of pointing out the validity of our flaws…whereas, if we were to do this in a relationship with another, we would (rightly so) consider this to be emotional abuse.

The relationship with self has been the subject of growing interest. Psychologists have begun to explore why it is so common to treat ourselves so harshly, and what we can do to shift into a more authentic, resilient, strong, and nourishing stance towards ourselves. Fortunately, psychological research is demonstrating that not only does our relationship with ourselves affect our well-being, it can also be healed and strengthened. You can learn to become your own greatest resource, cultivating a radically different relationship with the very valuable, authentic YOU.

Shame & Self-Criticism

Usually, the quality of our relationship with ourselves is undermined by shame and self-criticism, which go hand-in-hand and play an insidious role in our lives. Shame results from a global negative evaluation of one's self-worth, resulting in a cascade of associated cognitive, emotional, and behavioral experiences characterized by painful self-hatred or self-loathing. Shame is typically born from the belief that "I am bad" (or worthless, defective, unloveable, etc.), a conclusion that we often arrive at, in some form or another, during early childhood, when believe that we are quite literally the center of the universe, and that "good" or "bad" things happen in our lives because of US (e.g. "A bad thing happened, it must have happened because of me...therefore I must be bad."). It is also not uncommon to have also been literally told that we were "bad" in some way or another (e.g. "you are being so bad today, stop that!") by important figures in our lives, and (unintentionally or not) sent the message that we will only be loved and accepted for being "good." When these messages are repeatedly received, they are internalized, and set the stage for learning that love and acceptance are conditional based on who we are, and easily lost if we are not who others want us to be. In reality, we all make mistakes, and mess up, and this in no way means that we are fundamentally flawed, defective, or that we are unloveable. However, when we feel shame, however, it truly feels like we messed up because there is something deeply wrong with who we are. Self-criticism (or the "inner critic") then becomes the brain's attempt at trying to "fix" what is "wrong" with us, in order to avoid being fundamentally rejected or disowned by others, but ultimately leaves us feeling beaten down, and more miserable and isolated, because we are essentially rejecting ourselves. Depending upon our later relational experiences, the modeling of others, and society's unrealistic messages about who we should be, shame and self-criticism may continue to be reinforced, become more embedded, and more fully invade our sense of self. The hurt and shamed inner-child within us is typically carried forward into our adult lives, perhaps hidden underground beneath our conscious awareness, but still powerfully affecting how we lead our lives and whether we feel safe enough to show up (or not) fully as ourselves.

Self-Validation 

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” – Brene Brown 

How do we begin reversing the damage that entrenched shame and self-criticism can cause? We can start by practicing self-validation. Self-validation is all about acknowledging and making sense of your experience. To state that something is “valid” does not mean that it is “right” or “justified.” Validation is not about judging or evaluating ourselves or our experiences. Validation is simply about recognizing that our experiences, on some level, make sense. There is a logical reason that things have come to be the way that they have if we consider the larger picture. Even more intense emotions that others may deem “excessive” or “inappropriate” are valid; it makes sense that you are feeling the way that you are because of many intertwining factors that have caused things to be the way that they are (your history and past experiences, the current conditions, current coping skills, beliefs, etc all lead to the events that occur). 

This does not mean that we should or shouldn’t change our experience (“should’s” and “oughts” are judgments that imply the superiority or inferiority of whatever is judged). Dr. Linehan asserts that all emotions are valid (not necessarily justified or condoned), but that this has nothing to do with whether or not acting on the emotion is effective, or whether the intensity of the emotion matches the facts of the situation. Acknowledging our emotions (even those we believe are “overreactions”) is a vastly important prerequisite for change. When we make sense of our emotions (as opposed to denying, resisting, or struggling with them), and acknowledge how it is that they have come to be, we also can validate that WE make sense. 

Why is this important? So many of us grow up or live in invalidating environments – environments that send us the message that what we naturally feel and who we are doesn’t make sense in some way. This is invalidation – being told that your authentic way of being and experiencing the world is wrong in some way. 

When we receive the message that there is something “wrong” with who we naturally are, it can be extremely painful and confusing, leading to a growing distrust of our own experiences and ourselves. We often (consciously or unconsciously) come to the conclusion that there is something fundamentally wrong with us, and thus, we need to change who we are. 

It typically feels awful to believe that you don’t make sense, that you are “crazy” for feeling a certain way, or can’t trust your own experiences. Sometimes we run away from believing that there is something “wrong” with us by chasing an idea of perfection, in the hopes that one day we will be wholly acceptable, loved, and “make sense.” As many know, trying to run away from who we truly are is a never-ending battle that often creates significant pain and suffering.

Because so many of us learn that who we are does not “make sense” or is in some way “wrong,” we begin to develop a self-invalidating relationship with ourselves. It is not too surprising, then, that an “inner critic” appears to grow within and take on a life of its own.

Self-Compassion

The “inner critic” and its counterpart, self-compassion, have been extensively researched by Dr. Kristin Neff, a research psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Neff has done a great deal of work to bring the concept of self-compassion to the Western psychological field. A rapidly growing body of research is discovering just how key self-compassion is to our well-being, and may be the antidote to the musings of the inner self-critic. Dr. Neff breaks down self-compassion into three core components: 

• Self-Kindness: Self-kindness refers to the ability to be gentle or kind with oneself during suffering, as opposed to Self-Judgment, which is the tendency to be harsh or critical towards oneself.
• Common Humanity: Common humanity refers to the recognition that we are united in our suffering – all human beings experience pain, and this is actually something that connects us. This is the opposite of what she terms Isolation, which is when we feel very isolated or alone in our pain, perhaps believing that we are the only one to be going through this painful experience while most others are happy.
• Mindfulness: Mindfulness refers to the ability to be aware of and allowing of emotions, as opposed to Over-Identification, which is when we fixate on, overly-identify with, or “grab onto” negative emotional states. 

The seeds of self-compassion can be planted and cultivated in our lives, “combating” the harsh or invalidating fashion that may currently characterize the way we currently relate towards ourselves (often based on past conditioning as mentioned above). Dr. Neff provides free meditations and self-compassion exercises for just that purpose. Learning how to effectively self-soothe and fully embrace yourself through the up’s and down’s of life is an invaluable skill. It can be likened to building a steady foundation upon which you can rest when things get rough, and a launching pad from which to leap when you are ready to soar.

Researchers are currently investigating the specific ways that self-compassion interventions affect us. Though more research is needed, what is being discovered is that when we adopt a more accepting, compassionate response towards ourselves (as opposed to a harsh, unrelenting stance), we are able to perform better (yes, we actually achieve more when we are kind to ourselves versus harsh towards ourselves!) and are more psychologically resilient in many regards. Building the ability to generate and direct a compassionate, warm, soothing stance towards ourselves may also help to regulate our threat-detection system. Paul Gilbert proposes that a compassionate, soothing, and affiliative stance towards oneself improves an individual’s ability to regulate difficult or threat-based emotions. Self-directed compassion is thought to reduce sensitivity to threat and also improve the individual’s ability to access, tolerate, and effectively express emotions by creating a sense of safety, as opposed to reactively or avoidantly responding to distress (Gilbert, 2013; Gilbert & Procter, 2006). We can learn how to be a resource for ourselves, better able to soothe and regulate painful emotions, and thus be able to more effectively manage the tasks of living. 

Ultimately, when the “inner critic” takes a backseat, and we listen instead to the inner “compassionate friend,” we free ourselves up from the draining, undermining nature of self-criticism. We also can begin to learn to trust ourselves again – learning, on a deep, experiential level that we CAN make it through life’s challenges. We can be our own greatest resource by learning to provide ourselves with the comfort and loving acceptance that all human beings long for.

Vulnerability & Authenticity

"The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination" (Rogers, 1967, p. 187).

Establishing a deep sense of trust in yourself in no easy task, and shame creates unseen hurdles along the way. Importantly, shame is an emotion that differs from guilt. Whereas guilt is a feeling that arises from perceiving that you did something bad, shame is a feeling that YOU are fundamentally bad. All of us experience shame in various ways and to differing degrees. Shame often provokes us to hide from ourselves; to “omit” or remove aspects of ourselves that we believe are unworthy and unacceptable. This “disconnecting” from parts of ourselves can be thought of as akin to putting a blindfold on, or even more extreme, trying to cut off a major limb because we judged this limb as being undesirable or “bad.” This approach usually does not serve us very well, and just makes things more painful and challenging in the long run.

Attempting to hide from ourselves creates a major disconnect. If we are not truly in touch with the fullness of who we really are (ALL of the “good” and the “bad,” who we really are vs. who we think we “ought” to be), how can we have a solid, healthy relationship with ourselves? How can we be self-aware enough to connect with a sense of wholeness, if we are hiding from ourselves on some level? Trusting in yourself can be thought of as rooted in self-awareness (for example, fully owning what your true preferences and dislikes are, what your strengths and what areas you are still developing and growing in, what you really want for yourself versus what you believe others think you should do, etc). How can you really rely on and believe in yourself to navigate life effectively when you cannot really see who you are with clarity?

A commitment to authenticity, daring to be freely and truly YOU (all of who you are, exactly as you are, imperfections and all), can be quite a liberating experience. It can also be excruciatingly vulnerable. When we are authentic, and truly open to who we are, it can feel vulnerable and as though we are “exposed.” There is no hiding ourselves away as a form of self-protection. 

Dr. Brené Brown discusses her theory about the power of vulnerability and authenticity, along with what she calls “Wholehearted Living,” in her famous TED talk. Her research led her to discover that shame was one of the strongest barriers to vulnerability and authenticity, and short-circuited fulfilled and connected living.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Dr. Carl Rogers

Radical Acceptance

How can we successfully open to authentic, whole-hearted living? Radical acceptance of the self may be an option. In her book, Dr. Brach discusses the power of radically accepting oneself. Self-worth is no longer contingent upon the ways that we often define ourselves (such as our relationships, roles, achievements, etc.). It is a radical letting go of judgment of ourselves, and a practice of recognizing our inherent worth – just as we are in this moment. For many of us, that truly is a radical idea. 

This does not mean that we give up on growing and developing – on the contrary, this level of self-acceptance supports us in being fully who we are and want to be. It is like allowing yourself to finally take a deep breath of relief, knowing that you can release any self-protective masks or defenses that have long weighed you down – and that even without these layers of protection – on a truly fundamental level, you will be okay. In fact, you may experience being freer and more alive than ever before, connecting with what is truly vital and meaningful to you.

Righting Your Relationship with You

When we can rest in a deep knowing of our own self-worth, trustworthiness, and resilience, we are free to explore life in an entirely different way. Ultimately, trying to force yourself to be other than who you truly are, and beating yourself up when you are not who you think you “should be,” can dramatically drain and wear you down. Vitality naturally comes from connectedness. Why not make a commitment to connect with yourself in a radically different way today? It is essential to remember that this is a process, and by no means occurs overnight. Each moment is an opportunity to practice awareness and acceptance of yourself, or to judge and reject yourself. Treat yourself as you imagine your closest friend or loved one would want to be treated, and you may be amazed at the results.

Follow Rise Psychology on Facebook or Twitter (@risepsychology). 

Resources:

http://self-compassion.org

http://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/index.htm

http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org

http://brenebrown.com

http://www.tarabrach.com

References

Brach, T. (2004). Radical acceptance. Bantam.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Penguin.

Brown, B. (2013). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.

Gilbert, P., & Irons, C. (2005). Focused therapies and compassionate mind training for shame and self-attacking. Compassion: Conceptualisations, research and use in psychotherapy, 263-325.

Linehan, M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and identity, 2(2), 85-101.

Rogers, C. R., Stevens, B., Gendlin, E. T., Shlien, J. M., & Van Dusen, W. (1967). Person to person: The problem of being human: A new trend in psychology. Lafayette, CA: Real People Press.

Blog edited and reposted from original post on Center for Stress and Anxiety Management Website

25 WAYS TO RADICALLY LOVE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW

Written by guest blogger Elyssa Tommer, the Wellness Doer.

Reposted with permission from http://thewellnessdoer.com/ways-radically-right/

Giving to others is a form of self love because what you give you receive, but what is it like to truly be wildly in love with ourselves? Not in the egotistical kind of way, but in a way that is unbound and free of others expectations (even our own); to live bearing our hearts and souls.

1. Let go. There is a lot that we just can not change. Accept that you are exactly where you need to be and everything that has happened is to help you grow. So take the lessons and let it go. Not only will you start feeling better about yourself, it will clear up stale energy that will allow for new things to come into your life.

2. Hug it out. Do you ever think of how long we go before we touch another human being? For some people that can be days, even longer. Human connection is something we can easily take for granted, but we need touch. It heightens our senses and releases endorphins. Skip the hand shake and go for the hug. You’ll know when it’s a appropriate… if not, it will make for some great fun.

3. Say ‘I Love You’s’. Start noticing when you say negative things about yourself, then switch it around to an I love you or I love my ____. For example… I’ve noticed a couple wrinkles. Immediately I’m thinking I’m getting old and I’ve got to find the next best cream to make them go away. How silly I say when I caught myself and starting saying, I love my wrinkles, I love my skin, I love my body. You get the idea.

4. Get yourself an Own Your Awesome positive affirmations deck. Pull a card out each day and have it be your mantra for the day. External encouragement is always helpful on the path to loving yourself freely.

5. Cook. There is something about getting familiar with your food. The texture, the smells, the sounds. By preparing your own foods you get up close and personal with what you’re putting in your body.

6. Take a grateful shower. Next time you’re in the shower, go through every inch of your body and say I am grateful for… my hair, my eyes, my lips, my skin, my heart, my bones, etc. Consciously being grateful for what you have is an ultimate gift of self love.

7. Meditate. To love ourselves we’ve got to be real with ourselves and sometimes getting real with ourselves and facing our darkest corners can be scary. Meditation helps you get real with yourself. It teaches us to breathe into each moment, noticing our thoughts and distinguish what serves us and what doesn’t.

8. Learn something new. Learning a new skill, especially if it’s something you’ve always wanted to do, will have you feeling inspired. Inspiration is sexy. Take a class on Skillshare, check out local workshops or lectures, grab some friends and find a cooking class.

9. Chill the heck out. In a world where it seems we don’t have time to relax, relaxing may be the number one thing we need. Catering to ourselves is not selfish. We must cater to ourselves first before we can help others. Loving ourselves first, allows us to love others. So take a chill pill, read a book, take a bath, or maybe pick something off this list and do that.

10. Drink lots of water. Taking care of yourself is self love. Don’t do it to be hot, do it because you know it’s good for you. The hotness will follow.

11. Say yes. Say yes to the things that light that fire deep inside your being. Say yes to the things that make you feel alive. Say yes to sleeping in on Sunday mornings and chocolate covered strawberries. If it has you ooze passion and happiness out of your pores, then say yes!

12. Say no. Say no to the things that don’t light your fire. Say no to gossip and trash talking. Say no to the news and negative Facebook feeds. Say no and understand that what you say no to, means you say yes to something else.

13. Exercise. Search Youtube or join YogaGlo, find a 30 minute Yoga class and practice it everyday. Not into Yoga, do something active, even if it’s just for 30 minutes. Exercise is good for our bodies, our minds and our spirits. When we feel good we look good and when we look good, we feel good. Find something that makes you sweat and get to it. Make a commitment to exercise for 30 minutes everyday for 30 days. See what happens.

14. Stop feeling guilty. This one kinda goes with #1. Stuff happens, some things out of our control. If you did something wrong say sorry, move on. Don’t feel guilty for speaking your truth. Don’t feel guilty for following your heart. Don’t feel guilty for being a rockstar. Did you eat an extra serving of ice cream? Great! Enjoy it, then love yourself and skip the second serving next time… nothing to feel guilty over.

15. Eat your vegetables. This one goes with #10. What you put in your body reflects outwardly. Really want to do your body good? Do a short cleanse, start a healthy eating plan or just eat more vegetables.

16. I Am statements. This one is huge and helped me overcome some deep ingrained fears. Every night write down as many I Am statements as you can think of. I am abundant. I am clear and confident in my teaching. I am loving exercise. I am forgiven. I am forgiving. I am loved. I am divine light. I am flourishing, etc. Really want to take yourself to the edge? Commit to doing the 90 Days of Shift.

17. Ask a friend out for coffee (or tea). Engaging with others in real time is nourishing to the soul. Laugh, cry and share stories about the grandness of life and what romances your heart.

18. Journal. Write out your thoughts, free of criticism. Writing things out can help us process a lot of pent up frustrations. Write poems, or things you want to remember. Write your I love you’s, I am statements and what your grateful for. Get your thoughts out of your head and onto something that can reflect back to you what matters most.

19. Take a social media break. Do it. Turn off the computer, turn off your phone. Unplug for a day or even the whole weekend. Time spent catching up on what everyone ate for lunch is time you could be giving to yourself. Besides, your eyes could probably use the break.

20. Take a walk in nature. Nature is very healing. It soothes our souls and refreshes our spirits. Don’t live by a beach or forest? Go to a park, hell… hug a tree or just get out in walk with the blue sky over your head.

21. Know that there is perfection in the imperfections. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect. What is perfection? Perfection is what we make it to be and it varies from person to person. I’m not saying to not strive for your very best, I’m saying be realistic about what you are striving for. Ask yourself if it’s something you want or are you striving for something you think other people/society want of you. Be perfect in your own light.

22. Love your body. Love every freak’n nook and cranny of it. From the top of your head all the way down to your toe nails. Love it with clothes on, with clothes off, with lumps, with dents, with creases. Love it bald, or hairy, smooth or ruff. You’ve only got one body, so love it dearly. Your body is sacred space, treat it that way.

23. Take road trips (even if it’s just for the weekend). Sometimes we just got to get away. Jump in the car, either solo or with a friend, and drive somewhere new. Going to new places gives us a chance to reflect on life. What we are doing with it and what we want to do with it. Pay attention… if your not doing what your heart desires then it’s time to make a change. Traveling helps me contemplate things like that, maybe it will for you too. If not, then at least have a good time.

24. Dance. Put on your favorite song, blast the stereo and dance your heart out. Or go out dancing. Find a band or DJ that is playing locally and buy tickets. It’s a great way to release stress.

25. Live a life you are proud of. It easy to compare our lives to others expectations but none of that matters. It’s not about how much money you made or how many people you knew, it’s about how much you loved. At the end of your days, be remembered for loving yourself and others whole heartedly. Be an inspiration for others, no matter how small or large. When you are old, look back on your life and have no regrets.